Yep. In our brave new world of Orwellian doublespeak, where war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength, and right wing fantasy is news, Republicans have come back from the dead. You’ve gotta hand it to them, when it comes to winning over Low Information Nation, the GOP nails it every time.
So now we’ve got John Boehner, the new Weeper of the House, a Drama Queen so good at crying on cue he makes Susan Lucci envious.
However, Psycho IV: The Tea Party’s Triumph was only the prequel to a big Coming Attraction. Prepare yourselves for the Tea-publican Fantastic Feature of 2011—- Witch Hunt II: Mission from God. It will be opening in January on swearing-in day.
Although we’ve seen this movie before, this new one will be BOFFO, because Americans never tire of watching a horror flick. This one promises to be a sequel to a 1998 production—Witch Hunt: Mission to Destroy—-when the last Democratic president was investigated by a cast of fanatics determined to dig and panty-sniff their way to finding just what they needed to run him out of DC on a rail.
We watched while characters like Dan Burton got the enterprise cranked up by spending millions investigating the suicide death of deputy White House counsel Vince Foster. After that, the real action began when the last Republican Diva of the House, Newt Gingrich, along with Metrosexual Special Prosecutor Ken Starr and their merry band of House ‘managers,’ proceeded to blow through countless budgets producing box office smashes like Whitewater, Travel-gate, and the infamous Paula Jones Trooper-gate.
When the total excavation of Bill Clinton’s personal life was completed they finally — finally! —hit the Mother Lode! An intern, a blue dress, and some oral sex—lights, cameras, action! At long last, like Tapioca pudding, the plot had thickened and it was time to get to the climax (no pun intended): Impeach Bill Clinton and remove him from office!
So now, the Midterms have graced us with new stars. The role of ingénue has fallen to Oversight Committee chair Darryl “the Slice-A” Issa (R-CA), who has already been all over the airwaves promising to conduct seven investigative hearings a week for his first 40 weeks. On the day after the election, Issa held a press conference alleging illegal conduct by this administration: to wit, that President Obama received $700 billion in “walking around money” from the stimulus funds.
That same day, Issa apologized for his former claims of asserting that President Obama was the “most corrupt president to ever hold office” and that “now is time for some political payback”.
Representative Issa has got all the Bad Boy creds it takes to be a superstar in Tea-publican show biz. In 1980, the congressman and his brother were prosecuted in California for allegedly faking the theft of Issa’s cherry red Mercedes 240 sedan and selling it to a car dealer for $16,000. After a judge ordered them to stand trial on felony charges, they both pleaded not guilty.
A few months later, a prosecutor dismissed the case and the charges were dropped, although the judge who ordered the trial said he strongly suspected the two men committed the crime. Issa was also the driving force behind the effort to recall California governor Gray Davis and to install The Govenator, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
As usual, job creation, deficit reduction, or helping the President fix the nation’s daunting problems won’t be the focus of the new Tea-publican zealots. Oh no; the new spectacle in Washington will take us back to the future of twelve years ago and push us even farther down the economic rathole.
Millions will be blown on subpoenas, special prosecutors, investigations, and indictments, and ultimately, on the completed work of their Trilogy: Last Epic: The Impeachment of Barrack Obama.
Tune in, unless you’ve already sold your plasma and recliner on Craigslist to pay for a Thanksgiving turkey and your Christmas layaway at Wal-Mart.