Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Memphis Needs Mr. Methane!

Posted By on Tue, Mar 20, 2007 at 4:00 AM

It's been reported that Memphis Light, Gas and Water’s Allen Power Plant generates electricity by supplementing its normal fuel source — coal — with methane gas from the city’s wastewater treatment facility.

If methane gas is indeed a good source of energy, then we are missing out on a huge, untapped supply in Memphis. Namely, all the men, women, children, cows, horses, pigs, and other living creatures that populate this region. The topic of methane gas production — a normal byproduct of digestion — is not usually discussed at scientific conferences or Sunday dinners with the parson, since it is normally known by another term entirely: flatulence.

But considering the high cost of our utility bills lately, we say now is not the time to be squeamish about such matters. And if methane can help lower our bills, and considering our city’s penchant for bringing in consultants to help us with just about anything and everything, the Flyer strongly recommends that we lure out of retirement a uniquely qualified individual who goes by the name of Mr. Methane.

We needn’t go into this gentleman’s qualifications here, except to note that anyone whose résumé includes such terms as “performance flatulist,” “trouser trumpeting,” “colonic comedy,” and — our favorite — “controlled anal voicing” can surely help us increase our own city’s methane supply. After all, he’s made a good living by taking advantage of his own, often-prodigious methane production. Surely he can help us with ours.

For more about the amazing Mr. Methane (and a good source of CD and other fart-related gifts), visit www.MrMethane.com.

If anything else, the MLGW board meetings should definitely be more entertaining.

— Michael Finger

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