Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Bianca Knows Best ... Thanksgiving Edition
Posted by Bianca Phillips on Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 1:38 PM
Dear Bianca,
Every year, my husband and I go our separate ways to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families. He goes his parents’ gathering in Missouri, and I go to mine in middle Tennessee. Yet every year, his mom gets upset that I don’t ditch my family for hers.
Here’s the thing — I’m an only child with a very small family. If I don’t show up for my family’s Thanksgiving, it’ll just be my mom, dad, grandma, and grandpa. My husband has a huge family, and if anything, I feel like he should be coming with me.
When I try to explain this to his mother, she always says she understands, but my husband has told me that she continues to complain to him at the dinner table. This annual issue has made me start to resent my mother-in-law this time of year. How can I make her understand how important it is for me to show up at my family’s celebration?
— The Only Child
Dear Only Child,
I’m also an only child, and I totally understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend has a larger family, and we sometimes go our separate ways for the holidays too. I will always, always, always go to my parents' house for the holidays. I’m not budging on that. My mom makes yummy vegan food for holiday meals, and I’m pretty sure his mom wouldn’t know how to cook a Tofurky if she tried. No offense to her, but she’s just not used to cooking for my special dietary needs.
His family tends to understand when I explain that I need to go to my mom and dad’s for Thanksgiving. But even if they didn’t, that wouldn’t stop me.
There’s not much you can do beyond explaining to your mother-in-law the importance of an only child attending a small family holiday meal. Since she has such a large family, she might not understand what it’s like. Have you considered inviting your small family to her large party? If it’s not too much of a drive, maybe that could be an option.
But if you’d rather stick with your mom’s sweet potato pie, politely apologize to your mother-in-law, and don’t let her nagging your husband bother you. That’s his problem to deal with. Maybe he should tell his mother that if she doesn’t stop whining about you not attending her dinner, then next year, he’ll go with you.
You may just have to accept that this is how things are and there’s nothing you can do to change it. But try not to harbor resentment for your mother-in-law. That won’t get you anywhere.
Comments (8)
Showing 1-8 of 8
If his mom has to understand your mom's needs, why can't your mom understand his mom's needs? Just because he comes from a big family doesn't make each individual in his family any less important than in your small family. It's not about quantity. So why can't both of you go to one parents' house for one holiday, then to the other parents' house for the next holiday? Switch off. Thanksgiving in Tennessee/Christmas in Missouri this year. Thanksgiving in Missouri/Christmas in Tennessee next year. That way you get to be part of his big family and he gets to be part of your small family, and you and everybody in both families will be better for it.
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Bianca, what a selfish, selfish attitude! Jeff's solution is much more sensible than yours. Plus, what happens when the kids start coming. Which set of grandparents have priority? You really need to give your answers a whole lot more thought.
Since my last post I have given this matter more thought and have decided that Bianca's advice is self-centered, egotistical and moronic. If all she has to bring to the table is her own personal situation and experience she has no business offering advice to anyone. I would like to know from the Flyer why they have given her this forum to dispense worthless and potentially dangerous advice. If her boyfriend has any sense he will drop her like a lit bomb so she can take her "special dietary needs" and "Tofurky" to share with another selfish only child.
Curmudgeon, I don't see it as particularly selfish. One of the things I've always hated about going to other people's houses is having to eat their food. Especially when I was a kid. And it was very strange going to my girlfriend's house for the holidays those first few times, because the food was so very different than what I was used to, and she felt the same way about my mom's food. But we've been together a while now - 24 years, 18 married - and we've learned how to do things so that we can both enjoy our visits. Years ago, I started going over to the in-laws and helping in the kitchen, and that way I could influence some of what was made. I also brought over food that I liked, so they could try something different. It's expanded all our horizons and now Thanksgiving and Christmas are a joyful event, with all the family sharing, experimenting, and embarking on a culinary adventure together. Every year we try to make something new. Those who want to try it can, those who don't can still get to eat their favorites.
Bianca, you ought to make a tofurkey and a casserole of vegan stuffing and taken it to the boyfriend's mom's house for a holiday. Surprise his family with something delicious and healthy. Best of all, you get to eat your own food and not go hungry.
Jeff, of course it's selfish. She only wants to go where she can be with her family and get mama's cookin'. The essence of a successful long-term relationship is wanting to share what makes your partner happy. Bianca is only interested in what makes her happy. She could go to his family gathering and eat peanut butter sandwiches for 4 days if they are together and sharing the experience. She's a spoiled brat and her boyfriend had best beware. Other manifestations of this syndrome are on the horizon.
P.S. I still believe she has no business offering advice to anyone.
With a tofurkey (?) I can bet your Thanksgivings are very small. I'll catch you next year.
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