Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Bianca Knows Best ... And Helps a Conflicted Lover
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Mar 2, 2010 at 2:07 PM
Dear Bianca,
I have been friends with “Kelly” for five years. Although there has always been great chemistry between us, the timing has never quite worked. Anytime one of us was getting out of a serious relationship, the other would always be in a relationship, so we never dated.
Last year, she had an unplanned pregnancy. Now she’s with the guy, because she feels her daughter needs a father, but he is horrible to her. He constantly belittles her, has a bad temper, and does drugs and drinks around the child. She is miserable, but feels she is supposed to stay.
Several months back, we were hanging out and ended up sleeping together. It was an incredible night, and has been repeated several times. She says she loves me and has cared about me for years. She wants to be with me but says she can’t right now because she has to stay with her boyfriend for her daughter’s sake.
I don’t know what to do. I love her. Honestly, I’ve had feelings for her for years. I love her child too and spend lots of time with her. It’s hard to be only sort-of with Kelly, but I don’t want to give her up. Should I end this to save us both more heartache down the road? Should I stop sleeping with her but wait around to see if she leaves him? Should I continue things as they are?
— Looking for the Right Thing
Dear Looking,
It’s a shame you can’t make “Kelly” leave her baby’s lousy daddy. It sounds like he's not exactly the sort of man who should be raising a child. However, if she decides to come around it has to be totally up to her. If I were a gamblin’ woman, I’d bet that someday she will grow tired of her boyfriend’s drinking and drugging and finally leave his sorry ass.
But it’s really not fair for you to have to sit around and wait for that day. Some women stay with horrible men for their entire lives. If Kelly is one of them, you’ll be old and wrinkled by the time you figure it out.
Have you talked to Kelly about your desire for a real relationship with her? Something beyond sex? If not, you need to let her know that if she’s willing to leave her man, you’d gladly scoop her up.
Help her to realize how great a relationship with you would be by going out of your way to do nice things for her, but let her know that you can’t wait around forever.
You should also assure her that you’d make a better dad than the baby’s biological father, since she might be concerned that you wouldn’t want to help raise her child.
Once you’ve expressed how you feel, the ball is totally in her court. Set a timeline in your own mind — a few months, perhaps. If Kelly hasn’t come around by the end of the deadline, it’s time for you to move on. And by move on, I mean, stop sleeping with her. Having sex is doing nothing but keeping both of you emotionally engaged in a situation that’s unhealthy.
I hope things work out in your favor. But if they don’t (warning: cliché coming up) there are certainly other fish in the sea.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Comments (10)
Showing 1-10 of 10
like
dislikeSituations like this are what whiskey and sad country songs were made for. Good luck to you man, but this has to be a tough. Bianca seems pretty spot on here.
A very old story, in which the nice guy always finishes last.
Steal Kelly away, oh knight in shining armor, and her boyfriend will make your life a living hell for a few months, before she goes back to him.
Some people just love the soap opera life. You can't take them out of it without turning your life into a soap opera, too. Bianca's advice is good. Give Kelly an open door to escape her life with the jackass. If she doesn't take it, she's just been playing you.
Jeff, you are correct. This sounds dysfunctional all the way around. Unfortunately, it seems there will be a high probability the poor kid will turn out screwed up.
This guy has a sign tatooed on his forehead that says: "KICK ME." and that's exactly what's going to happen, if this chick is so intent on hanging with a loser sperm donor.
The writer's sign-off struck me as apropos; after reading the letter my comment was going to be, "There is no right answer here."
Seen this a million times. By virtue of the fact that she has an illegimate child. By a loser who doesn't even want to marry her...it appears. He's still her boyfriend. That tells me that someone in her life, before she even slept with loser boyfriend to produce a child, has convinced her that she is worthless. Boyfriend/Baby Daddy just reinforces this for her.
If Knight in Shining Armour really cares for her and not the "idea" of being saviour, he needs to let her know in PLAIN English what his intentions are and build her self esteem. In her state she will never recognize the actions of a good guy. Drama is the only form of attention she will recongnize.
So, we have several dynamics here, as old as all get out. Girl with low self esteem. Dude wanting to rescue (oddly enough to build his own self esteem). The people we chose are a reflection of ourselves. Looking for the Right Thing might want to take a good hard look at himself before "saving" someone else. He might just find that he doesn't really want to "save" anyone. He might find he wants the appreciation and adoration. It will never come in these types of situations. Rescue a dog, my friend, they will love you unconditionally.
Condoms are a wonderful thing. When used properly, they can prevent all sorts of post-coital sexual fling entanglements.
Ziip,
Couldn't have been the Pope. One thought of him renders women asexual. He's actually a form of contraception within the Catholic community and a tool to aid "gay to straight" intervention programs in the Baptist community.
Very effective.
These types of situations are actually a by product of Global Warming. As the atmosphere warms, the need for clothes become less and less. The abundance of exposed skin cause men and women to have impure thoughts about one another. Normally these thoughts can be controlled. However, the temperature of the human brain is rising at a near parallel rate to the earth's atmosphere. Science has shown that the human brain has gained .0025 degrees C over the last 1.2 billion years. That may not sound like a lot, but again, science has shown that higher temperatures in the brain can cause synapse malfunction to manifest in human sexual deviant behaviour. i.e., sleeping with complete losers, and in some extreme cases, sadly, procreating with them.
On the upside, this behaviour is lowering the human I.Q. exponentially and we should find ourselves unable to perform the most menial of tasks in the next few billion years. Rendering humankind extict.
Problem solved.
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