Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Bianca Knows Best ... and Helps a Pair of Star-Crossed Lovers
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Sep 7, 2010 at 2:11 PM
Dear Bianca,
I’ve been hiding my relationship with my boyfriend for about five months now. We were together for about nine months, several years ago, until he was arrested for a white-collar crime. We split up while he served his time and stayed apart for quite awhile after his release from prison.
Now he’s a felon, and though my family previously liked him, they’ve completely turned their back on him after the arrest. My brother warned that he’d beat him up if he ever heard about my boyfriend talking to me again. My parents are also totally nonsupportive. They don’t want his record tainting our family name.
When we started dating again a few months ago, I hid the news from my family. But I really see long-term potential in this guy, and I can't hide our relationship forever. He didn’t murder anyone or sell drugs. He was just caught in a financial snafu. I’m not sure why my family continues to judge.
Should I come out and tell my family that I’m dating this guy again? Or should I continue to keep my relationship under wraps?
— Modern-day Juliet
Dear Modern-day Juliet,
The disenfranchisement of felons is a huge problem in our society. They can’t vote, can’t find work, can’t get public housing, and they’re often treated like criminals for the rest of their lives.
Most all of us have done a few things that could have gotten us jail time, but because luck was on our side, we’ve gotten away unscathed. Your family really needs to understand this. They’re part of the problem.
This means that you have a responsibility to come clean with them about your relationship. Keeping this in the closet is doing nothing to change their opinion of people with a criminal past.
Pick the family member who will be least likely to freak out and tell them first. Then you’ve got an ally when you tell everyone else. Make sure you emphasize that your boyfriend has served his time and learned his lesson. If they’re still worried about the “family name,” remind them that even Martha Stewart went to prison and she is as successful as ever.
Of course, they’ll probably be unhappy with you while they adjust, and you’ll certainly want to keep that violent brother of yours away from your boyfriend. But hopefully, they’ll all come around in due time. You can’t help whom you love, and you shouldn’t let your family determine whom you date.
Got a problem? E-mail Bianca at bphillips@memphisflyer.com.
Comments (12)
Showing 1-12 of 12
Your brother Wally will beat him up, but just wait until Dad finds out - he'll slug him.
Are these people real?
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"He didn’t murder anyone or sell drugs. He was just caught in a financial snafu."
Didn't Bernie Madoff have a financial snafu, except on a larger scale.
"snafu?" yeah, it's all f^#@$d up all right, what's his excuse for his "snafu?". Was it a deliberate act to defraud? Sure sounds like it from reading between the lines. Girl, you better realize that if you marry this guy, that felony rap will follow him everywhere. Good luck him getting good jobs, making decent money, getting home loans, getting life insurance, adopting kids, etc. In my business, you absolutely cannot even be hired if you have a felony involving money/fraud. My question is, are you so freaking hard up that you can't do better than that? Why be this guy's guinea pig?
I wish I had a family name to protect. The 103s have a long history of financial missdealings, drunkedness, and all round slackness.
Ok he didn't murder anyone or sell drugs, but white collar crimes can be just as, if not more vicious than acts of violence. These are violations of trust. Someone trusted this guy with their money and he lied, cheated, and/or outright stole from them. The only SNAFU was the fact that he got caught.
Whose idea was it to lie in the first place? That, in itself, would say a lot about where the relationship is headed.
Martha Stewart? She was also extremely successful BEFORE she went to prison. I doubt the same can be said of our correspondent's beau.
As for "long-term potential," I'd imagine the judge thought the same thing about this guy during sentencing. Is this guy's potential really worth the very real problems that are going to arise when the family finds out that they've been lied to this whole time? If so, may you both live happily ever after, but it's a rare man who actually is worth all the trouble you're in for.
OK, problem #1 he got caught doing something illegal with money. Yes, the good book says to forgive & that is morally the right thing to do. But, nowhere does it say to forget. You can forgive him of his past, but will there ever be 100% full finanacial trust. Which leads to problem #2. Family loves you no matter what, but if they see something that could have a negative effect on you or your future, take the advice. Remember when you were a teenager & your family would tell you no & why, but you still went & it it anyway? Look back now & most of the things they told were 100% right on the money. Same situation. Problem #3, you see "potential". OMG!!! Isn't that the problem with most of the relationships today. Whenever you see "potential" in a relationship, save yourself some time & just end the relationship.
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