Thursday, November 10, 2016

Trump Taps Prince Mongo For Secretary of the Interior

Posted By on Thu, Nov 10, 2016 at 8:01 AM

In a surprise 3 a.m. announcement President-elect Donald J. Trump said notorious alien/Memphian Prince Mongo would  join his cabinet as Secretary of the Interior.

"Oh spirits, this was such a wonderful surprise," says Mongo, who's dabbled in Memphis politics for much of his life on Earth, but never held office. "The President-elect said he was looking around on Facebook, just killing a little time, and he saw my new profile picture, and knew I was the spirit for the job."

Mongo admits he was surprised to discover that, while the position is called "Secretary of the Interior," much of his job concerned land management, parks, and the the great outdoors.

"All I know is we're gonna do some decorating," Mongo said excitedly. "I've already got plans for the Grand Canyon that involves miles and miles of clothesline, and some really beautiful underpants designed for larger women."

According to Mongo his conversation with Trump was short but good.

"He asked where I saw myself in 5-years," Mongo says. The answer: "Working closely with the administration in its second term, of course. Only this time I'm Rubber Chicken czar."

Friday, October 7, 2016

Memphis Facing Severe Unpainted Rock Crisis

Posted By on Fri, Oct 7, 2016 at 11:31 AM

Graffiti artist and all purpose vandal Ashlyn Brax pulls his hoodie up and looks both ways before exiting his dorm room. "Shit's not right," he mutters straddling a rickety cruiser and turning its front wheel towards a derelict industrial neighborhood. "The whole point of a rock is it's an anonymous message," he complains. "It's Fist-sized and perfect for knocking out windows in buildings that need to be fixed or knocked down. But it's so much easier to identify the thrower if the rocks have Yodas and shit painted all over them."

Brax's complaint doesn't yield much in the way of public sympathy. Most sources interviewed agreed that curtailing the destruction of property is a good thing, but his is only one of numerous problems Memphians face resulting from a recent mania for painting cute, colorful, family-friendly images on rocks and hiding them in plain sight like so many tooth-breaking easter eggs. The craze has resulted in what some experts are describing as a, "severe unpainted rock crisis."

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning and 87-year-old Tony Lancilunghi would normally be roaming the city with his rolling shopping cart in search of the city's flattest, roundest stones. Lancilunghi is a competitive stone skipper, who hadn't missed a day's practice since he was seven years old. Until last week, anyway, when the old timer says he took up whittling. 

"I didn't know there was some rule about taking more than one," he spits defiantly. "I saw some of them were painted up to look like the California Raisins, but I don't give two hoots about any of that hippity-hop mess." So Lancilunghi, who's won several regional titles, and is ranked in the top 500 stone skippers worldwide took a bucket of painted stones to the lake at Shelby Farms where he swears they "skipped even better than an unpainted rock." Shortly thereafter the internet shaming campaign began.

"People shouldn't take more than one painted rock per person," one commenter said while someone else complained, "That old man drowned my babies," and another responded, "#rocklivesmatter."

A rock painter using the handle Thanksy is furious: "It's bad enough that artists are expected to practically give our work away for free as it is, now we put so much time and effort into making common gravel look like the live action cast of Scooby Doo and some jackass just comes along and dumps them in the river? Sad."

Noted regional geologist Bif Berman says he's all about civic pride, unity, and getting outside and looking at rocks, but he's not a fan of the latest fad. "To paint the rock suggests there was something wrong or incomplete about this beautiful piece of sculpture Mother Nature made without spending a dime at Hobby Lobby.

"Imagine the public outcry," Berman concludes, "If some group started painting Sponge Bob on stray dogs or shaving the local squirrel population. Rocks have dignity too. Only they express it over eons, in a language most Americans don't speak." 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Marsha Blackburn Tries Out New Supervillain Catchphrase

Posted By on Fri, Sep 30, 2016 at 11:11 AM

"It is not in a warming trend!"
  • "It is not in a warming trend!"
Recent comments by U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) have been taken out of context by a mainstream media that refuses to acknowledge that Blackburn — long dismissed as an intellectual lightweight — is an evil genius hellbent on destroying the solar system with her new, improved weather gun.

"Is climate change manmade?" Blackburn asked rhetorically in a short phone interview. "No! For I am WOMAN!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" And then she hung up.

For years Blackburn's anti-science positions have functioned as cover for her own abominable experiments and an opportunity to divert funds away from potential evil rivals and NASA.
Blackburn has been criticized for recent comments to Huffington Post. Although "I think the Earth is in a cooling trend," was spoken in response to questions about Donald Trump's debate performance, it was essentially the Tennessee Legislator trying out the line she plans to shout when she finally zaps President Obama with her blizzard ray.

Comic book nerds agree it's bad science and worse policy but, as a catchphrase, it's kitschy and kind of delicious. 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Mural Project Brings Hope to Affluent Neighborhood

Posted By on Fri, Sep 23, 2016 at 11:20 AM

Donna Justis - S. MANN
  • S. Mann
  • Donna Justis
Donna Justis wants to change the world, one colorful wall at a time.

“You know, I grew up in an affluent neighborhood,” the 34-year-old artist and media relations specialist says. “I still live in one. So I understand how scared people are out there, especially in the really nice parts of town.”

With funding from an Urban Embetterment grant Justis and six other artists will create a dozen cheerful murals with the same comforting message: “You Are Safe.”

“It’s not that there’s nothing to be afraid of,” Justis explains. “But statistically speaking people who live in nicer neighborhoods shoulder a disproportionate amount of fear, worry, and concern about things like crime, brutal mayhem, drug dealers they didn’t meet in college, and things like that. It's not right, and nobody's out there doing anything about it.”

With her large scale mural project the artist wants to remind people in nice homes, who’ve lost hope and become shut ins, glued to police scanners and American Family Radio, that they don’t have the 5-0 rolling down the street shining spotlights at all hours, and are far less likely to come to a bad, criminally violent end than pretty much anybody.

“Is anybody ever really safe?” Justis ponders. “Well, yes. Yes, they are. I mean, not 100% of course, because bad things happen. Scary things. Crazy things happen. But if you’re living anywhere near one of these murals the odds are so in your favor you should stop freaking out and live a little.”

Anna Lingus, president of the Association of Neighborhood Associations is outraged by Justis’ proposal. “None of this meets AOA standards,” she wrote in an e-mail to members. “I don’t know who these people think they  are coming in here with their awful colors and silly patronizing messages, but nobody wants this tacky mess and it’s not going to happen.”

Justis isn't deterred by criticism. "It's a shame," she says. "We have all these perfectly wealthy people and they're too afraid to even dream."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Polite East Memphis Demonstration Goes Unnoticed

Posted By on Tue, Aug 16, 2016 at 1:50 PM

Jay Walker
  • Jay Walker
Members of the Nice Lives Matter movement have expressed mild, thoughtfully worded disappointment that their orderly, single-file march down Tuckahoe Rd from S. Goodlett to Perkins Ext., and back again, was completely ignored and accomplished nothing.

Jay Walker, who organized a post-march backyard picnic for protesters and the media says he’s not mad as hell, and will continue to "take it" as there are no considerate alternatives. But Walker's not giving up, and plans to write an open letter to area politicians and the Memphis media, enumerating many positive things about the city, including his organization’s mission to make Shelby Co. a global hub for civil discourse.

“Look,” Walker says. “We didn’t expect to be the lead story at 10, but we expected something. Maybe a Chopper-5 flyby, or some small police presence to protect us from counter-protesters.”

Fortunately for Walker, and nine other people who showed up to march with posters reading, “Smile,” and, “Be Nice or Leave (Unless You Want to Stay),” there was no counter protest.

Nice Lives Matter is an open and accepting group comprised primarily of white professionals committed to diversity and making the world a better place for everybody. Their next planned action is a sit-in at Bar Louie on Overton Square.

"We hope to lead by example." — Jay Walker, Memphis

“The goal of these sit-ins is to be just super nice to everybody, especially the wait staff, regardless of race or lifestyle. We hope to lead by example,” Walker says. “When you look at the people who are involved with this organization you see a lot of citizens who’ve always obeyed the laws and played by the rules. I don’t think there’s a person among us who’s ever been in trouble publicly, or gone to jail for any reason. We’re good examples — the sort of people you want to write about. The kind of people you want to put on TV.”

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

MATA CEO Still Not Sure When Burgers Will Be Done

Posted By on Tue, Jul 5, 2016 at 11:58 AM

Try the potato salad.
  • Try the potato salad.
It’s Tuesday, July 5 and MATA CEO Ron Garrison still can’t say when the hamburgers he was grilling for an Independence Day cookout will be done. Just over 10-pounds of pre-formed ground beef patties and six packages of Oscar Meyer "classic style" hotdogs were purchased Saturday, July 2nd to provide food for guests at Garrison's 4th of July party. A charcoal fire was lit at approximately 2 p.m., Monday, and a rustic wooden picnic table was spread with chips, dips, slaw, baked beans, and three different kinds of potato salad.

As of 10 a.m. Tuesday, July 5, no hamburgers or hotdogs had been served.

“I’m hungry,” partygoer Cara Street said, as she and her husband Beale watched the sun come up Tuesday morning. “I know Ron’s cooking just as fast as he can, but seriously, what the hell? These are pre-formed hamburger patties and hot dogs, it’s not like he’s making Chili en Nogada, or Coq au Vin. It’s not even like he’s making bratwursts.”

Garrison’s friend Bobby, who helped light the charcoal using his surefire dryer lint technique, says the meal was delayed as a result of safety concerns. “Everybody wants to get a nice sear on their burgers,” he explained. “But what’s really important is the internal temperature of the meat.”

“We’re making progress, but cannot give a definite timeline on either the burgers, or the dogs,” Garrison said, dipping his grill mop into a pot of Wicker’s. 

Friday, July 1, 2016

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Posted By on Fri, Jul 1, 2016 at 7:05 PM

Former friends Chuck & MJ
  • Former friends Chuck & MJ
Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want  everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense."

According to Myst, Brady is "genetically hardwired" to be a dick. "This isn't really about the gorillas," she says. "If he hadn't been taken out of the picture quickly and efficiently, there's no doubt in my mind he'd have done tremendous self-inflicted damage to himself and to the zoo." 

Eyewitness and longtime Memphis Zoo member Clondyke Barr confirms Myst's assessment. "Brady spoke some really mean and, to my mind, completely unnecessary words to those gorillas. But he didn't seem dangerous," he says. "But then it was like he just couldn't help himself. Outta nowhere he chest bumps the hell outta this big monkey. Starts yelling about the status quo, and how little obese and crippled children shouldn't have to walk. Stuff like that. It was embarrassing as hell."

"He may have seemed reasonable to people who can't read CEO body language," Myst elaborates. "But we've spent years studying these creatures. They expect to be rewarded whether they make good decisions or bad decisions, and given a choice between any conciliatory action or pure assfaced dickery, we have strong reasons to believe that Brady will always choose the later. He'll tear the whole place apart — gorillas and all — and then expect someone to throw him some Monterey Jack cheese cubes."

Reports from the Zoo infirmary suggests that Brady, having no heart to stop, will make a full recovery and go on to bigger and better things in the future. "That's a completely natural outcome," Myst says.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Read Trump's Letter Soliciting Campaign Donations from Non-U.S. Citizens

Posted By on Wed, Jun 29, 2016 at 3:32 PM


As you've probably heard by now, GOP presidential nominee Donald J. Trump has been sending fundraising emails to foreign citizens including British politicians and every member of the Parliament of Iceland. This has resulted in a legal complaint filed by the The Campaign Legal Center accusing the candidate of violating federal law. 

Fly on the Wall has obtained an email Trump's campaign sent to various UK officials including Pilsbury D'Bowie from the constituency of Welwyn Hatfield. Here's the full text.

To whom it may concern.
Please excuse me if I have infringe into your privacy. This may be  strange
introduction, but I have no option than to mail you. I am Donald J. Trump, the Republican candidate for President of the United States. I m presently trying to make America great again and stop crooked Hillary. Though I have not met with you, I believe one has to risk confidence in someone to succeed sometimes in life.
To stop crooked Hillry there will be costs of doing America's business for which I will need your beautiful assistance. When we take back our contry I will inevest in your contry thru you in the business of your picking.

• Real Estate Investment
• The Transport Industry
• 3)Five Star Hotels.

I await your response soonest and please include your direct phone number, full
name and contact address for easy communication.
Donald J. Trump

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Memphis Zoo's Tiger Says He Isn't Sorry

Don't mess with the Mohan. Critics describe the big cat as "A tone deaf asshole"

Posted By on Thu, Feb 11, 2016 at 1:29 PM

Scene of the crime
  • Scene of the crime
Mohan, the male Sumatran tiger on loan to the Sacramento Zoo from Memphis says he doesn't feel the least bit bad about actions resulting in the death of female Sumatran tiger Baha.

"Am I sorry for killing her," Mohan asks rhetorically. "Well, it's regrettable, I suppose, that some people's feelings have been hurt as a result of what happened yesterday. But c'mon. I'm a fucking tiger. I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."

Mohan, was physically introduced to his "potential mate" Baha for the first time on Wednesday. Instead of breeding, the Memphis tiger became aggressive. Things escalated quickly and although the two big cats were soon separated, a mortal blow had been struck.

    "I have the right to kill any potential mate, especially if she smells weird."

"It's easy for people on one side of an issue to call the other side a bully," Mohan explains. "But the law of the jungle is very clear on this particular issue. It's also important to understand that there was a small group of other tigers who wanted to prevent this mating from happening the way it needed to happen. And by 'small group,' I mean Baha."

Frustrated Tiger experts claim Mohan and Baha had been living next door to each other for over a month and were were exhibiting signs that it was time for a physical introduction. 

"You've got to remember," Mohan concludes. "I'm a professional tiger with 12-years experience. I know a couple of things about mating with females. I've been taking care of business for a long time. If she thinks, after a month and change, she can just stalk in here with those stripes, and tell me where I can and can't park my stuff, she's wrong. Dead wrong. Pun intended. Just because you've successfully bred with three other partners is no reason to think you have some special rights to your feline reproductive system."

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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

New Union Ave. Kroger to Open in Germantown

Posted By on Wed, Oct 21, 2015 at 3:42 PM

Artists depiction of work on the Midtown/Germantown Kroger Tunnel AKA "The Krunnel."
  • Artists depiction of work on the Midtown/Germantown Kroger Tunnel AKA "The Krunnel."

As other media outlets have already reported, the new Kroger on Union Ave. will be "nowhere near" your standard Midtown Kroger. In an effort to lead the market in new shopping technology and strengthen Kroger's brand within the rapidly expanding high-end food store community of West Tennessee's official grocery district, the new Union Ave. Kroger will open in Germantown.

Kay Rogers of Big Con consulting describes the move as "bold." 

"This is what thinking outside the box means," Rogers says. "Or thinking outside the 'big box' in this case. Most people assume that a newly renovated store is naturally confined to its original geographical context. Well, I guess this is a nice reminder of the old chestnut about assumptions. And how they make us look like ass people." 

Rodgers didn't explain the science behind opening a Union Ave. branch in Germantown, but Midtown resident Bing Hampton has some ideas.

"There's something funny going on over there on Union Ave. and I don't mean knock-knock joke funny neither," says Hampton who believes the night crew is digging an enormous tunnel all the way to Germantown.

"I don't have any proof or anything, but Union's been going to Hell ever since they tore down the Sex Pistols Taco Bell in order to put up a new Taco Bell," he says. "People said it couldn't happen to the Sex Pistols' Taco Bell, but it did. Now it's only a matter of time before they move the whole street to the suburbs."

Thursday, September 10, 2015

U of M Plans John Calipari Celebration and Other Weird Stuff

Posted By on Thu, Sep 10, 2015 at 2:39 PM

You've probably heard that the University of Memphis is moving forward with plans to honor former head basketball coach John Calipari. That's weird, right? I mean, the school's own newspaper pronounced him, "officially dead to Memphis." 


Oh well. The Calipari pep rally is just one of many surprising things the U of M has in store. Here are some more.

• University of Memphis to be rebranded as South Louisville State.

• Students who transfer to other universities will have their tuition paid for and receive a substantial signing bonus. 

Good times.
  • Good times.

• Fogelman College of Business and Economics to be renamed Sidney Shlenker School of Success.

• The Rose theatre to host a musical salute to pestilence and Yellow Fever.


• The soon to be renamed Tiger football program will host Remembering The Tennessee Oilers: a fan day. Original members of the 1997 team will attend the first quarter. 

• Free punches in the throat by University administrators. By appointment. 


• AMUM to host James Earle Ray: A Life in Photographs

What a scamp!
  • What a scamp!

• Memphis Burning: An awards dinner in appreciation of the people who set the fires during the 1978 fire fighters' strike.

• Demolish The Hell Out Of The Coliseum, a catered charette. 

• The U of M's mascot is changing. The Tigers will be replaced by Grand Wizards. To reflect the name change Nathan Bedford Forrest's statue in Health Sciences Park will be relocated to Tiger Lane. 

• To promote a healthier Memphis The U of M will sponsor a petition to change Barbecue fest to salad day.

• A monthlong tribute to Tennessee's Greatest City: Nashville.

Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.
  • Not an Ikea. But not a Bass Pro either.

• The Dana Kirk School of Propriety opens its doors in January followed by The Derrick Rose Centre for Read Good and The George Nichopoulos School of Wellness for Musicians

• A full week of events has been planned for the grand opening of the new Larry Porter Athletic Complex. It kicks off with Josh Pastner: To Hell With That Guy Day. It culminates with an assembly for alumni who will be pelted with garbage and badgered for donations.

• Community engagement events to include a Kroger parking lot picnic and family riot.

• A Thousand Points of Flight: A two-pronged art exhibit celebrating suburban expansion and the Delta/Northwest Merger

• A Segregation Homecoming.

• The U of M is also proud to announce the creation of the Robert Lipscomb Scholarship Promoting Civil and Social Planning.


UPDATE: The University of Memphis has reversed course and decided not to honor John Calipari after all. Probably because of this column and the mighty sting of our jokes. 

This post was created with help from improv comedy specialists The Wiseguys. They have a show coming up Saturday and you should go see it. 

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Ten "Go Set a Watchman" Spoilers Guaranteed to Spoil Your "Go Set a Watchman" Experience

Posted By on Thu, Jul 16, 2015 at 10:44 AM



1. In her new novel Go Set a Watchman author Harper Lee gives Atticus Finch breasts

2. In Harper Lee's new novel Atticus Finch drives a red Miata.
3. The new Harper Lee novel gives Atticus Finch a talking dog named Mr. Rumples.
 4. In Harper Lee's new novel, Atticus Finch is played by Jack Black.
5. In the new Harper Lee novel Atticus Finch loses his fight with Apollo Creed, but wins our hearts.
6. In the new Harper Lee novel Atticus Finch reveals himself to be Sucitta Hcnif, a shape shifting half-demon from the funk dimension. He claims he was sent here to, "funking get down."
7. In the new Harper Lee novel Atticus Finch has a Prince Albert piercing.
8. The new Harper Lee novel gives Atticus Finch a lightsaber.
9. In the new Harper Lee novel Atticus Finch is a little too into Sleater Kinny.
10. The new Harper Lee novel gives Atticus Finch a pretext for war with Sweden.

BONUS: In Harper Lee's  new novel Atticus Finch ruins everything for everybody, especially English teachers. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Rejected Slogans for Tennessee's Sexist Anti-DUI Campaign

Posted By on Wed, Jul 15, 2015 at 8:05 AM

If you think the controversial anti-DUI slogans created for the Governor's Highway Safety Office were bad, wait till you the slogans they rejected! Your pesky Fly-Team has collected several posters that, for some reason or another, just didn't make the cut. And here they are. 

They had us at "male fantasy."
  • They had us at "male fantasy."

Heritage, not heat.
  • Heritage, not heat.

Excellent advice, we can't imagine why it didn't make the cut.
  • Excellent advice, we can't imagine why it didn't make the cut.

What, no Kryspers?
  • What, no Kryspers?

This one seems like it might be a bit sexist, actually.
  • This one seems like it might be a bit sexist, actually.

Now that's just mean.
  • Now that's just mean.

That's uncalled for.
  • That's uncalled for.

Not sexist, but true. It's a song about an  old man who molests cocktails and wears younger men's clothes. That's just creepy.
  • Not sexist, but true. It's a song about an old man who molests cocktails and wears younger men's clothes. That's just creepy.
  • Speechless

This post was made with the help of The Wiseguys. 

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Residents Weigh Merits of Racist Tourist District Against Chances of a Dark Apocalypse

Posted By on Tue, Jun 30, 2015 at 11:41 AM

Brian Yotch is torn. The College Park resident agrees with Memphis Mayor A.C. Wharton that it’s time for the body of Confederate General and former Klan leader Nathan Bedford Forrest to be removed from its place of honor in Health Sciences Park. On the other hand, Yotch worries that the Grand Wizard’s exhumation will result in deadly paranormal activity.

“There is an army of mostly decomposed confederates buried in Elmwood just looking for a reason to rise up and kill the living,” Yotch said at an impromptu neighborhood watch meeting. “Nobody seems to care about what will happen if they move Forrest's bones out of the the medical district. They don't think twice about putting our neighborhood on the front line of the coming war where the veil between reality and unreality will be ripped asunder.

“When the dead rise up to march, they’re marching toward Midtown,” Yotch said, cautioning civic leaders to be reasonable. “Don’t think I’m saying it’s okay for Memphis to honor a guy who made his fortune selling slaves and rebelling against America. Because it’s not okay. I just think we need to consider what can happen when you go messing with forces you shouldn’t be messing with.”

Yotch’s neighbor Dick Holiday disagrees and hopes Forrest’s remains will eventually be returned to Elmwood, where the Southern General was previously interred. “What the history-hating idiot next door needs to do is shut his pie hole and open up a donut shop or something,” Holiday said. “As soon as they move Forrest to Elmwood our neighborhood becomes the number one tourist destination in America for racists. That guy’s like Klan Elvis, am I right?”

Holiday says that, while he's not personally a racist, he sees no reason why the area shouldn’t benefit economically by a sudden influx of hater money. “If I had financial backing I’d open a Civil War-themed cupcake shop. Or Rebel Yell SnoCones. Maybe a gun store and shooting range,” Holiday said. “You get Forrest, you get that tourist opportunity.”

“Yeah, I totally want that racist money too,” Yotch said, answering his neighbor's complaint. “Who wouldn't want a bunch of heavily armed peckerwoods with disposable income parking on their street?  But as good as that sounds, I don't want it at the expense of a dark reckoning. It’s like in the movie Jaws when the town leaders knew there was a killer shark out there in the water eating people, but were afraid of losing business over the fourth of July. Only instead of a killer shark it’s a bunch of undead soldiers with bayonets and battle flags.”

“It’s nothing like Jaws,” Holiday countered, shrugging off his neighbor’s concerns. “That whole rebel graveyard thing is more like The Walking Dead."

“More like Poltergeist,” Yotch shouted over his fence. "People died after shooting that movie," he warned portentously. “And now they’re rebooting the whole franchise. This stuff never goes away. It comes back. It always comes back.”

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Monday, June 29, 2015

Obama Enforces Gay Marriage Law

Posted By on Mon, Jun 29, 2015 at 10:10 AM

  • By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons
- Washington, D.C.

In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.

“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room. “The time for change is literally now.”

Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans. “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced. We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced. You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”

“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin. “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose. Chet seems nice.”

In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”

President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative. “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”

The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.

Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.

Joey Hack is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.  More of his work and the work of other hilarious people can be found in The Howling Monkey Magazine

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