by PAUL GERALD
Las Vegas is either a disgustingly compelling place or a compellingly disgusting one. Either way, I wish I could get enough of it. It seems to me that Vegas must be dealt with to understand America, because if you accept the fact that America is, without real competition, the loudest, tackiest, most obnoxious, and yet most entertaining country on this planet, then you can only reach the conclusion that Las Vegas is its cultural capital.
It calls itself the "Entertainment Capital of the World" because it attracts 30 million visitors a year, but what they donāt say is that none of those people leave with their sanity intact. Vegas is, in fact, the Capital of Freakiness.
Everybody knows what Vegas was originally about ÷ gambling, free drinks, gaudy shows, Mike Tyson and Don King, bordellos outside of town ÷ but what you might not know is that Las Vegas, in order to attract folks like you who can lose your money a half-hour from home, has cranked itself up into a severe trip-out.
You probably donāt know, for example, that Las Vegas has:
the 135-story Stratosphere Resort, with a rollercoaster 909 feet up that goes around the tower, and a bungee-cord ride on top that throws you sideways, over the edge, and then snaps you back.
A mall behind Caesarās Palace ÷ with Victoriaās Secret, Ann Taylor, Cartier, Gucci, Estee Lauder, Christian Dior, Disney, Warner Brothers, etc. ÷ thatās done up in Roman Forum style and has a "sky" that goes from day to night in one-hour cycles. Thereās also a fountain full of Roman-god statues that come to life every hour and put on a show.
a Liberace Museum, which I canāt report on because I didnāt have the courage to enter it. a ship-to-ship battle every 90 minutes in a casinoās moat right on the Strip. The American ship sinks the British one, and the British captain goes down with his ship then comes back up with it, still standing on the deck, and takes his bow.
the SkyScreamer, a part sky-diving, part hang-gliding attraction.
a restaurant called Drink that has six bars where you can get your booze in everything from mason jars to baby bottles and buckets.
a casino being built in the shape of the New York skyline. It, too, will have a rollercoaster going around it, featuring a 144-foot drop at about 70 mph into a vertical loop, ending with a 540-degree spiral.
a booming scene, probably the nationās largest, in virtual-reality games, like a fighter-pilot simulator that turns all the way over, several motion-simulator movies, and others where you put on the standard VR helmet and wander around shooting large killer crustaceans.
All in all, Las Vegas is no place to do serious drugs of any sort. Reality and hallucinations would be tough to tell apart, which could get real dangerous in a town where money is everything.
There are, by the way, other things to do in the area besides raising hell, getting freaked out, and parting from your money. Day trips are plentiful to the Grand Canyon, Hoover Dam and Lake Mead, and even the "Extraterrestrial Highway," a 98-mile driving tour around the U.S. militaryās top-secret Area 51, where they tested the SR-71 and Stealth Fighter and which is rumored, in some circles, to be where they rebuild and test crashed alien spacecraft.
Thereās also the whole resort aspect ÷ lakes and golf and tennis and whatnot ÷ with 350 sunny days a year, and even snowskiing an hour away, although the hill and the snow are hardly worth the trip.
One of the best ways to get away from the chaos of the city, and also to preserve your grip on reality, is to go hiking or biking or horseback riding in the exquisite desert-and-mountain surroundings. Out there, itās all sky and quiet, and unless youāve been in the desert on a clear, cold night, you canāt imagine how many stars there are.
In Red Rocks State Park, a half-hour from town, thereās a narrow little canyon, one side of which is a thousand-foot-tall heap of red rocks. They range in size from basketball to small office building, and theyāre all covered with extremely trippy wave-patterns, apparently left by some prehistoric river. They also lack sharp edges and seem to grab the soles your shoes, so theyāre easy and safe and a big pile of fun to climb around on. You can act like a serious rock-climber or just hang out in little nooks and caves and dig the view of the valley spread out below you.
But as you drive back into the eternally lit-up Big City, a trip that seems like a descent into hell, the desert peace is shattered by radio noise: "Fabulous hotel and casino!" "Hottest show in town!" "Where all the stars shine brightest!" "The one place to go for everything you need!"
Thatās what itās all about in Vegas: "You can have anything you want!" It riles you up with glamour and glitz and a chance for big money, but its whole purpose is to get your money. Still, whoās to say thatās a bad thing? You do get some fun in the deal, and letās face it, staying up all night partying isnāt exactly contrary to the American Dream.
Everybody should go to Las Vegas once. Itās like a pilgrimage to the dark, weird soul of America. If you find yourself going very often, however, you probably should talk to someone about it.
The best way to get information about a Las Vegas trip is on the Internet. Their "Visitors Information Number" (800-882-3157) is just a set of instructions on how to order a $9.95 booklet. On the Net, check out any of these (with the usual http://www. intro): travelnevada.com, greatbasin.com, vegas.com, lvindex.com, lvol.com.
Question or comments? E-mail Paul Gerald at paulgerald@aol.com.