Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Supreme Court Upholds Witch Burning, Throwing Stuff At Women

Posted By on Tue, Jul 1, 2014 at 3:35 PM

Following a series of recent decisions in which the nation's highest court has upheld the Constitutional right to holler rude stuff at women and upheld the right of employers to decide what kinds of health care women should get, Justices of the United States Supreme Court today issued a series of rare sua sponte rulings on women's rights.

The Rock People of the Supreme Court judge you harshly.
  • The Rock People of the Supreme Court judge you harshly.
In three 5-4 decisions split along gender lines, Justices Alito, Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and swing vote Kennedy, issued decisions upholding actual and potential laws that do or could impact women.

In People v. Witches, the Court stated that states could lawfully burn women at the stake if they have a reasonable basis to believe they are "practitioners of the dark arts." The opinion noted it was a very narrow decision that "does not apply to warlocks, necromancers, or prestidigitators. We limit today's ruling to witches and witches only."

In Dudes v. Mouthy Broads, the Court held that any law that prohibits men from throwing stuff at women who are too vocal in their opinions are not lawful under the little known "don't get uppity" clause of the U.S. Constitution. "The right to chuck an apple or what not at a woman who is too full of herself is deeply ingrained in our nation's heritage as well as our Constitution," the opinion stated. The opinion added, in what most see as legal dicta, that "girls have cooties."

In a final decision issued today, the Supreme Court in Kitchens v. Shoes upheld any law that would require "all females to be positioned in the cooking area of their domicile between the hours of 5 and 6 p.m. on any given day. Such laws could also require that such individuals have feet unencumbered by footwear."

"These laws, even if they do not yet exist, form an important part of our heritage and jurisprudential history. Besides, women, am I right?"

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg authored a dissent that simply stated. "I give up."

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to the Fly on the Wall Blog, and is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.

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