Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Bianca Knows Best ... And Helps a Possessive Chick
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 10, 2009 at 2:42 PM
Dear Bianca,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month now, and I think I’m really falling for him. I feel so happy when we’re together, which is something I haven’t felt for awhile. I’m 18 years old and about to graduate from high school, but he’s 21.
Despite my feelings for him, I’ve noticed a slight change in his behavior lately. He acts like he’s not as into me as he once was. So I’m a little worried that he’s cheating on me or maybe that he’s just lost interest. He says he hasn’t lost interest, but I don’t believe him. He does talk about other girls, but he says they’re just friends.
I really need him, and I’m totally freaking out. How can I make him love me? My happiness depends on this relationship. If you tell me I should leave him, I won’t do it. I won’t leave him unless I really catch him cheating or if he breaks up with me. What should I do?
— Hopelessly In Love
Dear Hopeless,
Love is a tricky thing. It has to come from both sides in a relationship or it’s just not going to work. That’s a universal truth that you have no choice but to accept.
But don’t give up hope just yet. You’ve only been with this guy for a month. You may truly be in love or you may just be infatuated. It’s hard to say after only a month.
What you see as him “losing interest” might actually mean that he’s just getting comfortable in the relationship. The need to see each other every minute tends to wear off after a while. (If he sticks with you, you’ll eventually have to deal with worse. He’ll probably start farting around you; he might get fat. That’s when your love for him will really be tested.)
The fact that he talks about other girls doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. If he was cheating, do you think he’d talk about those other girls in front of you? Doubtful.
If he says he’s still into you, then he’s probably telling the truth. So long as he returns your phone calls and makes an effort to hang out with you regularly, your relationship is probably okay.
But regardless, it sounds like you have some serious dependency issues. Your happiness shouldn’t totally depend on your boyfriend. That’s extremely dangerous. If he does break up with you, it sounds like your world may turn upside down. And if you’re too absorbed and emotionally dependent on him, that sort of thing will push a guy away quickly.
No matter what happens with this relationship, I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist for some self-confidence 101.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com
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Maybe your greatest fear is created that which you fear most.
Dear "boyfriend" of above advice seeker:
Forthwith, run, don't walk, away from this psycho-in-training.
yours truly,
packrat
Whoa! We've got a live one.
Dear Hopelessly in Love,
When you hear things like "How can I make him love me?" and "My happiness depends on this relationship" coming out of your own mouth, it's time to GTFO ASAP. There is only one happy outcome for this situation, and that is for the relationship to come to and end. On the bright side, it ought to be pretty easy to accomplish. If you want him to leave and never come back again, just tell him those things and if he's got any sense he's pretty much guaranteed to hit the road immediately.
At only 18 years old, and based upon the comments, I think it would suffice to say that this girl hasn't quite grown-up and developed herself in to a full person. It's the plight of many teens-in-between-adulthood, when you haven't quite realized who YOU are (as simple as what kind of music really gets you going as opposed to what your friends all listen to - to the point of trying to figure out your talents and goals that will design the actions of your adult life). If you don't know your self, it is pretty darn hard to fully love yourself...and it is corny but true: no one can love you until you do.
This is a rare and wonderful time to do some self-exploring. Take up new hobbies, focus on the direction of your life, make you the best you that makes you the happiest. If he comes along for the journey, great - but if not, you can't let that slow down YOUR process.
A boy is a bracelet, not a shirt - as my mother would say - he is an accessory, not a necessity.
Dear Hopeless,
Take something he really likes and destroy it. If he has a pet rabbit, start there, that will get his attention. And remember, whatever you do, it is all his fault. He made you do it.
Bianca, I'm sorry. That fart had a mind of its own!
Hey...I'm a psychiatrist on Sundays...I just couldn't stand the lack of sympathy for your situation...So I hope you are reading this sweety...I'm going to tell you something I WISH someone had told me at your age. Most people don't even know a human is supposed to do this...there is no instruction manuals around. First, you have to learn to control your thoughts and your emotions...and at your age...your hormones. They are not supposed to control you. You do this by athletics, or learning how to meditate, maybe do yoga. Meditation can be summed up in this phrase...so remember it...( I am...before the choices I choose)
If you let your own Mind push you around like a jailhouse sissy you are guaranteed to have a miserable life. You will CREATE everything you don't want to happen...and it will be your own doing.
Second, don't chase the boys. They have to come to you. A boy becomes a man by making "choices"...If you make it easy for him and make his choices for him...deep in his mind he will start thinking you are a Mother...and that always pisses them off...or they will go with it and you will be stuck in a relationship with a child.........
Your Will is your Spirit...don't let your emotions and thoughts push it around. Yes there is a time to let go of control...but first you have to know how to have control
Big hug........Now get out there and turn this shit around.
K-man
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