“It was so unsettling”, says former acquaintance Madison Cooper. “We thought he was kidding at first when he ordered a Budweiser but he never gave us that ‘gotcha’ moment. Even the waitress was caught off guard. I mean, what kind of monster have we been hanging out with this whole time?”
The repulsive incident took place last week when Doug and some friends watched a game at a midtown pub that carries a wide selection of delicious, locally crafted beers. When it came time to order a crisp, refreshing 901 born and bred beer, Doug, in an inexplicable act of insanity, purposefully requested a mainstream, highly recognized, national name brand can of piss.
“I just panicked and went with what I used to do” confessed the imbecile-like fool now known universally as “Dumbass Doug”, and who was not allowed to make eye contact with anyone during this interview. “To be honest, it’s hard to keep track, one time I ordered a Cotton Bomb thinking that was a thing from around here and the bartender told me to leave and never come back.”
Since the sickening faux-pas, friends of Doug have decided it is best to discontinue their friendship with the slack-jawed failure until he “comes to his fucking senses.” Doug has also been contacted by his employer who says they will have a “serious talk” about his off-work lifestyle decisions.
Doug’s recent engagement may also be in jeopardy due to his chowderheaded actions. “Vickie moved out saying she needs to collect her thoughts,” confessed Mr. Loser Who Needs a Slap Upside His Fugly Face, “I’m a bit worried since I saw her signature on petition.org that demands I wear a Budweiser label on my forehead for life.”
The petition has over 13,000 signatures and is increasing daily to properly punish this no-good excuse for a living waste of space. Doug’s fiancé Vickie is now reportedly living with a real man who can appreciate having over four local brands that offer their tantalizing beverages in cans, bottles, and even growlers, something that Doug probably doesn’t even knows exists.
Doug has since given up alcohol altogether in hopes the debacle will blow over. However, expectations for redemption are considered very low by this reporter after witnessing that sack of useless flesh tell an out-of-town couple looking for a good dessert place to go to Baskin-Robbins when Muddy’s and Yolo are just right around the goddamn corner.
Edward Valibus is a distinguished archduke of Lithuania currently residing in Memphis, TN. He spends his days frittering away his wealth making independent cinema with his production team Corduroy Wednesday. He holds the current world record for eating the most pudding cups in one hour and is a special contributor to Fly on the Wall