Friday, February 28, 2014

Is Hobby Lobby Gay For Same-Sex Marriage?

Posted By on Fri, Feb 28, 2014 at 8:49 AM

I have to admit, given the Green family's history of being jerks for Jesus, I found this wedding display in the Germantown Hobby Lobby heartening.

It goes together like a horse & carriage...
  • It goes together like a horse & carriage...

Yeah, yeah, I know. Some prankster probably moved the masculine, burlap-wrapped letter "S" following the second "MR." But here at FOTW we try to celebrate signs and wonders whenever we can.

On the other hand, maybe they just like "Broken Wings."

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Rep. Curry Todd Proposes Three-Hour Happy Hour

Posted By on Wed, Feb 19, 2014 at 3:14 PM

Curry Todd
  • Curry Todd
Rep. Curry Todd has introduced a bill that, if passed, would tweak current rules governing both daylight savings time and physics, to create a three-hour happy hour in Tennessee. According to Todd the new bill was designed to give Tennesseans more options, better choices, and also more things to decide between.

“Now you can drink on the cheap for one hour, or for four hours,” Todd says laughing uncontrollably. “That sounds funny: ‘For four!’ I meant to say 'three' but four would be even cooler.”

Some experts believe changes in the way Tennesseans binge drink and hook up for regrettable sex and target practice were probably inevitable considering the state's unique, time-zone spanning geography.

“It’s a tough nut to crack,” says UT Law Professor Oscar Short. “Let’s say Jane Doe gets off her job as a prison guard at the Morgan County Correctional Complex, at 5 p.m. She lives and works in a dry community so if she wants to knock back some two-for-one screwdrivers she's got to drive to Crossville, which is only a few minutes away but — Thank you, Mr. President — it’s still only 4 p.m. So she’s basically fucked.

“Obviously Jane could kill some time by going home and changing out of her prison guard uniform and into something slinkier,” Short adds. “But she’s one of those statuesque women who you hope will handcuff you so, Jesus Christ, why should she?”

Suddenly verklempt, Todd admitted that he wasn’t the least bit surprised when State Senator Ophelia Ford, a legislator from the opposite side of the political spectrum, addressed the necessity of just such a measure while talking to herself at a bus stop in Murfreesboro.

“I love her so much right now,” Todd said, weeping uncontrollably into a basket of fried cheese.

“Here’s to happier times in Tennessee,” Todd finally announced to a group of regulars who’d gathered at a Nashville Applebee’s where people keep to themselves and nobody ever asks too many questions. “Tonight, everybody gets laid!”

Friday, February 14, 2014

"Hey Girl": Some Valentine's Day Pick-Up Lines That Are Guaranteed to Elicit a Response*

Posted By on Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 12:38 PM

It's the time of year when we celebrate love. Or something. So, uh... here you go...

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Hey girl, they should call you Charlie Rose, 'cause I like falling asleep while you talk.

Hey girl, they should call you Captain Crunch, 'cause I want to wake up to you.

Hey girl, they should call you Fred Sanford, 'cause I'd like you to handle my junk.

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fred.gif

Hey girl, they should call you a cab, so you can come to my house and get busy.

Hey girl, what's your sign? I hope it's DIVIDED HIGHWAY because I have a road sign fetish.

Hey girl, you're prettier than that girl in those ads for the Kindle feature where you get help from a live person right on the damn Kindle.

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Hey girl, they should call you Jabba, 'cause I'd love to have you all up in my hut.

Hey girl, I hope you like ham sandwiches because that's what I made for dinner.

Hey girl, I hope you like reality TV because I'm the Biggest Loser.

Hey girl, I wouldn't mind being a Corvette if you were a sinkhole.

Hey girl, if loving you ain't logical, then just call me Evil Spock. You know, from that episode where everybody was opposite and all.

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Hey girl, if they had a bootylicious olympics, you'd have a high medal count.

Hey girl, i was nice to you for a few minutes back in middle school, you owe me.

Hey girl, do you like chicken? I'm a vegan you disgust me.

Hey girl, let's play Dominos and get this done in 30 minutes or less.


Hey girl, do you like portmanteaus? Because I wanna smang it baby.

Hey girl, you must be gluten free...seriously you MUST be, because I am Highly intolerant.


Hey girl, are you on Game of Thrones, because I have no idea who you are or what your name is.

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Hey girl, if love were candy corn, then I'd have a bag and a half when I'm around you.


Hey girl, are you Brian Kelsey, because you have turned the gay away. (Yeah, we know, we know...)


Hey girl, they should call your bed Disney World, because it's the happiest place on Earth. Also due to the lines.

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Okay, that's the best we can do. You're on your own from here. And remember, a *cold uninterested stare is still a response.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

A Post About Steve Cohen, the Commercial Appeal, and Weed

Posted By on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 8:07 PM

Submitted without comment...

Fire it up!
  • Fire it up!

Tennessee’s Controversial Orphan Fighting Bill Almost Certain to Pass

Posted By on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 6:25 PM

An orphan.
  • An orphan.
There’s great news on the horizon for fans of extreme sports in the Volunteer State. A controversial bill that, if passed, will legalize orphan fighting in Tennessee and incentivize the creation of a professional league, was unanimously approved by a Senate committee and will likely be ratified by a legislative body that has warmed to the idea of a professional fighting league made up entirely of orphans.

“A lot of people misunderstood what we were trying to do here,” says longtime orphan fighting advocate Roland Rockmore, a retired martial arts instructor from Only, TN. “People who aren’t familiar with orphan fighting see a couple of young kids with blades fastened to their wrists and ankles just going at it, and they think, ‘How savage!.’ What a lot of people are now coming to realize is that the blades make this whole thing a lot more humane than it might be otherwise. And the more people come to understand that, the more support we see for what we’re trying to get going here in the greatest state that ever was.”

Obviously, Orphan fighting bouts aren’t over until one parentless child dies and this has become a rallying point for activists and out-of-state agitators, including Joanie Cunningham-Fonzarelli of Milwaukee, Wisconsin who became involved while visiting relatives in Memphis.

“I just can’t understand how an allegedly pro-life legislator like Eileen Wright could be for something like this,” Fonzarelli says, leveling vague accusations at the bill’s original sponsor.

“You can’t compare apples and abortions,” Write says, dismissing the usual critics with her ever-effective catchphrase. “Just like every other man, woman, and parented child in America each and every orphan who enters the ‘ring of sorrows’ has a fighting chance.

“These kids have a choice between entering the league or traditional foster care, so it’s not like any of this is compulsory,” Wright explains. “It’s a choice and an opportunity, and when I hear what people like Roland Rockmore think Orphan fighting can do for our state it’s like when Jesus said, 'Suffer not the little children to come unto me,' you know? Sometimes we seem to forget that these orphans are just children. Children that nobody wants.”

Write says she’s heard from a lot of Tennesseans who want to see this bill passed and is confident that a professional orphan fighting league could be active in Tennessee as early as June.

Memphis City Council: The Movie

Posted By on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 11:32 AM

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If you were going to make a movie about Memphis' City Council who would you cast? Signature Advertising has created this amusing time-waster, if you're in the mood to waste some time.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Authority Song: Gibson Guitar Sticks it to the Man

Posted By on Tue, Feb 11, 2014 at 5:21 PM

Gibson Guitar CEO Henry Juszkiewicz got his wood back and now he's showing the Obama Regime his middle finger by issuing the Government II series Les Paul crafted with exotic woods previously seized by the U.S. Government because, as the DOJ put it, the company failed to comply with rules "intended to limit over-harvesting valuable wood species from Madagascar, a country which has been severely impacted by deforestation.” 

A SCREENSHOT CELEBRATING AN INFAMOUS MOMENT IN GIBSON HISTORY
  • A screenshot celebrating an infamous moment in Gibson history



As you can see, it looks like a regular Les Paul, but with a "Government Tan" finish that just screams tyranny!

According to the description of the Government II at Gibson.com, "Great Gibson electric guitars have long been a means of fighting the establishment, so when the powers that be confiscated stocks of tonewoods from the Gibson factory in Nashville—only to return them once there was a resolution and the investigation ended—it was an event worth celebrating." 

And by celebrating we guess they mean "fighting the establishment." And by fighting the establishment they mean paying $300,000 in fines and making a $50,000 contribution to the National Fish and Wildlife Foundation. 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

TMI from the Travelocity Gnome

Posted By on Thu, Feb 6, 2014 at 5:40 PM

We've all been there.

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