Whoa. Two gas stations? Clearly it's time for all right-thinking citizens of Memphis, Michigan to learn from their West Tennessee namesake and get out before the inevitable fights over fuel consolidation.
“Let’s face it, keeping Graceland in Whitehaven for as long as we did was a boondoggle,” explained Presley spokesperson Roberta Flack as she oversaw the landing of the malt shop, supported by four Chinook helicopters. “It seemed like we couldn’t go a single day without a dozen innocent tourists being executed for valuables before they even got out of the airport.”
Police estimate that between 90% and 115% of the region's roughly 1-million annual Elvis tourists are injured, killed, or both at some point during their stay in Memphis, a city that has been highly ranked on dozens of popular magazine lists related to danger and criminality.
“Locals know that “Death Week” don’t just refer to Elvis,” says lifelong Memphian and Elvis fan Byron “One Leg” McIntyre, wiping the tears away with his wooden arms.
“I lost my whole family at a roadside candle concession back in ‘93,” he said, “And all I got to show for it is this lousy blood-stained t-shirt. And a ‘Love Me Tender’ snow globe. And George Klein's autograph.”
Lisa Marie was unavailable for comment as she worked round the clock in her namesake jet, delivering aid packages of peanut butter-and-banana sandwiches and light artillery to various strategic locations between Mississippi and the blighted land.
Early reports indicate that criminals, sometimes referred to simply as “locals,” have already begun constructing a to-scale replica of the Graceland mansion, with the hopes of luring oblivious tourists in for an easy score.
“That’s just scaremongering,” says Flack who insists that a new branch of the Family Dollar discount chain is slated to open on the site in October.
The display window at Flashback on Central Ave. has been a cornucopia of mid-20th-Century design since Jon Hamm was still wearing parachute pants. A special "Death Week" exhibit includes a carved WITCO tiki chair with leopard print upholstery.
It's a dead ringer for this similar WITCO piece from Elvis' personal collection.
Well, this was an unexpected opening quotation for page one of the CA's business section...
And yes, tragically, it's a "small business" story.
Sometimes it's best to quote a source indirectly. "Hunt and peck," seems to be the preferred way to describe site-and-stab typing skills. And if poultry's your thing, "chicken peck typing" might also used.
“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing,” said first grader Brantley Lourdes, as he painted the walls with an unknown classmate’s blood. “Last year the school contracted with Sodexo for my daily lunches, but now we’re using Aramark? How am I supposed to learn when my whole world is crumbling beneath me?”
As Lourdes spoke, a fissure opened in the carpet and swallowed the snack table and cubby holes.
Parents, fearing for their lives, forsook their offspring at the gates of Chimneyrock Elementary and dozens like it, now tainted by the abominable amalgamation of city and county schools.
According to Y.G. Brown, a custodial worker, Shelby County Unified School Board member Tomeka Hart led her fellow board members in a demonic cackle as they watched the horrors unfold from a pentagram-shaped portal in their secret meeting room.
“Now begins the Reign of Unity,” Hart exclaimed over the muffled cries of David Pickler and Kenneth Whalum Jr., both restrained and forced to watch the carnage.
With tears in her eyes, Germantown Mayor Sharon Goldsworthy called an emergency meeting and threatened to execute Protocol Violet, detonating all roads and bridges leading in and out of the municipality, in a last ditch effort to halt the blight at the city limits.
The chaos of the first week of the new school year concluded at 3:15 Friday, August 9. Wary parents collected the husks of their former progeny and asked them how their day was. When reached for comment, the afflicted children responded, “Fine.”
This nifty piece of religiously-themed art, photographed on Broadway in West Memphis, asks viewers if they need life insurance. Because you never know when you might be attacked by a dragon.
Memphis artist/wrestling hero Jerry Lawler has signed on to create new cover art especially for fans who donate to a kickstarter campaign to launch the second story arc of the wrestling comic Headlocked.
This is the second cover Lawler has created for Headlocked, a comic book series telling the story of Hartman, a college theater major who wants to become a professional wrestler.
The new story arc is called "The Last Territory":
"Hartmann's journey brings him to Texas and Kings of Texas Championship Wrestling. Built around the ultimate regional superstar, Magnificent Mark Steele, it's the last surviving wrestling territory in the country. Because they still draw strong crowds, the WFW uses it as a developmental promotion to prepare their talent before bringing them up to the "big leagues." It's a heavy dose of the old-school "smoky arena" days mashed up with modern corporate wrestling politics. In this type of environment, we'll meet wrestlers at every level of their career: rising stars, veterans getting repackaged, superstars on injury rehab, territory lifers, and the hopeless dreamers. With all these guys literally one call away from making it to "the show," you can bet there's going to be some drama!"
“I always thought that Janis had an exceptionally loud AC unit in her house,” said one friend who wished to remain anonymous, “but it turns out that I was just hearing thousands of bees humming, struggling to maintain the shape and appearance of a human woman. It also explains why her fingernails strongly resembled bee stingers, and caused local swelling whenever she touched me.”
The Bee Cloud formerly known as Janis Fullilove explained that the hive had become interested in civic engagement after attending a series of town hall meetings on a planned development in their area. Recognizing the difficulty honey-producing insects have previously faced in the political arena, the hive assumed the form of a dynamic radio host, and handily won a seat on the Memphis City Council.
Apis mellifera, better known as the Western honey bee, is widely known for its use of “waggle dancing” as a means of communication and experts now suggest that Fullilove’s infamous riverboat pole dancing incident was merely her attempt to inform fellow Council members of a nearby wildflower patch.
Janiswarm— as the bees are now self-identifying — felt it was time to offer an explanation for years of bizarre conduct, including but not limited to multiple alcohol-related arrests and and a domestic violence charge that resulted in a not guilty verdict. “We underestimated how difficult it is to impersonate a human being,” the bees explained, clouds of pollen wafting from their body as they spoke. “And I promise we're not going to throw any more dishes because we had to go buy a whole new set.”
Katrina House, an Entomologist specializing in honey bees thinks historians will have to reevaluate everything they think they know about the Janiswarm. "You absolutely cannot consider her record without taking into account the impact of global climate change and toxic fungicides," House says.
"I will always love her. She has such a strong record of standing up for people who are different," says Manona Street, a longtime Fullilove supporter, who says she intends to stand by Janiswarm, and its decision to "come out."
"This is my colony, and I'm not going to let it collapse," Street said.
At the conclusion of the press conference, Councilwoman Fullilove dissolved
At a later press conference, Councilman Shea Flinn announced that he was the world’s tallest toddler.
On a previous visit to Graceland the couple had been unable to obtain a guide to both off-the-path Elvis sites, and other non-Elvis-related landmarks so they decided to create one.
I'll have a lot more about the history of this new map in next week's issue of the Memphis Flyer, but wanted to share a sneak peak of the artifact that's making its debut in Memphis August 12, at an A. Schwab's Elvis Week event.
The "Upstairs at Schwab's" event also includes a presentation by Elvis historian Sue Mack who's leading the effort to restore Elvis' Circle G Ranch in Horn Lake, MS.
Frequent Flyer contributor J.D. Reager isn't just a great music journalist and guitar hero. He's also the guy who documented the existence of a unique eggplant from the Poplar Plaza Kroger. Some have compared it to Squidward from SpongeBob SquarePants. But I've been calling it "The David."