Although your Pesky Fly has been a Memphis resident since Reagan was in the White House, I do occasionally like to check in on news from back home. Especially news like this story of a man falsely accused by the police of carrying a carton of Newport cigarettes, a broken glass pipe, and a tire gauge in his anal cavity. Turns out (surprise, surprise) the arrest warrant was a bit off base. According to a report from the Montgomery County Sheriff's office, those items were all found on Jason Dondi Littleton. He was just carrying them in his clothing, not in his butt.
To give the officers the benefit of the doubt, this is also the facial expression I make when I'm trying to be nonchalant with 20 packs of menthols in the trunk.
2016 was a weird year for everybody. Here at Fly on the Wall, it was just another year. So, without further ado, here’s your damn recap.
PHOTO OF THE YEAR
Let's have a great big standing-O for former Tennessee state rep Curry Todd who was caught on camera stealing his opponent’s yard signs.
And in his honor, some ZZ Top. Weird Crime
• Who peed in your cornflakes? Hard to say. But a criminal investigation was opened when video surfaced on the internet of a man urinating on a conveyor belt at Memphis’ Kellogg’s factory.
• Delta Airlines flight attendant Rachel Trevor of Memphis became the Robin Hood of airplane bottle liquor sales when she was arrested for stealing approximately 1,500 itty-bitty bottles of booze from Delta and selling them on Craigslist for a buck a piece. The liquor was given an in-flight value of $12,000.
"Court is back in session!"
• If you're going down, go down swinging. Derrick Thomas, arrested in Jonesboro, Arkansas, last month for indecent exposure and "enjoying himself," decided to expose himself again — to Justice. After leave the courtroom for a drink of water, Thomas returned — running by all accounts — with his shirt off, his pants around his ankles, and his arms in the air." Court is back in session," Thomas was quoted as saying.
• LaShundra Smith, charged with indecent exposure for being partially nude on a bench at Mary Malone Elizabeth Park, told officers she was "trying to air out."
• Kasey Collins was an ordinary peeping Tom. He only makes it into this category because WMC left one very important letter out of its identifying text making him a "peeing Tom." That's a much more interesting crime.
• WTTE-TV Columbus reported on a thwarted plan to transport drugs to Memphis. A shipping clerk got suspicious and discovered a bottle of liquid codeine inside an adorable teddy bear.
• There needs to be an addendum to the old saying "Don't cry over spilled milk." Don't stab people over spilled cheese dip, especially if it's not Pancho's. Seriously people, don't do that.
An unidentified 35-year-old Memphis woman was rushed into surgery at Methodist hospital after she wrecked the car she was driving to the emergency room. She'd been stabbed by another woman, Yolanda Tucker, who, according to a police report, became unreasonably upset after the victim spilled a container of Rotel.
• Here's a mugshot of Jerry Lawler.
The rang kang spent a night in the pokey following a domestic dispute. Charges were dropped when authorities couldn't determine who the aggressor was.
• Weird Story of the Year: According to WMC Action News 5, thieves have murdered four people while attempting to steal hair weaves, "and now many Memphians say demonic spirits could be to blame." That's right folks, WMC scooped the rest of Memphis media on an important story about vanity, greed, consumer hair products, and secret doorways to realms infernal, where ancient evil lurks, waiting to swoop down and snatch a wig right off your goddamn head. Notable quote: "Whose-ever hair I was wearing on my head, that heifer had a bad omen."
• Best Worst Use of Social Media: When people are critical of your work it's always a good idea to follow the lead of WMC-TV weatherman Spencer Denton and remind all the haters there are dead children in the world, and it's sad. When Denton joined other local weather forecasters in over-hyping a winter storm that never materialized but still resulted in mass event cancellations, school closings, and business shuttering, people got angry. In response to complaints Denton dropped a post on his "Spencer Denton Meteorologist" Facebook page implying that people need to chillax and think about unrelated tragedies, like the death of 2-year-old Noah Chamberlin, an East Tennessee boy whose body was found several days after he disappeared during a hike with his grandmother. "We are already getting blasted by people about our forecast, and the event hasn't even happened yet. And some of the comments are personal attacks," Denton wrote. "Funny thing is, I really don't care. All I can think about is that little boy Noah and what he endured over the past several days. It puts things in perspective. If you get 3 to 6 inches of snow, enjoy a snow day with family and friends. If you get an inch or less, be thankful for less accidents on the roads. Whether my forecast is right or wrong, I get to go home to a little two-year-old girl tonight, for that I am truly thankful. #RIPNOAH."
• Best Worst Cover Design: University of Memphis quarterback Paxton Lynch has announced he wouldn't be returning for his final year of eligibility with the Memphis Tigers. Sports analysts have tapped Paxton as a likely first-round pick in this April's NFL draft. His position near the top of mock drafts has resulted in a flurry of national media attention and this picture in The Commercial Appeal.
• Best Worst Media Promo (Runner Up): No comment required.
• Best Worst Media Promotion (Winner!!!): "Memphis Most is now live." Run for the hills before it murders us all!!!
• Best Typo that Should Be An Actual Word: CHOAS!!! Remember Elvis Week 2016 when Black Lives Matters demonstrators showed up at Graceland to engage in a bit of modestly disruptive protest, police showed up in numbers sufficient to ensure there wasn't any fan base mingling, and it rained like hell? Those were the days, my friend. Or as WMC-TV put it in an alarming all-caps headline: "Elvis Week CHOAS." As in "Get CHOAS a proofreader." Gotta admit though, CHOAS is a good word for the fictional world of mayhem out TV news stations drum up by over-reporting crime without context. It's CHOAS out there!
• Best Misspelling in a Help Wanted Ad that Also Explains Everything Wrong With Contemporary Broadcast Media: The winner is WREG. They were looking for a new assistant news director able to...
• set the tone of the station's content
• put the "schizzle" into Breaking News."
• Most Important Breaking News: Thanks CA!
Weird Odds and Ends
•Weird shit you can buy: Have you been looking for the perfect toy to teach friends and family about inappropriate touching? If so, you may want to check and see if Family Dollar's still selling this T-Rex/Stegosaurus combo.
Here's how it works: The T-Rex has a yellow button where his junk should be, and he hollers whenever someone mashes it.
• Austin thought it could get away with something. Couldn't.
• Butt Plug is the New New Tumbleweave: Tumbleweaves — the lost wigs and all-too-familiar hair pieces we see blowing down the sidewalk — are so 2015. The future belongs to abandoned sex toys.
This adorable, pink butt plug was spotted in the Cooper-Young neighborhood, standing bolt upright in the middle of the street.
It raised a lot of questions. Questions like, Did it just fall out? Were words exchanged? Did somebody say, "It's not you, it's me?"
• Photo of the Year (Mississippi Edition): Remember when Hernando, Mississippi Mayor Chip (real name) Johnson told TV reporters that the nude photo he texted a girlfriend, while embarrassing, shouldn't interfere with his performance running city government? But what about everybody else's performance? Who can even think about mayor stuff when all they can think about is mayor stuff? YIKES!
I'm sure I left a bunch of stuff out. I always do, but that's what comments are for. Share your weird Mid-South, 2016.
There needs to be an addendum to the old saying, "Don't cry over spilled milk." Don't stab people over spilled cheese dip, especially if it's not Pancho's.
Seriously, don't do that.
A 35-year-old Memphis woman was rushed into surgery at Methodist hospital this morning after she wrecked a car she was driving to the emergency room. She'd been stabbed by another woman who, according to reports, became unreasonably upset after the victim spilled a container of Rotel the two women were sharing with an unidentified male.
If you're going down, you might as well go down swinging. Am I right?
Derrick Thomas, arrested in Jonesboro, Arkansas last month for indecent exposure and "enjoying himself," decided to expose himself again. This time in Judge Keith Blackman’s courtroom. Yesterday.
According to news reports Thomas was granted permission to leave the courtroom for a drink of water. He returned — running by all accounts — with his shirt off, his pants around his ankles, and his arms in the air.
“Court is back in session,” Thomas was quoted as saying.
Thomas laughed as three police officers forced his pants up and removed him from the courtroom. Then he added something to the effect of, “They will put [on my] tombstone that [I] was the one that got naked in the courtroom.”
"Hey, you look like the kind of guy who might trade $50,000 worth of lunch meat for some crack cocaine."
Last week Memphis Flyer reporter Toby Sells told the gripping tale of Larry Ron Bowen, the Arkansas truck driver who traded a tractor trailer load of lunch meat for an undisclosed amount of crack cocaine. The story was picked by various other national and international news outlets, but nobody told it better than the satirical online news content generator WTFark.
Fly on the Wall tries to avoid the over use of "hunka hunka" but sometimes nothing else will do. Fifty-seven-year-old Elvis Presley Strickland has been convicted of aggravated arson for throwing a Molotov cocktail into an occupied liquor store. StricklandGuilty.pdf
According to a criminal complaint posted at The Smoking Gun, Memphian Danny Smith called 9-1-1 repeatedly because a clerk at the Night and Day Food Market on Chelsea Ave. overcharged him by one penny for a 16-ounce can of Heineken. 9-1-1 operators explained to Smith that the one-cent discrepancy was a civil matter and not a life-threatening emergency so he called a non-emergency precinct number instead. Smith was arrested by police who arrived at the Night and Day after the angry beer drinker's second call to 9-1-1.
Ricky Ricardo Montgomery of Memphis had some splainin' to do last week. He apologized in court to the man he robbed at gunpoint last year. Then Montgomery, who admitted to smoking an impressive 30 blunts a day, issued this heartfelt apology to his wife: "I know how hard I have to fight to be the husband you desire." He was sentenced to 18 months in prison. Fred and Ethel were unavailable for comment.