"Oh yes, I am sure Memphis is getting a Trader Joe's," Effkay proclaims, brandishing printed copies of a blog entry he posted online two weeks ago. "So it is written, when Fresh Market builds a store at the Ike's location by Playhouse on the Square, the stage is set for Trader Joe's."
"It is only logical," Effkay continues, carefully rationing out a handful of banana chips he obtained from his last "Joe's Run" to Nashville, "When the Good Trader looks down and sees a Fresh Market flourishing in Midtown, he's GOT to come, right?
"And Midtowners must do all of their shopping at the new Fresh Market as soon as it opens. The stakes are just so high," Effkay proclaims affecting a tone of grave foreboding. "So high," he repeats. "So very, very high."
Effkay has previously proclaimed the revitalization of Overton Square, renovations at the zoo, and various weather conditions to be heralds for a Trader Joe's store that has not yet materialized.
When asked why getting a Trader Joe's is so important, Effkay snickered condescendingly and said "You'll know when you know."
Joey Hack is a regular Fly on the Wall contributor, and is a member of the Wiseguys improv troupe. Additional reporting by Davis Christopher.
I've never seen the ghost of Elvis on Union Avenue, but I'm pretty sure this is a spirit photo of Joni Mitchell who turned 70 last week.
Happy birthday Joni. And well played, Kimbrough!
“We’ve been tricked this whole time thinking we’re eating true local produce,” says Goldie Locke, a 54-year-old Midtown resident and regular farmers market patron. “When they said the tomatoes I've been buying came from Fayette County, I almost threw up right then and there.”
The issue has lead to a new movement from Midtown consumers demanding a specialized “38104 label” be applied to produce and foods that have originated from the area.
“My husband and I were eating a steak we thought was locally grown," Locke continued. "And I asked if he'd ever even seen a cow in our part of town.
"That’s what got us wondering,” she said with a trembling voice as a group of vegan onlookers grimaced behind her.
A representative of the farmers market, who wished to remain anonymous, went on record saying it is difficult to keep track of a product's origin. "We did have a '901' label a few years ago that was successful but then The Southaven Squash Scandal of 2011 kinda ruined that."
Farmer and life-long Midtowner, Moe Santo, likes the idea of local labeling. "We're always having to chase off these rascals from Mississippi, Arkansas, and those fancy-pants Eastern-ers. Go sell your got-dang melons at the truck stop and leave us alone!" Mr. Santo then grabbed a rake and shoo-ed away an SUV with a Germantown Red Devils bumper sticker on it that was attempting to pull into the parking lot.
As of this report, the only “38104 label" approved items for sale at the farmers market were a one pound bag of okra, a small bundle of catnip, and 3000 handmade candles.
"Look, Big Star was great, and it's awesome that this city is so connected to it. But it's out of control," said Mary Maker, a friend of Duhatchet. "You can be talking about anything, and he finds a way to wedge Big Star into the conversation. Anything."
Last week Duhatchet managed to link the George Zimmerman trial to Big Star's song "The Ballad of El Goodo" with a barely noticeable segue.
"During the last election, Barry managed to compare Barack Obama and Mitt Romney with Alex Chilton and Chris Bell. It kind of made sense at the time, but after you got away from the conversation the whole thing was confusing. I just wish he'd chill out," said Mindy Mork, one of Duhatchet's coworkers.
Duhatchet was unavailable for comment, and calls to his voice mail (with a message containing portions of a recording of "September Gurls") were not returned. Neighbors indicate he was probably camping out for tickets to Big Star: Nothing Can Hurt Me, a film he mentioned in response to a question he had been asked about school consolidation.
Perhaps the City Council can propose a bill aimed at mollifying the notoriously vocal Midtown crowd? The SUMO (Shut Up Midtowners Ordinance) would require that any Midtown building that is more than 50 years old can not be demolished unless it is replaced by a Trader Joe's.
Such an ordinance should have the effect of short circuiting Midtowners brains to the point where they are utterly unable to respond to any proposed demolition.