Parody

Monday, June 29, 2015

Obama Enforces Gay Marriage Law

Posted By on Mon, Jun 29, 2015 at 10:10 AM

BY LUDOVIC BERTRON FROM NEW YORK CITY, USA [CC BY 2.0 (HTTP://CREATIVECOMMONS.ORG/LICENSES/BY/2.0)], VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
  • By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
- Washington, D.C.

In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.

“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room. “The time for change is literally now.”

Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans. “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced. We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced. You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”

“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin. “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose. Chet seems nice.”

In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”

President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative. “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”

The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.

Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.

Joey Hack is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.  More of his work and the work of other hilarious people can be found in The Howling Monkey Magazine

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Thursday, April 30, 2015

Midtown Woman Furious MPD Won’t Find Her Glasses

Posted By on Thu, Apr 30, 2015 at 10:50 AM

Cute, right?
  • Cute, right?
Crosstown — Ariya Mann says someone has stolen her new bifocals and the Memphis Police Department won’t even take her report.

“It's shocking,' Mann said. "They just look at me and laugh. Right in my face. They tell me to go home and look in the mirror and things like that. One officer even had the audacity to say, ‘Miss Mann, nobody’s stolen your glasses,’ when I know full well that they did. Because I know I put them down on the coffee table in the living room and they’re not there now. What else could have possibly happened?”

Mann says she suspects gang activity. The glasses, she explains, were only a month old, but the $68 Kate Spade frames have a vintage 1950’s look. “They're so adorbs,” She said, pulling up a photo on Google images, and adding that she's not usually the type of person who just goes around saying "adorbs."

Mann, who appeared to be wearing a pair of Kate Spade glasses pushed up high on her head at the time of this interview, claims to have lost all faith in local law enforcement.


“You know, I wasn’t even going to call the police until I heard the news report about how they found Sir Elton John’s glasses when they were stolen from the Rock and Soul Museum last week,” Mann said. “I know I’m just an ordinary person. I never even wrote one version of ‘Candle in the Wind,’ let alone two versions. But I certainly didn’t expect to be treated like a crazy person.”

When asked if the glasses on top of her head might indeed be the missing pair Mann became embarrassed. “Well, look at that,” she said, laughing at herself. “I guess this one’s on me.

“There’s still the matter of my pickup truck that was stolen in 1996,” Mann concluded, adjusting her recovered spectacles. “That’s way bigger than any old Rocket Man glasses, and the police never found that either. I'm not sure they even tried.”

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Country Music Stations Ban Albums By GOP Senators

Posted By on Thu, Mar 12, 2015 at 2:42 PM

click image PHOTOGRAPHER  UNKNOWN; THE IMAGE COMES FROM KCEN-TV’S ARCHIVE AND WAS PROVIDED BY DAN ARCHER OF KCEN. [ATTRIBUTION], VIA WIKIMEDIA COMMONS
  • Photographer unknown; the image comes from KCEN-TV’s archive and was provided by Dan Archer of KCEN. [Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons


- Nashville, TN

The National Association of Country Music Broadcasters (“NACMB”) today announced that all albums by GOP senators who signed a letter to Iran are banned on member station airwaves.

“We have a long standing policy of banning albums by people that bad mouth the U.S.A. and the President to foreign nations or on foreign soil,” said Bonnie McReba, NACMB President. “When the Dixie Chicks pulled their little treason stunt in England back in ’03, we were swift to punish them. We have no choice but to do the same to those traitors in the Senate.”

The banning follows an open letter signed by 47 Republican senators to Iranian leaders indicating any agreement reached with the Obama administration on issues relating to nuclear materials would not “count” and would not last beyond the current administration.

“Country music fans are nothing if not intellectually honest and consistent,” McReba said. “Can you imagine how mad they are that someone is bad mouthing our current President? We really have to take this action or face huge blowback from our listeners.”
He may be grinnin’, but after today’s decision he won’t be pickin’!
  • He may be grinnin’, but after today’s decision he won’t be pickin’!

A spokesperson for Senator Tom Cotton, the Arkansas Republican who spearheaded the letter said, “Obviously, we are very disappointed in [NAMCB]’s decision. But, we have to do what we feel is right for America. It’s just sad that anyone who wants to hear Senator Cotton’s new album Jug Band Hootenanny will have to go through iTunes or the Senator’s website.”

Top tracks from that album include Why You Done Kilt My Dog?, She Don’t Know Why She Left (But She Did), and Obama Ain’t Nothing But A Dang Stinkbug.

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to The Fly on the Wall, and is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.  For more of his stuff check out The Howling Monkey blog or The Howling Monkey Magazine.

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Friday, March 6, 2015

Comic on Comic: An Insider's Guide to Memphis' Comedy Scene

Posted By on Fri, Mar 6, 2015 at 11:58 AM




Memphis is known around the country for its lip-smacking good BBQ, its toe-tapping Blues and Rock n’ Roll music, and, of course, its knee-slapping hilarious comedians! In honor of the 4th Annual Memphis Comedy Festival this weekend, we’ve compiled a list of the funniest, most recognizable local comedian types working in Memphis right now! 









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"My word, I've got a rather severe case of the giggles!!!"














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#7) Marquel (2Funny) Parram



Catchphrase:

“I can only tell you what I heard I did…”









Marquel (2Funny) Parram is one of the hardest working comedians on the scene today. You can find this Comedian anywhere there's an audience in Memphis, and I mean ANYWHERE!



“I wanted to get strong as a performer,” he said, “so I figured I need to practice in as many different venues and in front of as many different audiences as I could.”



Not only has Marquel performed stand-up at Memphis’s top venues, he’s performed on street corners, buses, trolleys, grocery stores, doctor’s offices, carpools, and even at the zoo!



“You know a joke’s not good when you can’t make a hyena laugh.”



Marquel has been on the Memphis Comedy scene for four years now and said he is ready to make the transition to full-time comedian. He has had semi-recent success opening up for the ducks walking at the Peabody. You can see Marquel (2Funny) Parram…well…anywhere!

2funnycomedy.com




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#6) Josh Feveret








Catchphrase: 


“I have a knife on me.”




Our number six pick is the wild Josh Feveret! Josh moved to Memphis from Chattanooga just three years ago. And since then he has shook up the local comedy scene. Josh has often made a habit of riding the lines of appropriateness when it comes to his standup sets.



“Comedians today have to be shocking in order to get any attention,” Josh said. “I may say things that might offend you, but that’s part of the art of standup.”



Josh did make local headlines recently when he briefly set himself on fire during one of his standup sets at the P&H café’s open mic night.



“I wasn’t getting any laughs that night, so I thought well… let’s kick things up a notch. In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best decision, but that’s what open mics are for. The paramedic did laugh a little when I asked her for a light before they took me to the emergency room, so I’d say the night wasn’t a complete waste.”



Josh will be opening for a local punk music band The Mindless Ripoffs this Saturday at Murphy’s bar.

Joshisonfireyall.com




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#5) Thomas J. Freeman 


Catchphrase:

“I thought this was a music open mic not a comedy one, but the host said I could do a few songs before you guys start.”








Thomas J. Freeman has been part-time musician in Memphis for the past 12 years. He doesn’t consider himself a comedian, yet will religiously show up to all the comedy open mics and shows in Memphis asking for stage time.



“Otherlands coffeeshop won’t have me back anymore because apparently you have to order something once in a while, which I am against,” he said. “Also they really only want you performing during the open mics, not to people trying to use the Internet.”



Thomas hopes to soon sell at least 10 of the CD’s he’s made of all originally songs he recorded in his sister’s boyfriend’s bathroom. The album is called “Echos by the Throne.” Buy it online here.

 




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#4) Jessica Talbert








Catchphrase:

“I may not know a lot, but one thing I know for damn sure is that airplane fuel doesn’t burn hot enough to melt steel!”





Young, energetic, and fearless are three worlds that come to mind when you think of this up-and-coming Memphis comedienne. Some comics like to do impressions, others tell stories of their personal life experience, but comics like Jessica like to go more political.



“It’s easy to make people laugh. I mean look at the New World Order!” She said. “Our reptilian shape-shifting lizard overlords have been laughing at our ignorance for years. Wake up people!”



Recently Jessica has taken time off from her full time job as a blogger for ChemtrailsAreBrainControl.com to focus more on her stand-up career. Although she has yet to finish a complete set without the microphone being cutoff, she is releasing her first full-length comedy album called “Live from Hollow Earth.” You can see Jessica perform at the back porch of most bars trying to get you to stop drinking water. Also check out her Podcast, “Tinfoil Hat Thoughts” on the Shut up and Listen Network.




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#3)Tim “The Biff” Johnson









Catchphrase:



“It’s Biffing time!!!”





This comedian has the largest and most loyal fan following in Memphis. His high energy comedy is a force to be reckoned with. It’s hard to find any comedy fan in Memphis that doesn’t enjoy a good “Biffing”. He is one of many headlining comedians working in Memphis, but what sets him apart from the others?



“It’s the Biff-Squad, definitely,” he said. “My fans are come out in full force waiting to get biffed, and what can I say? I always deliver.”



Tim Johnson has been doing comedy for 18 years now and has a career ranging from stand-up to movies to theater.



“The Biff has done Shakespeare before; the Biff can do it all.”



You can see Tim “The Biff” Johnson getting his Biff on at his comedy showcase at the Cooper Penny off Central Avenue the 12th of every month. Click here for official Biff Merchandise.










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#2) DJ Tickle-Cheeks







Catchphrase:

“Goo goo…haaaa HAAA Ppppppffftttt drrrrrppp ma ma ma….”





Who said this list was only featuring stand-up comedians? You may not recognize his face, but you’d definitely recognize his voice! DJ Tickle-Cheeks hosts the #1 podcast in Memphis, “Nap Time; Snap Time” on the OAM Audio Network. DJ Tickle-Cheeks got his start in comedy when he ate spaghetti for the first time. Combined with a deep appreciation for dubstep music, DJ Tickle-Cheeks has built a strong following here in the city of baby blues.



“We cannot wait till he gains more control over his motor skills and is able to actually hold his head up to the microphone, then there is no stopping him,” said audio producer Gil Worth.



Listen to DJ Tickle-Cheeks every Friday on the OAM Audio Network.




And finally we come to our number choice for best local Memphis Comedian... 



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A Horse







Catchphrase: (N/A)

It’s a horse guys, horses can’t talk.




As most of you know there is a horse that appears randomly in Memphis comedy clubs and venues.



“Oh shit, that horse is back” is a common phrases said by host and hostess at open mics and showcases.



“He just keeps to himself most of the time, which is fine when a show isn’t going on. But have you ever tried making an audience laugh when there is a 900lbs thoroughbred horse standing in the middle of the freaking room”, said one Memphis comedian. “He goes to like 80% of the shows in town, and he doesn’t even laugh! He just stands there knocking shit over.”



You can find the Memphis Comedy Horse at a majority of comedy venues in town.






And there you have it! The undisputed top 7 entirely made up comedians working in Memphis!  If you'd like to see the real, hardworking, and funny local comedians in Memphis, this weekend’s Comedy Festival is the perfect place to start.



For a listing of shows, tickets, and venues go to MemphisComedyFestival.com. All joking aside, Memphis does have a very strong, very funny comedy scene and they deserve to be recognized. Go out and see a show and support local performers and artist. BE A PART OF IT!!!



Mike McCarthy is a standup comedian who is sometimes confused with Mike McCarthy the filmmaker and occasionally mistaken for the Memphis Comedy Horse. He is also a Wiseguy and contributor to Fly on the Wall. 




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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Winter Storm Survival Tips

Posted By on Sun, Feb 15, 2015 at 4:37 PM

Just about here... - UNCLE L.D.
  • Uncle L.D.
  • Just about here...

Winter Stormageddonpocalypse '15 is bearing down on the Mid-South. As local meteorologists prepare for inordinate amounts of screen time, you should make ready for the coming storm. Here are some important tips to help you survive the storm of the century.

1. Stock up on jokes about milk and bread. There's going to be a lot of opportunity to make jokes about people running to the store for necessities in the face of winter weather. You're going to want cutting edge, fresh jokes so that yours can stand out on social media. Don't be stuck with just one "Guess we're going to need bread and milk!" quip for Facebook. Go get those jokes ready now so you can be at the forefront of obvious comedy.

2. Winterize your house. Cover the entire house with a Styrofoam teepee. If it’s good enough for your outdoor faucets, it's good enough for your whole house.

3. Determine which family members you will eat. If trapped by ice for more than two days, you may need to decide which family member the rest will eat in order to survive. It's best to make those plans now when you can do it rationally and without letting emotions get in the way during a crisis. The Donner party didn't plan, and reports say they had a really hard time deciding who would be lunch. And don't even get me started on that soccer team. Those guys had a really tough time due to lack of planning!

4. Purchase a salt truck and 50 tons of salt. This will be incredibly useful. And if the storm does not show up, you’ve got enough salt to last for your meals for at least a week!

5. Mock people. If you are from the North, now is your opportunity to make fun of and be condescending to your new neighbors. Make as many insulting, rude and annoying statements about how we just don’t understand snow down here and that it’s quaint that we react to winter weather the way we do. We love that.

6. Gather costumes. Prepare for the winter weather by stocking up on supplies to make costumes of local weather personalities. Treat weather reports like The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Throw bread or something at your TV anytime there’s a weather crawl! Shoot each other with water guns anytime Ron Childers says “occluded”! Make it fun!

7. Prepare entertainment. Remember, if the power goes out, you won’t be able to access programming on your TV, radios, Netflix, or even your old Magnum P.I. DVDs. So prepare for some non-electric based entertainment. Like puppets or something. I don’t know what people did for fun in the dark ages, but I assume puppets were involved.

8. Prepare a shrine to Ithaqua. Just in case the storm is caused by Old Ones, it won’t hurt to do what you can to appease Ithaqua lest he devour your soul or send you to the brink of gibbering madness.

9. Get a sled. Call it Rosebud and yearn for it as you lay dying, allowing it symbolize your lost youth and innocence. Spoiler alert. Sorry.

10. Say “Cold enough for you?” over and over again. This will help make the decision in number 3 easier for the rest of the family.

Mr. Hack is Fly on the Wall's senior Stormageddonpocalypse correspondent and a Wiseguy.  


Thursday, February 5, 2015

Tennessee Denied Coverage to Remove Cancerous Lawmakers

Posted By on Thu, Feb 5, 2015 at 2:18 PM

A microscopic view of Tennessee's legislature-shaped growth.
  • A microscopic view of Tennessee's legislature-shaped growth.

Tragedy struck this week, as the US Surgeon General advised Tennessee that the mass growing in the greater Nashville region was, in fact, cancer of the state Legislature, and that its current insurance plan would not cover any sort of invasive surgery to remove it.

“This is one of the most aggressive, repugnant tumors I’ve ever seen,” said the Surgeon General. “It has already spread to the Judiciary and state Constitution, and is eyeing the Executive as we speak. God, I wish we could have caught it sooner.”

One of the so-called “marginally poor” states, Tennessee generates barely enough revenue to disqualify itself from federally guaranteed health care coverage, but lives paycheck-to-paycheck, considering health care to be an unaffordable luxury.

Functional state legislatures are a vital organ of the state, regulating many of the industries and practices that comprise a reasonable modern government. Friends and family of Tennessee urged it to seek medical attention when the legislature developed abnormally high concentrations of guns and regressive taxes, but after years of ignoring the problem, the situation appears dire.

“This cancer has grown unchecked for years, and it appears to be self-funding at present,” the Surgeon General explained, “without treatment I’d give you two years before you experience total public school shut down.”

Doctors recommended the state begin immediate radiation therapy, with debate raging on as to whether the Legislature should be defined as a living person and protected from destruction.

Tennessee has set up a GoFundMe to help defray the cost of medical bills.

Robert Callahan is a Memphian living in Chicago, Wiseguy, and regular contributor to Fly on the Wall

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Memphis TV Station Arrested For Allegedly Stabbing Other TV Station in Brawl Over Fancy Wig

Posted By on Tue, Dec 9, 2014 at 4:41 PM

Mug Shot
  • Mug Shot

Memphis TV station WMC, AKA Action News 5, was taken into police custody Tuesday after stabbing rival TV Station WREG, News Channel 3, with what police are describing as a "big fucking samurai sword."

Witnesses at the scene say Action News 5 was trying on a Kim Kardashian brand hairpiece valued at $39.95 when News Channel 3 snuck up behind the unsuspecting station and snatched the wig right off its head.

"Lord, you should have heard Channel 5 holler," said WKNO Channel 10. The public television station was enjoying margaritas and an order of guacamole fries on the patio at Cafe Olé when the fight broke out.

"It sounded like somebody was being murdered," WKNO said. "And then that samurai sword came out, and we thought somebody was going to be murdered."

WMC's neighbors greeted the news with mixed reactions.

"I kinda think WREG is a little bit jealous of WMC," says unlicensed massage therapist Carl Masutra who lives in a van that he parks behind a popular fast food restaurant on Union Ave. "And if somebody was trying to snatch their wig, I think they've got a right to stand their ground."

Brenda Dishwalla of Dishwalla Interiors says she's shocked by the behavior of both news stations.

"Which one is supposed to be 'on your side?'" Dishwalla asked. "Is it WMC 'on your side' or WREG 'on your side?' Because it doesn't sound to me like either of these stations is on my side. And who the hell goes around carrying a samurai sword?"

Channel 3 was taken to the hospital where it was treated for minor injuries. WMC was questioned and released on its own recognizance. Although graffiti was spotted near the scene, no gang involvement is currently suspected, and no formal charges have been brought against either station. 


Friday, November 21, 2014

Steve Cohen Proposes Building a Moat, Hiring a Dragon

Posted By on Fri, Nov 21, 2014 at 8:45 AM

Sir Steve of Midtown
  • Sir Steve of Midtown
Earlier this week U.S. Rep Steve Cohen of Memphis suggested that White House security issues might be improved by digging a moat. He later claimed that he didn't mean a moat exactly, but some moat-like water barrier inhibiting access to the White Castle. It could be beautiful, he said.

Since this important story first broke, the Fly-Team has been working day and night, and has since turned up an extensive list of ideas Cohen was considering before going with "moat."


1. Smaug the Magnificent.

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2. White House Secret Service detail to be replaced with D.C. chapter of Society for Creative Anachronism members.

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3. Catapult drones

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4. Epic recitations by national coffee house poetry champion, Rhayne.

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5. All visitors to White House must answer three questions posed by a guardian on a bridge. Failure to do so shall cause them to be hurled into abyss.

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6. Invisible ninjas.

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7. Visible ninjas

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8. Burmese Tiger Trap or possibly a Scorpion pit.

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9. Sign to be erected that says "Not At All The White House" to trick most fiends.

10. Appoint a "Get Medieval on your ass" Czar

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11. Dick Cheney with a shotgun on premises at all times.

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12. Mimes. Fucking everywhere.

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13. Seriously, mimes! They're like silent clowns with invisible box powers.

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14. Enhance FBI's dark sorcery budget.

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15. Discourage napping and XBox playing by Secret Service agents on duty.



16. Living gargoyles to swoop down from White House roof and snatch intruders, taking them to the Plane of Torment for all eternity.

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17. Creating common sense programs for assisting mentally ill citizens. Other than jail. And, of course...

18. bees!

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This list was made with help from The Wiseguys. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Local Man Concerned About Who Gets Free Candy

Posted By on Tue, Oct 28, 2014 at 1:57 PM

Other People Candy
  • Other People Candy
Midtown— Central Gardens resident James Whale expressed concern today that undeserving individuals might receive free candy from him and his neighbors this Halloween, while tacitly attempting to not sound racist.

"I love seeing the neighborhood kids dressed up in their costumes getting candy," Whale said. "The little ghosts and vampires are hilarious. Last year we had a family dressed like the Avengers with a young girl playing Thor, if you can believe that. But, you know, I'm just not real happy when....other people show up. The tall ones, especially. "

When pressed for details Whale had a difficult time expressing himself. "This year we bought some really good candy. We got name brand chocolate bars and the good tootsie pops, and some really scary gummy candies that look like severed ears and noses. And, well, you know."

Whale fell silent while meticulously weighing small piles of smarties and other classic halloween candies purchased in bulk from Costco then parceling them out in fun-sized Halloween themed baggies. "It's just, I don't know, not right," he blurted out at length. "It's just that people come in from other neighborhoods and take the candy I was giving away."

Asked what differentiates the trick-or-treaters that trouble him, Whale said only that some of them are too old to be trick-or-treating, and don't have costumes. "You know what I mean," he said, twisting his face into a mask of strained ineloquence. 

"Look, I don't mind when my neighbor's kids bring a bunch of friends over,  that's different." Whale said, breaking into a sack of his own candy corn. "I really don't mind the expense. I love buying candy for kids in my neighborhood, and neighborhoods like mine."

"Oh well, I guess I'll just get some spare candy for, you know, them. For the out-of-neighborhood trick-or-treaters," Whale said removing a couple of large bags of those disgusting candies wrapped in black and orange paper from the trunk of his car. "You know what I mean."

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to the Fly On The Wall blog and is a member of The Wiseguys Improv troupe. 


Monday, September 8, 2014

Racially Charged Assault Great for Racists, Racists Say

Posted By on Mon, Sep 8, 2014 at 1:44 PM

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Memphis Police have arrested at least four minors in an incident that rocked social media over the weekend. An online video showed a group of more than 20 teenagers engage in a violent spree at the Kroger in Poplar Plaza in which three people were injured.

The video, which showed a group of African American teens in the parking lot, and documented one young White Kroger employee being assaulted, has caused a great deal of discussion.

“Look, it’s a terrible thing that happened here, but it really helps me out,” said Memphis resident Rick Rolle. “If nothing else, it’s given me an opportunity to voice my views more freely.”

“Where’s the Black community on this? How come we haven’t heard from Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson or George Washington Carver calling this a hate crime? And let’s not hold our breath waiting for Obama to get involved, because, well, you know why,” Rolle said.

Rolle believes that this incident affords an opportunity for honest dialogue. “For example, after this, I feel comfortable using the word ‘thugs’ to describe young, Black males without any fear of criticism. If this happens again, I’ll feel free to drop straight up racial slurs. So, I’m hoping that works out.”

Others find dialogue more difficult in the wake of this incident. “Well, this is terrible. It’s hard to see a group of young people attack another young person. But let’s not make this a racial issue. I don’t see color at all, so who is to say what race anyone involved in this was? I think you’d have to be a racist to see the clear facts, right?” asked Memphian Jenny Flex. “For all we know there were a dozen kids off screen of a different race — whatever that race may be — from the kids we saw in the video. Right? Right? Besides, that poor young man who got attacked may have been targeted because of any reason in the world. There’s no way to know if race was a factor. Right? Please tell me I’m right.”

Where most people do agree is in criticizing the Kroger employee who took the video of the incident and put it online. “This young woman who took this video should be ashamed,” said Memphian Matt Hatter, as he watched the video for the 24th time. “It’s just a shame.”

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to the Fly on the Wall Blog and is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Anti-Hipsters Meet In Bartlett

Posted By on Thu, Sep 4, 2014 at 2:59 PM

Americas card game: Uno
  • America's card game: Uno
Members of a growing group of so-called “anti-hipsters” met this week for their first convention in Bartlett.

“We considered Cooper-Young, but really like the vibe of the 'burbs,” Anti-Hipster Association (AHA) president Cheryl Barnes said. “They’ve got lots of great chain restaurants here that we can enjoy unironically.”

Members of AHA strive to be “annoying like conventional hipsters, only in the complete opposite way,” Barnes said, as she switched her Pandora station to a Green Day station. “I love these guys. American Idiot is really great.”

AHA members take part in various activities and panels at their convention. Hank Sinke spoke at the panel titled “All The Great Stuff On Television”.

“We were talking about the Game of Thrones series when someone asked me if I’d read the books. Well, I told him in no uncertain terms that I don’t have any books in my house. That put him in his place,” Sinke said.

Convention goers also met for a late night “Games and Beers” session, during which they played some UNO.

“These late night sessions are great, but tiring,” said AHA member Raymond Garza. “I always feel like I ought to shave before going to bed just to avoid having too much facial hair.”

The AHA convention continues today with panels including “Traditional Media Is Ok By Me!”, “Artisan:Shmartisan”, and “Bicycles: Who Needs Them When Our Cars Work Just Fine? (Answer: No One).”

“I’m not sure if this is a growing movement that represents a shift in social paradigms, or if it’s just a bunch of dopes,” said Dr. Evelyn Norman, University of Tennessee Sociology Professor. “But it seems like it’s just a bunch of dopes.”

Joey Hack is a member of the Wiseguys improv troupe, and is a regular contributor to the Fly On The Wall Blog.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Different but Equal Beale Street Planned for Frayser

Posted By on Wed, Sep 3, 2014 at 5:07 PM

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Citing increased tensions and outrage over a potential cover charge for the privilege of entering Beale Street, the Beale Street Development Corporation of Frayser (BSDCOF), an offshoot of the existing Beale Street Development Corporation, announced today that they plan to unveil a new Beale Street “close to Downtown Memphis” which will be free of charge to enter at all times. The new Beale is currently being described as separate from but just as nice as "the real Beale.”

“We are so excited for this new direction we are taking with our properties,” said BSDCOF spokesperson Harrison Gunderson. “Once we get our perfectly fine second location up and running, we have some dramatic renovations planned for Old Beale as well. We hope to make it a living history museum by restoring the buildings and general demeanor to standards of the Old South.”

“We’ll even get to use some real historical memorabilia that my family’s had hidden in the basement for reasons I don’t need to get into,” Gunderson added, proudly holding a sign partially obscured by ash and dirt that read “W TES LY”.

Prospective Old Beale Street patrons will be randomly stopped and frisked by officers based on a proprietary formula, and subsequently undergo a credit check before entering the property. Those deemed unworthy or unable to afford Old Beale Street will be bused to the "new downtown location" for more suitable frivolity.

Asked whether New Beale would maintain the same police presence afforded to Old Beale, the BSDCOF team stared incredulously at reporters, before leaving the podium without comment.

New Beale is located in Frayser, just around the corner from Captain D's.

In related news, never mind.

Robert Callahan is an expatriate Wise Guy living in Chicago, and a frequent Fly on the Wall contributor.

Friday, August 15, 2014

City Considering Swag-Based Incentive Model

Posted By on Fri, Aug 15, 2014 at 7:16 AM

Wingstop Rick!
  • Wingstop Rick!

Rick Ross was in town this week to open his 25th WIngstop restaurant, and his 5th in Memphis. Mayor Wharton, eager to encourage economic opportunity, was on hand to greet Ross and present him with a "key to the city." Fly on the Wall has since obtained a list of additional fringe benefits the City of Memphis is willing to offer "job creators" in order to stimulate growth.

As we already know, 5 Wingstops = Key to the City. But that's only the beginning.

Also available on ebay
  • Also available on ebay


10 BBQ joints = Mayor for the Day

The Mayor doing Mayor stuff
  • The Mayor doing Mayor stuff

3 Payday Loan Stores = 1 night stay in the Jungle Room at Graceland (sleeping bags not included)

5 Family Dollars = city council position


3 pawn shops = 2.5 Wingstops

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5 wig shops = 1 free wig shop

3 gun shops = Naming rights to a Mud Island monorail.

Rent one floor in One Commerce Square, get one free deed to One Commerce Square.

5 convenience stores = a 24 hour commission as a riverboat captain (captain's hat not included)

Snazzy
  • Snazzy

1 Bring a major film production crew to Memphis, get use of the Pyramid as personal tomb.

3 coffee shops = Lunch with the County Commissioner of you choice. At one of your coffee shops. On you. Hippie.

4 liquor stores = Shea Flinn will play Risk with you in City Council chambers.

Classic Risk only, no Transformers!
  • Classic Risk only, no Transformers!

Reopen Celebration Station— AC Wharton will hold a press conference to passionately kiss you.

3 pancake restaurants = a ballad about you sung by Amy LaVere

5 title loan stores: You are surgically attached to Janis Fullilove.

Opening a facility that employs more than 209 people means you may assert primae noctis rights throughout Shelby County for one year.

Open a Farm to table local green fork restaurant = Taylor Berger personally takes care of any "issues" you may have.

Avoid indictment for one year while a city official and get a free Jerry's Sno Cone (Supreme not included).


Open 3 Low Credit No Credit style car dealerships = Automatically become Superintendent of the Unified School District.

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Fly on the Wall is compiled by Chris Davis with funniness provided by The Wiseguys.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Elvis Trivia Nobody Has Ever Heard Before

Posted By on Tue, Aug 12, 2014 at 12:52 PM

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In honor of Elvis Week the Fly on the Wall staff has assembled a list of 73 heavily researched trivia items that have never been printed anywhere else. Enjoy.

1. Elvis' favorite small appliance manufacturer was Sunbeam. It is rumored "Burning Love" was originally written as a jingle for the toaster manufacturer.


2. Elvis hated the comic strip Alley Oop, and would draw a fake mustache on the title character out of spite each week.

3. Elvis was considered for the lead role in The Godfather.

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4. Elvis loved funny hats.

5. Elvis' favorite flavor of Laffy Taffy was banana.

6. The name Elvis contains five letters including two vowels.

7. Elvis's favorite band was Winger.


Elvis first encountered 80's band Winger in a meditative vision of the future.

8. Elvis' middle name is commonly misspelled. It is actually "Aronn"

9. Elvis wrote To Kill A Mockingbird under the pseudonym of Harper Lee.

Elvis first and only novel.
  • Elvis' first and only novel.

10. Elvis was an honorary member of the National Sociey of Quail Enthusiasts.

11. Elvis' favorite Mexican food? Tacos.

12. Designers presented Elvis with more than 170 shades of white and off white before manufacturing the first iconic jumpsuit.

13. Elvis gave all of his close friends unusual nicknames. He affectionately referred to Col. Tom Parker as “Turd Blossom.”

14. Elvis often wore a disguise consisting of a top hat, monocle, and false mustache to go out in public as Lord Jiggleton. He would greet people by simply shouting "Blimey!" at them in a loud, fake British accent.

15. Elvis often engaged in jelly bean eating contests with Red West. Red always let him win.

16. Elvis' favorite sexual position was abstinence. His second favorite: missionary. His third favorite: The bearded bugler.

17. Elvis and George Klein would often do puppet shows for Dutch children, which delighted the youth to no end!

18. The hit song "Return to Sender" was inspired by the true story of a man who mailed a letter only to have it returned.

New Zealand
  • New Zealand

19. Elvis was the first person to have contact with New Zealanders.

20. Elvis preferred black shoelaces.

21. Elvis called Vegas "Las Nashville."

22. Elvis owned a hound dog named Butta. It was surprisingly quiet.

23. Elvis had a giraffe named Becky that he kept in his jungle room.

24. Elvis’ favorite female vocalist was Roy Orbison.

25. Elvis regarded the Jungle Room as a vast improvement over the original Tundra Room.

26. Elvis’ favorite Halloween costume: Julia Child.

Halloween, 1976
  • Halloween, 1976

27. After discovering he was too tall to be an astronaut Elvis started his own space program.

28. The most rare Elvis recording is of his live "The King's Klezemer Kavalcade" recorded in 1971 in the Catskills.

29. Elvis once used his karate skills to defeat an entire ax gang.

30. For Elvis, no day was complete without prank calling Robert Goulet. Elvis pretended to be a DJ calling from a local radio station. He told Goulet he was giving away a fabulous prize and the first lucky listener to drop by the station would collect. As a result, employees at KXPT Las Vegas thought Goulet was “nutty as a sack of pecans.”

31. Given a choice, Elvis preferred several tiny marshmallows to one large one in a mug of hot chocolate.

32. Elvis beat Chuck Norris so badly in a karate fight.

33. Elvis hated the word smudge. He would punch anybody who said it.

34. Elvis loved a good knock knock joke.

35. Elvis' favorite American inventor: George Washington Carver

36. When asked about Ann Margaret, Elvis would often smile and say "Yeah, she is pretty!"

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37. Elvis invented the roomba.

38. When in Vegas, Elvis would often call Sammy Davis, Jr. and demand he bring him a Clark Bar. When Sammy refused, Elvis would yell "Well, you don't seem like much of a candy man to me!"

39. Elvis was pretty adamant in his position that Submariner was superior to Aquaman.

40. Whenever Elvis played Monopoly, he insisted on being the thimble, and he refused to utilize that house rule where you put fees in Free Parking and then whoever lands there gets them. "That's just too much, luck, Jack!"


41. If you play In the Ghetto Backwards you can hear somebody saying what sounds like, "Ottehg eht ni."


42. During Gandhi's hunger strike, Elvis would call daily to offer him a peanut butter banana and bacon sandwich. He genuinely wanted to be helpful.

43. Elvis gave away more El Caminos than Cadillacs

El Camino: Comfort of a car, convenience of a truck
  • El Camino: Comfort of a car, convenience of a truck

44. Elvis's unfinished last movie "King-Fu" was described as "Blue Hawaii" meets "Enter the Dragon".

45. Elvis had the bomb even before the British.

46. Richard Nixon made Elvis an honorary commissioner of the Federal Reserve, complete with voting rights.

47. Elvis made most of his money as a striker for Manchester United.

48. In addition to his love of gospel, Elvis also studied Qawwali,the devotional music of Sufis, which is credited with helping him maintain his voice.

49. Elvis’s Memphis Mafia accidentally invented Frisbee Golf while doing dishes one day.

50. While serving in the army Elvis met and befriended a young Andre the Giant. The 1959 single “Big Hunk of Love” was inspired by their friendship.

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51. Elvis was allergic to his own hair color, which is why he dyed it black.

52. Elvis once got into a Scimitar duel with the Sultan of Brunei.

53. In order to save on maintenance costs, Elvis and Charlie Hodge became certified TV Repairmen.

54. Elvis had a private subway that ran from Graceland to the basement of Godfather's in Overton Square

55. Elvis had a beloved pet Vietnamese Potbelly Pig, he called Pig E

56. Elvis was once offered the role of the zeppelin pilot in a film called "HindenBoogie"

57. Elvis once threw an urn at Slim Whitman's head.

58. While in the army, Elvis was used as a subject in the MK-Ultra experiments.

59. Elvis would often rent out the Memphian theater to enjoy private showings of the films of Ingmar Bergman.

60. Elvis used to rent out Libertyland for parties, and would amuse guests by playing "Whack-A-George-Klein"

61. Vernon Presley's favorite meal was Cream of Spaghettios.

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62. Gladys Presley's favorite meal was regular Spaghettios.

63. Elvis Presley bought Graceland because he thought it was cool that it was on a street that had his name on it.

64. Elvis sometimes felt that cucumbers were spying on him.

65. When he was not performing, Elvis would often wear a beard of bees for days at a time.

66. Elvis only discovered his musical powers after he watched a robber shoot his wealthy parents in an alleyway.

67. Elvis would often leave pies cooling on a window sill only to have them stolen by lovable neighborhood scamps.

68. Portrayed Avery Schreiber in three episodes of Chico and the Man.

Elvis with Jack Albertson and Freddy Prinze
  • Elvis with Jack Albertson and Freddy Prinze

69. Elvis once fought alongside the armies of man and dwarf to put down the Dark Lord Sauron and save Middle Earth.

70. Elvis created a chain of yogurt shops called "Taking Care of Business Yogurt". This was later shortened to YOLO.

71. Elvis' final thoughts were of Rosebud, a sled he had as a child which symbolized lost innocence, youth and the love of his mother. We think. It's up to interpretation.

72. Priscilla was replaced by a wax figure in 1972.

73. Elvis played bass for a few months in KISS in 1976. His face makeup theme was "The Catfish"

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Fly on the Wall is compiled by Chris Davis with funniness provided by The Wiseguys.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Local Man Seeks PILOT for 12-Pack

Posted By on Tue, Aug 5, 2014 at 4:47 PM

Ted Flanagan says he would be equally happy with two 6-packs
  • Ted Flanagan says he would be equally happy with two 6-packs
Memphis transplant Ted Flanagan, originally of Clinton, Iowa, has officially announced that he’s poised to significantly increase the amount of beer in his refrigerator. He may even acquire an additional Igloo cooler, pending a favorable response to his application for PILOT incentives.

Prior to leaving for the corner convenience store Flanagan stopped by an ATM to get cash for lottery scratch cards and, while doing, he also applied for Memphis’ Payment In Lieu of Taxes (PILOT) program. According to his application Flanagan was at least buying a twelve pack and potentially as much as a case of cheap domestic beer. “Look,” he said, “I’m a big fan of Memphis. And given the chance, I’d like to make this next beer purchase in Memphis too. But the fact is, I’m already considering a trip to Walmart in West Memphis, which is just like Memphis but further west. And if this doesn’t work out I can always buy and possibly even drink the beer while I’m in Arkansas.”

Business leader Eddie Joe of EJ’s Kwikie Shoppe in Marion, AR, met Flanagan while the two men were waiting to use a RedBox outside of the Union Ave. Walgreens. He has since used social media to encourage his new friend to bring both his money and his astonishing thirst over the bridge to play.

“Ted’s a badass dude,” Joe says. “And I told him I’d totally hook him up with a killer price on some imports.”

Flanagan has a long history of successfully purchasing beers and other adult beverages in Memphis. He had even purchased a craft beer Growler from the Madison Ave. Cash Saver earlier in the day but quickly realized it wasn’t enough. “I’m ready to move on this right now,” he says. “I’m just hoping the city recognizes the value of what I'm trying to do here, and what I'm likely to do if I get really tanked and start throwing my cash around. And I hope they can see fit to meet me halfway.”

Do-It-Downtown President Chelsea Lamar believes that, while PILOTs for beer are unprecedented, Memphians should keep an open mind. “I think this is a really exciting moment for the urban core,” Lamar says. “We’ve lost a lot of alcohol sales to surrounding counties, but now we have a chance to reverse the momentum. We already know that every twelve pack Flanagan buys typically creates three to five new drinking opportunities. If he winds up needing that extra cooler, I think we’re gonna have a real party tonight.”

Although it’s still too early to tell whether or not Flanagan’s beer party will attract the kind of strippers that attract sketchy guys who are free with their cocaine, there are several reasons to be optimistic.

“Hey, I’ve got a bunch of Pancho’s cheese dip in the fridge,” Flanagan says. “And that’s coming out no matter what.”

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