Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Bianca Knows Best and Helps a Clingy Friend
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Mar 9, 2010 at 2:38 PM
Dear Bianca,
I’m an independent person who values a few precious moments of alone time every day. Yet somehow I’ve attracted the attention of a very, very needy friend.
I met “Jennifer” through a mutual friend, who moved out of state a couple of months ago. Ever since our friend left, Jennifer has latched onto me with a BFF death-grip. She calls me every single day, just to chat about how her day went, and wants to stay on the phone forever. She tries to make plans to go out for drinks every weekend, sometimes twice in one weekend. She comments on every post I make on Facebook, and she even sends me instant messages all day while I’m at work.
Jennifer is a nice person, and I enjoyed her company, at first. But I’m beginning to feel smothered. Unfortunately, I’m way too nice to her face. I have a hard time telling anyone “no,’ and I’m probably sending her the wrong signals. Not to mention that Jennifer is newly single after a harsh break-up, and I think her clinginess may be her way of coping. How can push Jennifer away without hurting her?
— Smothered Friend
Dear Smothered,
We’ve all had a friend or two with no concept of boundaries. A clingy friend, especially one that you don’t want to hurt, can be a tough person to shake. But for your own happiness, you’ve got to pry this woman away.
Though I’d feel sorry for any guy she may date, getting Jennifer a new beau may be the answer. If she hasn’t started dating again, you should try and push her in that direction. Boost her confidence with compliments, and take out her out on the prowl. Or help Jennifer get started with an online dating service. If you manage to help her nab a man, perhaps she’ll divert all that overwhelming attention his way instead of yours.
Then again, if you don’t find Jennifer a guy, this plan could backfire, leaving her even more attached to you. She may view your desire to help her as some kind of best friend move. You may need a plan B.
That’s where the old “I have to stay home and wash my hair” excuse comes in (remember when Kelly always used that line on Saved By the Bell?). The next time Jennifer invites you out for drinks, tell her you’re planning a quiet night at home alone. Explain that just as she needs lots of friend time, you must have some private time to maintain sanity. Learning to say “no” will be an important lesson for you anyway.
When she instant messages you, just ignore it. If she asks later why you haven’t been responding, explain that you were taking a work call or in a meeting. Finally, when you do go out on the town with Jennifer, bring a group of other women along. Maybe she’ll find another lady in your posse to cling to, and then she can become someone else’s problem.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
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These are all very elaborate ways to avoid doing what needs to be done - namely, to tell Jennifer you think she's a nice person but she can't come over to your house and play anymore. A person like this almost never gets the hint, because they are incapable of understanding hints.
She will find a new friend much more quickly if you break up with her cleanly, without a bunch of outrageous chick-flick machinations that are bound to go disastrously wrong. And if she doesn't find a new friend, if she keeps coming around, that's when you get the restraining order. And a big dog.
This woman doesn't need a man or other friends (that she would undoubtedly drive just as crazy). She needs a reality check. Don't bother with some hair-brained schemes, just tell her the truth: you need alone time and she is too clingy. Either it'll sink in and you'll stay friends (minus the clingy neuroticism) or she'll ignore reality and you'll be free of a human parasite.
You guys are kind of harsh. :-) A little bit of ignoring her for a while might do the trick. If she messages you at work, ignore her. If she gets ignored for a few weeks, a normal person would stop messaging. Same with the weekly drinks. If she still persists with all that despite you not showing any interest then you'll have to break up with her. As it is, there's a decent chance this is partly your fault for being too nice and letting her think you'd enjoy spending every waking moment with her.
Not harsh at all. This person isn't a normal person and won't take a hint. Smothered must control the moment of that final confrontation, not have it thrust upon her by her stalker. Better to catch her when she thinks things are still great than wait until she's sitting in a car outside the house. Ignoring her will only intensify the level of the final confrontation, when she will feel insulted and mistreated and betrayed.
Yeah, I'm with David on this. Not that y'all are harsh, but that this is one of those situations that eventually goes away if you just pretend like it isn't there.
As a person who spent many years out in public life...as a musician and a teacher...I can tell you...you really have to learn to say "No"...be polite, but completely blunt and honest. People don't learn boundaries unless YOU set them. I'd always suggest something and be helpful...but if they didn't do it...accck don't talk to me till you do. You are going through this with just one person. Think about 100 people...with all their problems wanting advice, and 99 of them don't want to do anything, they just want to 'yammer.' But that one person who is willing to do something isn't given anything if you don't learn to be direct and truthful in dealing with everybody. You might never have to deal with lots of people...but I have always found in the 'long run' truth is the only real healer for all concerned...
Kirantana is right. You have to set those boundaries because these people often do not go away. Ignoring them can make them angry and more determined than ever. As Barney would say, you have to nip it in the bud.
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