Psssssst! Have you heard the news? Prince Harry's in Memphis this weekend. And since British people aren't like us and British Royal people aren't like anybody, Fly on the Wall has assembled a handy guide for navigating any and all potentially embarrassing confrontations with traveling, quite possibly nude monarchists.
1. Never forget: British royalty is empowered to behead people in any nation which they visit. So don't sass them!
2. If a member of the royal family addresses you, all responses should be predicated with "Hello, what?"
3. It is now considered bad form to refer to any member of the royal family as "Jughead".
4. Do not attempt to feed the royals. Their palates are adjusted to British cuisine, and artisanal pork rinds and heavily seasoned barbecue may disorient them.
5. Anytime a member of the royal family passes, it is traditional that anyone with a saxophone play "Yakkity Sax" until they are out of sight.
6. Remind members of the royal family that Memphis has its own King. And then say "Thank you very much" while impersonating Elvis. They will be amused with this every single time. (Note: Myron Lowery has been designated as the city's person to officially make this joke the first time. Please respect this).
7. Try to avoid taking naked pictures of any member of the royal family. It upsets them.
8. If you give a member of the royal family a shiny penny, they are obligated to confer knighthood on you at that very moment. This also works with gifts of enchanted swords and strange beasts.
9. Do not invite members of the royal family to your Fourth of July picnic. It's too soon.
10. Members of the royal family enjoy nothing more than listening to you recite lines from Monty Python sketches and films. Follow them around bellowing these at every opportunity. Also, Downton Abbey. Strangely enough, however, they have no insight into "Game of Thrones." So don't ask them to explain it to you.
11. In case it comes up, remember that "pudding" is not the same thing in England as it is here. Here it is a dessert. In England it is an antibacterial ointment.
It's the time of year when we celebrate love. Or something. So, uh... here you go...
Hey girl, they should call you Charlie Rose, 'cause I like falling asleep while you talk.
Hey girl, they should call you Captain Crunch, 'cause I want to wake up to you.
Hey girl, they should call you Fred Sanford, 'cause I'd like you to handle my junk.
Hey girl, they should call you a cab, so you can come to my house and get busy.
Hey girl, what's your sign? I hope it's DIVIDED HIGHWAY because I have a road sign fetish.
Hey girl, you're prettier than that girl in those ads for the Kindle feature where you get help from a live person right on the damn Kindle.
Hey girl, they should call you Jabba, 'cause I'd love to have you all up in my hut.
Hey girl, I hope you like ham sandwiches because that's what I made for dinner.
Hey girl, I hope you like reality TV because I'm the Biggest Loser.
Hey girl, I wouldn't mind being a Corvette if you were a sinkhole.
Hey girl, if loving you ain't logical, then just call me Evil Spock. You know, from that episode where everybody was opposite and all.
Hey girl, if they had a bootylicious olympics, you'd have a high medal count.
Hey girl, i was nice to you for a few minutes back in middle school, you owe me.
Hey girl, do you like chicken? I'm a vegan you disgust me.
Hey girl, let's play Dominos and get this done in 30 minutes or less.
Hey girl, do you like portmanteaus? Because I wanna smang it baby.
Hey girl, you must be gluten free...seriously you MUST be, because I am Highly intolerant.
Hey girl, are you on Game of Thrones, because I have no idea who you are or what your name is.
Hey girl, if love were candy corn, then I'd have a bag and a half when I'm around you.
Hey girl, are you Brian Kelsey, because you have turned the gay away. (Yeah, we know, we know...)
Hey girl, they should call your bed Disney World, because it's the happiest place on Earth. Also due to the lines.
Okay, that's the best we can do. You're on your own from here. And remember, a *cold uninterested stare is still a response.
Alternative Uses for Jack Pirtle's Delicious Gravy
Cordell and Tawanda Pirtle of Pirtle's fried Chicken are being roasted Saturday, Sept 28. Fly on the Wall is starting early. And hoping readers might offer some suggestions of their own.
Okay, now it's y'all's turn.
Lt. Governor Ron Ramsey's 10 Best Paranoid Fantasies
Lt. Governor Ron Ramsey commemorated the tragedy of 9/11 by tweeting the following: "As the President attempts to ally himself w/ Al-Qaeda in Syria's civil war, we must always remember who attacked us on our soil 12 years ago." Those words were circulated by way of his official Twitter account, at any rate. This idea that President Obama has been "chooming doobies" with the next Bin Laden is only the latest paranoid fantasy to be associated with Ramsey. Here are 10 more.
A Dozen of the Delta Fair's Least Publicized Attractions
It's Delta Fair time! And if there was ever a good reason to take your shirt off in public it's these 12 very Memphis attractions. So step right up, you can't win if you don't play the game!
By now everyone has surely seen the extraordinary postcard 3rd-District Congressman Chuck Fleischmann created for the benefit of President Barack Obama. But have you seen the President's extraordinary response?
Smart Meters and You
Memphis Light Gas and Water's plans to install so called "smart meters" in area homes has led some residents to protest the newfangled devices. Even Memphis City Council member Joe Brown has called them a form of Communism even though that's a real word with an actual, entirely different meaning. Fly on the Wall has heard rumors about photos of documents revealing several hidden smart meter features. And, of course, we're passing them along.
It is also unclear whether this law will impact the 1995 "Junk In The Trunk" law enacted after state legislators watched an episode of The Jerry Springer Show and ate some ham.
Six New Names for the Paula Deen Cafe That Should Probably Be Avoided
As you may have read, Harrah's Tunica is rebranding the Paula Deen Buffet. Because "Fly on the Wall" is a helpful blog we have created a list of six names that probably shouldn't be considered as a replacement. In fact these names are such no good, terrible, very bad ideas, nobody should read this blog post even. Unless, of course, they really, really want to.
Get a new lawyer.
Get a new lawyer who?
No, seriously, get a new lawyer.