Sunday, May 22, 2011

Jack Doubles Down

Posted By on Sun, May 22, 2011 at 9:05 AM

Dear Jack,

I married somewhat late in life and now am the father of two beautiful young children. My problem is that everywhere I go, people think my kids are my grandchildren. How do I answer people who ask me, “Are these your grandkids?” I don’t think I look that old.

— Not That Old

Dear AARP Member,

I had a beautiful old aunt whose eye doctor recommended she have cataract surgery. Although she thought she could see perfectly well, she finally acquiesced. After the surgery, she came home and looked at herself in the mirror. “Oh my God!” she cried in horror. “And here I thought I’d been aging gracefully.”

Your answer to those people should be, “They’re my kids.” Believe me, they will feel horrible for asking, and revenge is sweet. You can’t be young forever. Don’t mourn the passing of years, and for God’s sake don’t get some horrible dye job or, worse, plastic surgery. Embrace life and move on.

You might also want to have your eyes checked. A touch of color wouldn’t hurt, either.

Dear Jack,

There is a person from high school that I haven’t seen in about five years. I thought I had gotten rid of him. In tenth grade, we were the best of friends, then he started dating this girl and I hardly saw him for about eight months. At first I was mad, but then I started hanging out with other people and realized that he was actually kind of an emotional parasite.

Then I met a girl and we started dating. My old "friend" broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to hang out with me again, but I had a whole new set of friends who didn’t like him, and I didn’t really like him very much either. When he was dating that girl, he had no time for me, but when I was seeing someone, he expected me to make time for him, or worse, let him come with us on our dates.

After graduation we grew even further apart. It’s been five years now, and I thought I was rid of him. Then he sent me a Facebook request. What should I do?

—Moved On

Dear MO, Ignore it. Or reject it. You don’t want him in your life now? Don’t open the door. Maybe you will hurt his feelings, but at this point, who cares?

Got a problem? Jack Waggon will set you straight: jack.wagg@gmail.com

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