It’s Tuesday, July 5 and MATA CEO Ron Garrison still can’t say when the hamburgers he was grilling for an Independence Day cookout will be done. Just over 10-pounds of pre-formed ground beef patties and six packages of Oscar Meyer "classic style" hotdogs were purchased Saturday, July 2nd to provide food for guests at Garrison's 4th of July party. A charcoal fire was lit at approximately 2 p.m., Monday, and a rustic wooden picnic table was spread with chips, dips, slaw, baked beans, and three different kinds of potato salad.
As of 10 a.m. Tuesday, July 5, no hamburgers or hotdogs had been served.
“I’m hungry,” partygoer Cara Street said, as she and her husband Beale watched the sun come up Tuesday morning. “I know Ron’s cooking just as fast as he can, but seriously, what the hell? These are pre-formed hamburger patties and hot dogs, it’s not like he’s making Chili en Nogada, or Coq au Vin. It’s not even like he’s making bratwursts.”
Garrison’s friend Bobby, who helped light the charcoal using his surefire dryer lint technique, says the meal was delayed as a result of safety concerns. “Everybody wants to get a nice sear on their burgers,” he explained. “But what’s really important is the internal temperature of the meat.”
“We’re making progress, but cannot give a definite timeline on either the burgers, or the dogs,” Garrison said, dipping his grill mop into a pot of Wicker’s.
Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense."
According to Myst, Brady is "genetically hardwired" to be a dick. "This isn't really about the gorillas," she says. "If he hadn't been taken out of the picture quickly and efficiently, there's no doubt in my mind he'd have done tremendous self-inflicted damage to himself and to the zoo."
Eyewitness and longtime Memphis Zoo member Clondyke Barr confirms Myst's assessment. "Brady spoke some really mean and, to my mind, completely unnecessary words to those gorillas. But he didn't seem dangerous," he says. "But then it was like he just couldn't help himself. Outta nowhere he chest bumps the hell outta this big monkey. Starts yelling about the status quo, and how little obese and crippled children shouldn't have to walk. Stuff like that. It was embarrassing as hell."
"He may have seemed reasonable to people who can't read CEO body language," Myst elaborates. "But we've spent years studying these creatures. They expect to be rewarded whether they make good decisions or bad decisions, and given a choice between any conciliatory action or pure assfaced dickery, we have strong reasons to believe that Brady will always choose the later. He'll tear the whole place apart — gorillas and all — and then expect someone to throw him some Monterey Jack cheese cubes."
Reports from the Zoo infirmary suggests that Brady, having no heart to stop, will make a full recovery and go on to bigger and better things in the future. "That's a completely natural outcome," Myst says.
As you've probably heard by now, GOP presidential nominee Donald J. Trump has been sending fundraising emails to foreign citizens including British politicians and every member of the Parliament of Iceland. This has resulted in a legal complaint filed by the The Campaign Legal Center accusing the candidate of violating federal law.
Fly on the Wall has obtained an email Trump's campaign sent to various UK officials including Pilsbury D'Bowie from the constituency of Welwyn Hatfield. Here's the full text.
To whom it may concern.
Please excuse me if I have infringe into your privacy. This may be strange
introduction, but I have no option than to mail you. I am Donald J. Trump, the Republican candidate for President of the United States. I m presently trying to make America great again and stop crooked Hillary. Though I have not met with you, I believe one has to risk confidence in someone to succeed sometimes in life.
To stop crooked Hillry there will be costs of doing America's business for which I will need your beautiful assistance. When we take back our contry I will inevest in your contry thru you in the business of your picking.
• Real Estate Investment
• The Transport Industry
• 3)Five Star Hotels.
I await your response soonest and please include your direct phone number, full
name and contact address for easy communication.
Donald J. Trump
Mohan, the male Sumatran tiger on loan to the Sacramento Zoo from Memphis says he doesn't feel the least bit bad about actions resulting in the death of female Sumatran tiger Baha.
"Am I sorry for killing her," Mohan asks rhetorically. "Well, it's regrettable, I suppose, that some people's feelings have been hurt as a result of what happened yesterday. But c'mon. I'm a fucking tiger. I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."
Mohan, was physically introduced to his "potential mate" Baha for the first time on Wednesday. Instead of breeding, the Memphis tiger became aggressive. Things escalated quickly and although the two big cats were soon separated, a mortal blow had been struck.
"I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."
"It's easy for people on one side of an issue to call the other side a bully," Mohan explains. "But the law of the jungle is very clear on this particular issue. It's also important to understand that there was a small group of other tigers who wanted to prevent this mating from happening the way it needed to happen. And by 'small group,' I mean Baha."
Frustrated Tiger experts claim Mohan and Baha had been living next door to each other for over a month and were were exhibiting signs that it was time for a physical introduction.
"You've got to remember," Mohan concludes. "I'm a professional tiger with 12-years experience. I know a couple of things about mating with females. I've been taking care of business for a long time. If she thinks, after a month and change, she can just stalk in here with those stripes, and tell me where I can and can't park my stuff, she's wrong. Dead wrong. Pun intended. Just because you've successfully bred with three other partners is no reason to think you have some special rights to your feline reproductive system."
Artists depiction of work on the Midtown/Germantown Kroger Tunnel AKA "The Krunnel."
As other media outlets have already reported, the new Kroger on Union Ave. will be "nowhere near" your standard Midtown Kroger. In an effort to lead the market in new shopping technology and strengthen Kroger's brand within the rapidly expanding high-end food store community of West Tennessee's official grocery district, the new Union Ave. Kroger will open in Germantown.
Kay Rogers of Big Con consulting describes the move as "bold."
"This is what thinking outside the box means," Rogers says. "Or thinking outside the 'big box' in this case. Most people assume that a newly renovated store is naturally confined to its original geographical context. Well, I guess this is a nice reminder of the old chestnut about assumptions. And how they make us look like ass people."
Rodgers didn't explain the science behind opening a Union Ave. branch in Germantown, but Midtown resident Bing Hampton has some ideas.
"There's something funny going on over there on Union Ave. and I don't mean knock-knock joke funny neither," says Hampton who believes the night crew is digging an enormous tunnel all the way to Germantown.
"I don't have any proof or anything, but Union's been going to Hell ever since they tore down the Sex Pistols Taco Bell in order to put up a new Taco Bell," he says. "People said it couldn't happen to the Sex Pistols' Taco Bell, but it did. Now it's only a matter of time before they move the whole street to the suburbs."
You've probably heard that the University of Memphis is moving forward with plans to honor former head basketball coach John Calipari. That's weird, right? I mean, the school's own newspaper pronounced him, "officially dead to Memphis."
Oh well. The Calipari pep rally is just one of many surprising things the U of M has in store. Here are some more.
• University of Memphis to be rebranded as South Louisville State.
• Students who transfer to other universities will have their tuition paid for and receive a substantial signing bonus.
• Fogelman College of Business and Economics to be renamed Sidney Shlenker School of Success.
• The Rose theatre to host a musical salute to pestilence and Yellow Fever.
• The soon to be renamed Tiger football program will host Remembering The Tennessee Oilers: a fan day. Original members of the 1997 team will attend the first quarter.
• Free punches in the throat by University administrators. By appointment.
• AMUM to host James Earle Ray: A Life in Photographs
What a scamp!
• Memphis Burning: An awards dinner in appreciation of the people who set the fires during the 1978 fire fighters' strike.
• Demolish The Hell Out Of The Coliseum, a catered charette.
• The U of M's mascot is changing. The Tigers will be replaced by Grand Wizards. To reflect the name change Nathan Bedford Forrest's statue in Health Sciences Park will be relocated to Tiger Lane.
• To promote a healthier Memphis The U of M will sponsor a petition to change Barbecue fest to salad day.
• A monthlong tribute to Tennessee's Greatest City: Nashville.
Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.
• The Dana Kirk School of Propriety opens its doors in January followed by The Derrick Rose Centre for Read Good and The George Nichopoulos School of Wellness for Musicians
• A full week of events has been planned for the grand opening of the new Larry Porter Athletic Complex. It kicks off with Josh Pastner: To Hell With That Guy Day. It culminates with an assembly for alumni who will be pelted with garbage and badgered for donations.
• Community engagement events to include a Kroger parking lot picnic and family riot.
• A Thousand Points of Flight: A two-pronged art exhibit celebrating suburban expansion and the Delta/Northwest Merger
• A Segregation Homecoming.
• The U of M is also proud to announce the creation of the Robert Lipscomb Scholarship Promoting Civil and Social Planning.
UPDATE: The University of Memphis has reversed course and decided not to honor John Calipari after all. Probably because of this column and the mighty sting of our jokes.
This post was created with help from improv comedy specialists The Wiseguys. They have a show coming up Saturday and you should go see it.
Brian Yotch is torn. The College Park resident agrees with Memphis Mayor A.C. Wharton that it’s time for the body of Confederate General and former Klan leader Nathan Bedford Forrest to be removed from its place of honor in Health Sciences Park. On the other hand, Yotch worries that the Grand Wizard’s exhumation will result in deadly paranormal activity.
“There is an army of mostly decomposed confederates buried in Elmwood just looking for a reason to rise up and kill the living,” Yotch said at an impromptu neighborhood watch meeting. “Nobody seems to care about what will happen if they move Forrest's bones out of the the medical district. They don't think twice about putting our neighborhood on the front line of the coming war where the veil between reality and unreality will be ripped asunder.
“When the dead rise up to march, they’re marching toward Midtown,” Yotch said, cautioning civic leaders to be reasonable. “Don’t think I’m saying it’s okay for Memphis to honor a guy who made his fortune selling slaves and rebelling against America. Because it’s not okay. I just think we need to consider what can happen when you go messing with forces you shouldn’t be messing with.”
Yotch’s neighbor Dick Holiday disagrees and hopes Forrest’s remains will eventually be returned to Elmwood, where the Southern General was previously interred. “What the history-hating idiot next door needs to do is shut his pie hole and open up a donut shop or something,” Holiday said. “As soon as they move Forrest to Elmwood our neighborhood becomes the number one tourist destination in America for racists. That guy’s like Klan Elvis, am I right?”
Holiday says that, while he's not personally a racist, he sees no reason why the area shouldn’t benefit economically by a sudden influx of hater money. “If I had financial backing I’d open a Civil War-themed cupcake shop. Or Rebel Yell SnoCones. Maybe a gun store and shooting range,” Holiday said. “You get Forrest, you get that tourist opportunity.”
“Yeah, I totally want that racist money too,” Yotch said, answering his neighbor's complaint. “Who wouldn't want a bunch of heavily armed peckerwoods with disposable income parking on their street? But as good as that sounds, I don't want it at the expense of a dark reckoning. It’s like in the movie Jaws when the town leaders knew there was a killer shark out there in the water eating people, but were afraid of losing business over the fourth of July. Only instead of a killer shark it’s a bunch of undead soldiers with bayonets and battle flags.”
“It’s nothing like Jaws,” Holiday countered, shrugging off his neighbor’s concerns. “That whole rebel graveyard thing is more like The Walking Dead."
“More like Poltergeist,” Yotch shouted over his fence. "People died after shooting that movie," he warned portentously. “And now they’re rebooting the whole franchise. This stuff never goes away. It comes back. It always comes back.”
By Joey Hack
on Mon, Jun 29, 2015 at 10:10 AM
By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
- Washington, D.C.
In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.
“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room. “The time for change is literally now.”
Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans. “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced. We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced. You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”
“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin. “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose. Chet seems nice.”
In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”
President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative. “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”
The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.
Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.
Joey Hack is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe. More of his work and the work of other hilarious people can be found in The Howling Monkey Magazine.
Crosstown — Ariya Mann says someone has stolen her new bifocals and the Memphis Police Department won’t even take her report.
“It's shocking,' Mann said. "They just look at me and laugh. Right in my face. They tell me to go home and look in the mirror and things like that. One officer even had the audacity to say, ‘Miss Mann, nobody’s stolen your glasses,’ when I know full well that they did. Because I know I put them down on the coffee table in the living room and they’re not there now. What else could have possibly happened?”
Mann says she suspects gang activity. The glasses, she explains, were only a month old, but the $68 Kate Spade frames have a vintage 1950’s look. “They're so adorbs,” She said, pulling up a photo on Google images, and adding that she's not usually the type of person who just goes around saying "adorbs."
Mann, who appeared to be wearing a pair of Kate Spade glasses pushed up high on her head at the time of this interview, claims to have lost all faith in local law enforcement.
“You know, I wasn’t even going to call the police until I heard the news report about how they found Sir Elton John’s glasses when they were stolen from the Rock and Soul Museum last week,” Mann said. “I know I’m just an ordinary person. I never even wrote one version of ‘Candle in the Wind,’ let alone two versions. But I certainly didn’t expect to be treated like a crazy person.”
When asked if the glasses on top of her head might indeed be the missing pair Mann became embarrassed. “Well, look at that,” she said, laughing at herself. “I guess this one’s on me.
“There’s still the matter of my pickup truck that was stolen in 1996,” Mann concluded, adjusting her recovered spectacles. “That’s way bigger than any old Rocket Man glasses, and the police never found that either. I'm not sure they even tried.”
By Joey Hack
on Thu, Mar 12, 2015 at 2:42 PM
Photographer unknown; the image comes from KCEN-TV’s archive and was provided by Dan Archer of KCEN. [Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons
- Nashville, TN
The National Association of Country Music Broadcasters (“NACMB”) today announced that all albums by GOP senators who signed a letter to Iran are banned on member station airwaves.
“We have a long standing policy of banning albums by people that bad mouth the U.S.A. and the President to foreign nations or on foreign soil,” said Bonnie McReba, NACMB President. “When the Dixie Chicks pulled their little treason stunt in England back in ’03, we were swift to punish them. We have no choice but to do the same to those traitors in the Senate.”
The banning follows an open letter signed by 47 Republican senators to Iranian leaders indicating any agreement reached with the Obama administration on issues relating to nuclear materials would not “count” and would not last beyond the current administration.
“Country music fans are nothing if not intellectually honest and consistent,” McReba said. “Can you imagine how mad they are that someone is bad mouthing our current President? We really have to take this action or face huge blowback from our listeners.”
He may be grinnin’, but after today’s decision he won’t be pickin’!
A spokesperson for Senator Tom Cotton, the Arkansas Republican who spearheaded the letter said, “Obviously, we are very disappointed in [NAMCB]’s decision. But, we have to do what we feel is right for America. It’s just sad that anyone who wants to hear Senator Cotton’s new album Jug Band Hootenanny will have to go through iTunes or the Senator’s website.”
Top tracks from that album include Why You Done Kilt My Dog?, She Don’t Know Why She Left (But She Did), and Obama Ain’t Nothing But A Dang Stinkbug.
Memphis is known around the country for its lip-smacking good BBQ, its toe-tapping Blues and Rock n’ Roll music, and, of course, its knee-slapping hilarious comedians! In honor of the 4th Annual Memphis Comedy Festival this weekend, we’ve compiled a list of the funniest, most recognizable local comedian types working in Memphis right now!
"My word, I've got a rather severe case of the giggles!!!"
#7) Marquel (2Funny) Parram
“I can only tell you what I heard I did…”
Marquel (2Funny) Parram is one of the hardest working comedians on the scene today. You can find this Comedian anywhere there's an audience in Memphis, and I mean ANYWHERE!
“I wanted to get strong as a performer,” he said, “so I figured I need to practice in as many different venues and in front of as many different audiences as I could.”
Not only has Marquel performed stand-up at Memphis’s top venues, he’s performed on street corners, buses, trolleys, grocery stores, doctor’s offices, carpools, and even at the zoo!
“You know a joke’s not good when you can’t make a hyena laugh.”
Marquel has been on the Memphis Comedy scene for four years now and said he is ready to make the transition to full-time comedian. He has had semi-recent success opening up for the ducks walking at the Peabody. You can see Marquel (2Funny) Parram…well…anywhere!
Our number six pick is the wild Josh Feveret! Josh moved to Memphis from Chattanooga just three years ago. And since then he has shook up the local comedy scene. Josh has often made a habit of riding the lines of appropriateness when it comes to his standup sets.
“Comedians today have to be shocking in order to get any attention,” Josh said. “I may say things that might offend you, but that’s part of the art of standup.”
Josh did make local headlines recently when he briefly set himself on fire during one of his standup sets at the P&H café’s open mic night.
“I wasn’t getting any laughs that night, so I thought well… let’s kick things up a notch. In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best decision, but that’s what open mics are for. The paramedic did laugh a little when I asked her for a light before they took me to the emergency room, so I’d say the night wasn’t a complete waste.”
Josh will be opening for a local punk music band The Mindless Ripoffs this Saturday at Murphy’s bar.
“I thought this was a music open mic not a comedy one, but the host said I could do a few songs before you guys start.”
Thomas J. Freeman has been part-time musician in Memphis for the past 12 years. He doesn’t consider himself a comedian, yet will religiously show up to all the comedy open mics and shows in Memphis asking for stage time.
“Otherlands coffeeshop won’t have me back anymore because apparently you have to order something once in a while, which I am against,” he said. “Also they really only want you performing during the open mics, not to people trying to use the Internet.”
Thomas hopes to soon sell at least 10 of the CD’s he’s made of all originally songs he recorded in his sister’s boyfriend’s bathroom. The album is called “Echos by the Throne.” Buy it online here.
#4) Jessica Talbert
“I may not know a lot, but one thing I know for damn sure is that airplane fuel doesn’t burn hot enough to melt steel!”
Young, energetic, and fearless are three worlds that come to mind when you think of this up-and-coming Memphis comedienne. Some comics like to do impressions, others tell stories of their personal life experience, but comics like Jessica like to go more political.
“It’s easy to make people laugh. I mean look at the New World Order!” She said. “Our reptilian shape-shifting lizard overlords have been laughing at our ignorance for years. Wake up people!”
Recently Jessica has taken time off from her full time job as a blogger for ChemtrailsAreBrainControl.com to focus more on her stand-up career. Although she has yet to finish a complete set without the microphone being cutoff, she is releasing her first full-length comedy album called “Live from Hollow Earth.” You can see Jessica perform at the back porch of most bars trying to get you to stop drinking water. Also check out her Podcast, “Tinfoil Hat Thoughts” on the Shut up and Listen Network.
#3)Tim “The Biff” Johnson
“It’s Biffing time!!!”
This comedian has the largest and most loyal fan following in Memphis. His high energy comedy is a force to be reckoned with. It’s hard to find any comedy fan in Memphis that doesn’t enjoy a good “Biffing”. He is one of many headlining comedians working in Memphis, but what sets him apart from the others?
“It’s the Biff-Squad, definitely,” he said. “My fans are come out in full force waiting to get biffed, and what can I say? I always deliver.”
Tim Johnson has been doing comedy for 18 years now and has a career ranging from stand-up to movies to theater.
“The Biff has done Shakespeare before; the Biff can do it all.”
You can see Tim “The Biff” Johnson getting his Biff on at his comedy showcase at the Cooper Penny off Central Avenue the 12th of every month. Click here for official Biff Merchandise.
#2) DJ Tickle-Cheeks
“Goo goo…haaaa HAAA Ppppppffftttt drrrrrppp ma ma ma….”
Who said this list was only featuring stand-up comedians? You may not recognize his face, but you’d definitely recognize his voice! DJ Tickle-Cheeks hosts the #1 podcast in Memphis, “Nap Time; Snap Time” on the OAM Audio Network. DJ Tickle-Cheeks got his start in comedy when he ate spaghetti for the first time. Combined with a deep appreciation for dubstep music, DJ Tickle-Cheeks has built a strong following here in the city of baby blues.
“We cannot wait till he gains more control over his motor skills and is able to actually hold his head up to the microphone, then there is no stopping him,” said audio producer Gil Worth.
And finally we come to our number choice for best local Memphis Comedian...
It’s a horse guys, horses can’t talk.
As most of you know there is a horse that appears randomly in Memphis comedy clubs and venues.
“Oh shit, that horse is back” is a common phrases said by host and hostess at open mics and showcases.
“He just keeps to himself most of the time, which is fine when a show isn’t going on. But have you ever tried making an audience laugh when there is a 900lbs thoroughbred horse standing in the middle of the freaking room”, said one Memphis comedian. “He goes to like 80% of the shows in town, and he doesn’t even laugh! He just stands there knocking shit over.”
You can find the Memphis Comedy Horse at a majority of comedy venues in town.
And there you have it! The undisputed top 7 entirely made up comedians working in Memphis! If you'd like to see the real, hardworking, and funny local comedians in Memphis, this weekend’s Comedy Festival is the perfect place to start.
For a listing of shows, tickets, and venues go to MemphisComedyFestival.com. All joking aside, Memphis does have a very strong, very funny comedy scene and they deserve to be recognized. Go out and see a show and support local performers and artist. BE A PART OF IT!!!
Mike McCarthy is a standup comedian who is sometimes confused with Mike McCarthy the filmmaker and occasionally mistaken for the Memphis Comedy Horse. He is also a Wiseguy and contributor to Fly on the Wall.
By Joey Hack
on Sun, Feb 15, 2015 at 4:37 PM
Just about here...
Winter Stormageddonpocalypse '15 is bearing down on the Mid-South. As local meteorologists prepare for inordinate amounts of screen time, you should make ready for the coming storm. Here are some important tips to help you survive the storm of the century.
1. Stock up on jokes about milk and bread. There's going to be a lot of opportunity to make jokes about people running to the store for necessities in the face of winter weather. You're going to want cutting edge, fresh jokes so that yours can stand out on social media. Don't be stuck with just one "Guess we're going to need bread and milk!" quip for Facebook. Go get those jokes ready now so you can be at the forefront of obvious comedy.
2. Winterize your house. Cover the entire house with a Styrofoam teepee. If it’s good enough for your outdoor faucets, it's good enough for your whole house.
3. Determine which family members you will eat. If trapped by ice for more than two days, you may need to decide which family member the rest will eat in order to survive. It's best to make those plans now when you can do it rationally and without letting emotions get in the way during a crisis. The Donner party didn't plan, and reports say they had a really hard time deciding who would be lunch. And don't even get me started on that soccer team. Those guys had a really tough time due to lack of planning!
4. Purchase a salt truck and 50 tons of salt. This will be incredibly useful. And if the storm does not show up, you’ve got enough salt to last for your meals for at least a week!
5. Mock people. If you are from the North, now is your opportunity to make fun of and be condescending to your new neighbors. Make as many insulting, rude and annoying statements about how we just don’t understand snow down here and that it’s quaint that we react to winter weather the way we do. We love that.
6. Gather costumes. Prepare for the winter weather by stocking up on supplies to make costumes of local weather personalities. Treat weather reports like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Throw bread or something at your TV anytime there’s a weather crawl! Shoot each other with water guns anytime Ron Childers says “occluded”! Make it fun!
7. Prepare entertainment. Remember, if the power goes out, you won’t be able to access programming on your TV, radios, Netflix, or even your old Magnum P.I. DVDs. So prepare for some non-electric based entertainment. Like puppets or something. I don’t know what people did for fun in the dark ages, but I assume puppets were involved.
8. Prepare a shrine to Ithaqua. Just in case the storm is caused by Old Ones, it won’t hurt to do what you can to appease Ithaqua lest he devour your soul or send you to the brink of gibbering madness.
9. Get a sled. Call it Rosebud and yearn for it as you lay dying, allowing it symbolize your lost youth and innocence. Spoiler alert. Sorry.
10. Say “Cold enough for you?” over and over again. This will help make the decision in number 3 easier for the rest of the family.
Mr. Hack is Fly on the Wall's senior Stormageddonpocalypse correspondent and a Wiseguy.
A microscopic view of Tennessee's legislature-shaped growth.
Tragedy struck this week, as the US Surgeon General advised Tennessee that the mass growing in the greater Nashville region was, in fact, cancer of the state Legislature, and that its current insurance plan would not cover any sort of invasive surgery to remove it.
“This is one of the most aggressive, repugnant tumors I’ve ever seen,” said the Surgeon General. “It has already spread to the Judiciary and state Constitution, and is eyeing the Executive as we speak. God, I wish we could have caught it sooner.”
One of the so-called “marginally poor” states, Tennessee generates barely enough revenue to disqualify itself from federally guaranteed health care coverage, but lives paycheck-to-paycheck, considering health care to be an unaffordable luxury.
Functional state legislatures are a vital organ of the state, regulating many of the industries and practices that comprise a reasonable modern government. Friends and family of Tennessee urged it to seek medical attention when the legislature developed abnormally high concentrations of guns and regressive taxes, but after years of ignoring the problem, the situation appears dire.
“This cancer has grown unchecked for years, and it appears to be self-funding at present,” the Surgeon General explained, “without treatment I’d give you two years before you experience total public school shut down.”
Doctors recommended the state begin immediate radiation therapy, with debate raging on as to whether the Legislature should be defined as a living person and protected from destruction.
Tennessee has set up a GoFundMe to help defray the cost of medical bills.
Robert Callahan is a Memphian living in Chicago, Wiseguy, and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall.