You've probably heard that the University of Memphis is moving forward with plans to honor former head basketball coach John Calipari. That's weird, right?
I mean, the school's own newspaper pronounced him, "officially dead to Memphis."
Oh well. The Calipari pep rally is just one of many surprising things the U of M has in store. Here are some more.
• University of Memphis to be rebranded as South Louisville State.
• Students who transfer to other universities will have their tuition paid for and receive a substantial signing bonus.
• Fogelman College of Business and Economics to be renamed Sidney Shlenker School of Success.
• The Rose theatre to host a musical salute to pestilence and Yellow Fever.
• The soon to be renamed Tiger football program will host Remembering The Tennessee Oilers: a fan day. Original members of the 1997 team will attend the first quarter.
• Free punches in the throat by University administrators. By appointment.
• AMUM to host James Earle Ray: A Life in Photographs
• Memphis Burning: An awards dinner in appreciation of the people who set the fires during the 1978 fire fighters' strike.
• Demolish The Hell Out Of The Coliseum, a catered charette.
• The U of M's mascot is changing. The Tigers will be replaced by Grand Wizards. To reflect the name change Nathan Bedford Forrest's statue in Health Sciences Park will be relocated to Tiger Lane.
• To promote a healthier Memphis The U of M will sponsor a petition to change Barbecue fest to salad day.
• A monthlong tribute to Tennessee's Greatest City: Nashville.
• The Dana Kirk School of Propriety opens its doors in January followed by The Derrick Rose Centre for Read Good and The George Nichopoulos School of Wellness for Musicians
• A full week of events has been planned for the grand opening of the new Larry Porter Athletic Complex. It kicks off with Josh Pastner: To Hell With That Guy Day. It culminates with an assembly for alumni who will be pelted with garbage and badgered for donations.
• Community engagement events to include a Kroger parking lot picnic and family riot.
• A Thousand Points of Flight: A two-pronged art exhibit celebrating suburban expansion and the Delta/Northwest Merger
• A Segregation Homecoming.
• The U of M is also proud to announce the creation of the Robert Lipscomb Scholarship Promoting Civil and Social Planning.
UPDATE: The University of Memphis has reversed course and decided not to honor John Calipari after all. Probably because of this column and the mighty sting of our jokes.
This post was created with help from improv comedy specialists The Wiseguys. They have a show coming up Saturday and you should go see it.