Satan Watch

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

WMC Putting Hair Extensions Under the Microscope —- Science, Y'all!!!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!!!

Posted By on Tue, May 17, 2016 at 2:56 PM

I hope they find tiny microscopic demons. 

But seriously, look. 

You know what else is unbeWEAVEable? Spell check.
  • You know what else is unbeWEAVEable? Spell check.
Guess we'll have to wait until tonight to find out if they've discovered ectoplasm. So far WMC has only posted a teaser video of this woman in a lab coat explaining how, "Hair has different thicknesses you can see with the "nekkid eye." 

And something about "Fish Eyes." Ew.
"Nekkid Eye." It's a solid band name if you're looking.
  • "Nekkid Eye." It's a solid band name if you're looking.
Looks like this one's going to be a two-parter with installments at 5 and 10. 

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Thursday, March 3, 2016

WMC's "Demonic Weave" Story Believed to be Root of Ignorance in Memphis

Posted By on Thu, Mar 3, 2016 at 1:36 PM

A bad omen came on top of her head.
  • A bad omen came on top of her head.

According to WMC Action News 5, thieves have murdered four people while attempting to steal hair weaves, "and now many Memphians say demonic spirits could be to blame." That's right folks, WMC has scooped the rest of Memphis media on this important story about vanity, greed, consumer hair products, and secret doorways to realms infernal, where ancient evil lurks, waiting to swoop down and snatch a wig right off your damn head.  

"Whose-ever hair I was wearing on my head, that heifer had a bad omen"

Even anchors Joe Birch and Kontji Anthony, who've introduced so many ridiculous segments by now you'd think they'd be used to it, looked to be passing kidney stones as they tossed the story to WMC's Senior Satanic Hair Correspondent Jerica Phillips, who, in turn, implored viewers to perform a Google search for "cursed hair."

"The prophesies are plenty," she said before sharing a YouTube video of an unidentified woman claiming, "Whose-ever hair I was wearing on my head, that heifer had a bad omen and that bad omen followed her from India and came on top of my head, and I took on her spirit." 

An image from WMC's report shows the terrifying face of hair that's cursed as hell.
  • An image from WMC's report shows the terrifying face of hair that's cursed as hell.

One woman Phillips quoted asked, "Do you know the history of the hair's original owner? What type of spirit did that person have? You may be buying a person's hair and their demonic spirit." Another suggested that people are doing "ungodly things" because, "many of the [hair] purchases are made in other countries that worship false gods."

"It may sound bizarre," Phillips said with the serious tone of a veteran broadcaster, "but some people believe virgin hair from India may be possessed during a ritual called tonsuring, the cutting of hair for religious reasons, or sacrifices to idol Gods."

Memphians Phillips interviewed, like  Dr. Bill Adkins, the pastor at Greater Imani Cathedral of Faith, were skeptical, though the material was consistently framed as a subject for legitimate debate.

At least Phillips reached a conclusion upon which we can all agree: "Whatever the root cause of a beauty trend turned crime trend, we can all agree the war spawned by weave must stop."

Truth.
Demonic weaves believed to be root of hair crimes

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Wednesday, January 14, 2015

A Closer Look at the Satanic School Bus Photo

Posted By on Wed, Jan 14, 2015 at 3:03 PM

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's time to call the Ghostbusters

Hell on Wheels
  • Hell on Wheels

If you haven't seen WMC's amazingly dumb report about Satanic school bus brake lights, do yourself a favor. For my money the best part is when anchorman Joe Birch reminds us that, "the Devil's in the details." 

Indeed he is Joe. Indeed he is. 
 

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Gas Prices are Beastly

Posted By on Sun, Jun 30, 2013 at 10:48 AM

666.9, Regular Unleaded
  • 666.9, Regular Unleaded

It's not an especially well kept secret that Lucifer, the bright, shining angel of the pit, is responsible for rigging gas prices. This Madison Ave. sign pretty much comes out and says so.

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