There comes a time when every person looks in the mirror and asks, "Is there a wilder towing company out there?" And the answer, my friends, is yes. The sign on the door said, "Alberto's." The announcement on the bumper: "Buck Wild."
Submitted without comment.
These signs in conjunction (as seen posted here on the railroad overpass at Front and Butler) indicates that angry Rhinoceroses should keep to the right in order to avoid being struck by oncoming traffic. I guess.
Yesterday I was ready to unilaterally bestow the above title on Sonny Craver's weirdo soul single "Outside of Memphis," a song that claims Memphis is so great we should "build a wall" around ourselves to keep from being pillaged. But now I'm not so sure. In an approving response to the original post, a friend who shares my love of lost vinyl (and the absurd), reminded me of another oddity that earns bonus points for having been recorded in Memphis, at Style Wooten's Park Ave. studio, and released on Wooten's wonderfully-named Camaro label.
Although the song is ostensibly about a girl, "I Found My Love in Memphis," seems to be less of a love song than Chamber of Commerce propaganda cataloging the city's many amenities. Breakout couplet:
"We have more churches than filling stations/One of the best cities in the nation."
Java Cabana proprietress Mary Burns was in that special zone Thursday morning, halfway between exhaustion and elation, when she pulled out a broom to sweep sawdust from her establishment's newly-installed floor.
"It's heart of pine," she says surveying her progress on a tough DIY project undertaken with the help of good friends. The trees were over 100-years-old when they were cut and the panels are an inch-and-a-half thick. And if you look around you can see stamps from the last time the bowling lanes were resurfaced."
Yep. The new wood floors for the tiny Cooper Young coffee house with the vintage Memphis vibe were salvaged from the shuttered Imperial Lanes bowling alley on Summer Ave.
"I got the idea when I was out there for the Memphis Flyer 'Best of Memphis' party," she says.
Burns thinks the new wood floors will improve the room's acoustics and says she can't wait to hear how it sounds.
Two guys named Stoner have started a "soft wash" service and given it the best name in the history of soft wash services.
This is assuming that there is a history of soft wash services. Either way, I hope these guys charge time-and-a-half after 4:20.
According to a criminal complaint posted at The Smoking Gun, Memphian Danny Smith called 9-1-1 repeatedly because a clerk at the Night and Day Food Market on Chelsea Ave. overcharged him by one penny for a 16-ounce can of Heineken. 9-1-1 operators explained to Smith that the one-cent discrepancy was a civil matter and not a life-threatening emergency so he called a non-emergency precinct number instead. Smith was arrested by police who arrived at the Night and Day after the angry beer drinker's second call to 9-1-1.
The bond amount? 25,000 pennies.
Yesterday Fly on the Wall asked readers to submit High Point Owl fan fiction. While we would still love to post the best of your owly fanfic, the first piece I'm sharing is a true account told to me by a reader who asked to be identified as Mimosa Ave:
"I left my house located right in the Highpoint neighborhood around 9 PM for a jog. I had my headphones in, jamming to the latest R&B techno remix on pandora and not 10 steps into my run I felt a smack on the right side of my head—- along with something sharp. I screamed bloody murder, and I mean, I screamed, because for about 3 long seconds I thought I was getting mugged. The thought 'this is what you get for repeatedly running at night in the dark against your better judgement' even went through my head. I looked up and all around and I didn't see anything. No scurry, no flash of movement, nada. I reached up to my head and felt and immediately could tell I was bleeding. I ran back inside my house and looked in the mirror- took the aforementioned picture, and immediately looked up the date of my last tetanus and pondered the thought that the SOB could have been a bat- and contemplated the possibility of rabies.
As might be apparent, I am well acquainted with healthcare- which, in many ways, can help and hurt you. Ignorance can be bliss. I called my friend working her shift in the ER tonight to ask if I needed to boost my tetanus etc. She ran it by some attendings through a lot of laughter (naturally, this story is absurd, you have to laugh). They and other people working in ER tonight immediately asked what neighborhood I lived in—— when my friend disclosed Highpoint they immediately referenced this infamous owl. Hence, my journey to you and submitting this ridiculous story."
email your High Point Owl Halloween fan fiction (or non-fiction) to firstname.lastname@example.org. Write "Owl Fiction" in the subject field. I'll publish the good ones and award some MALCO movie tickets to my completely subjective favorites.
A few weeks back Fly on the Wall reported that the ArtHouse T-shirt shack was bringing back the official Antenna Club T-Shirt. This weekend you can celebrate its launch.
If you miss the T-shirt shindig but want to catch the music Alex, Lorette and the Rolling Head Orchestra (in trio form) will be at Bar DKDC later in the evening.
And if you like T-shirts— as I clearly do—you might want to check out this cheeky number created for the Circuit Playhouse production of Reefer Madness. Circuit is a part of the Playhouse on the Square family of theaters (POTS). Get it, POTShead?
It begins with this tweet...
For some perspective, the average owl weighs between 3 and 5 pounds. There was a photo too. Sort of.
According to Fox 13's Lauren Lee the owl is a dirty rotten thief who will steal your hat. And your earbuds.
It will also snatch your squirrel. Or your dog that looks like a squirrel.
So lock up your squirrels. Or your squirrel-dogs. Stay indoors and stay tuned to Fox 13 (or at least Lauren Lee's Twitter feed) for further Monster Owl developments.
You'll also want to track down all the responses to Lee's report. And read them aloud.
Yeah, me too.
Clicking the above links you to an epic post from I Showered for Nothing, a blog dedicated to stories about bad dates of all kinds. It tells the sad, sad story of a boy, a girl, a Memphis moviegoing experience we can all relate to, some boob squeezing, and a strategically placed bag of Skittles.
Taste the rainbow:
We made small talk during the previews. You know, just the usual questions a guy asks a girl. He wanted to hear all about the size of my ex boyfriend’s penis and if I knew what “the shocker” was. He pulled out a bag of Skittles from some mysterious place and offered me some, but I declined so he placed the bag on his lap and leered, “If you want any, you can get them yourself.” I didn’t dare grab any though because he was sweeping my off my feet so fucking hard already that I just knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from grabbing his dick.
Now that's a sticky situation.
Alternative Uses for Jack Pirtle's Delicious Gravy
Cordell and Tawanda Pirtle of Pirtle's fried Chicken are being roasted Saturday, Sept 28. Fly on the Wall is starting early. And hoping readers might offer some suggestions of their own.
Okay, now it's y'all's turn.
I love them even more when they interact with paintings and photographs making Memphis look like a city populated by giant junk monsters.