Thursday, September 24, 2015

24 Ways Germantowners are Preparing for the Arrival of Trader Joe's

Posted By on Thu, Sep 24, 2015 at 11:39 AM

Insert Heavenly harps and angel choir music here. Or "Arthur's Theme."
  • Insert Heavenly harps and angel choir music here. Or "Arthur's Theme."

Did you hear there's a Trader Joe's coming to Germantown? (pause for laughter). Yeah, us too. But did you hear all the ways Germantown residents are preparing for the blessed event? If not, we've got you covered.

• Germantown City Council ceases throwing virgins into volcano in tribute to Haikili, who has now granted their desires.

• Massive Yacht Rock party at Chad's house!

• Setting up rest stations/credit check agencies for weary midtown travelers.  

• Installing toll booths at all Western entrances.

• Speed limit on Poplar between West Street and Forest Hill will be lowered to 3-mph.

• Another massive Yacht Rock party at Chad's house!

• Purchasing $20 cheeses to pair with Two Buck Chuck. Meanwhile...

• Every man in Germantown named Charles braces for when people start to call him "Two Buck Chuck".

• Having t-shirts, bumper stickers, yard signs and internet memes made: "A bad day at Germantown Trader Joe's is better than a good day at Murder Kroger! "

• Calling all Midtown friends and starting the conversation with, "I heard you guys finally got a Fresh Market. That's cute."

• Hiring the Whiffenpoofs of Yale to stand near the construction site and sing the praises of Trader Joe's every weekday until the store opens. Also hiring Loggins & Messina to play at...


• Merchants to open eight new pizza restaurants within a block of Trader Joe's site.

• All Midtown ex-pats will add a line about Traders Joe's to their "see, Germantown's not that bad" speech.

• Citizens begin two years researching the varieties of artisan jerky that will be available to them.

• Spies sent to the Cooper Young festival to learn how to be snobbish to "outsiders".

• Capital campaign launched to build tear cistern in Midtown as an environmentally friendly way to water Trader Joe's lawn.

• New tennis skirts and yoga pants!

• Blocking texts and voicemails from midtown/downtown friends before they start asking if you might pick up a few things, "next time you're coming to town."

• Pop up emergency grief counseling clinic in Crosstown!

• Addition of commemorative plaques marking important stops along the great white migration.

• Germantown Charity Horse Show to be renamed Germantown and Trader Joe's Are Better Than You (Horse Show).

• Publix, Winn-Dixie, H-E-B, and Piggly Wiggly are buying prime retail space in Germantown to make it West Tennessee's official Grocery District.

• Party at Chad's to feature all the white wine. And an intimate set by Michael McDonald! 

This list was made with the help of Improv superheroes, The Wiseguys. 

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