by Tim Sampson

Ah, here it is, the week of Valentine's Day. A holiday for love and romance and relationships that -- aptly -- shares the same name with a famous massacre. I've been hearing all sorts of things on the radio about VD, from contests involving weird weddings to advice about special things to do for your significant other for the momentous occasion. Like writing "I Love You" on the bathroom mirror with soap and leaving little love notes hidden be tween the plates in the cupboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah; that's all well and good, but that's really been done to death. And those things seem applicable only to young, new lovers, those who haven't seen the best and worst in their partners over a number of years -- and who have the energy for that kind of thing. For those jaded couples out there, who are happy just to not fight on this blessed day, here are a few suggestions for things to do for your sweetie on VD. For men: Don't make your wife open her own beer; bite off the top, spit across the room, and yell, "I Luuuuv You, Honey!" Don't leave your dirty underwear on the bathroom floor; pick it up and give it to her to wash. With her in the room, call the correct-time number, act like you're talking to her mother, and shower your mother-in-law with compliments, all the while listening to the Shoney's South message. Tell her she's lucky she can wear cheap clothes and that you never, ever get tired of seeing her in that halter top. Offer to cook a romantic dinner for her, and do not burn the Tater Tots. Take her bowling and let her win; after all, she did go to the trouble of braiding the hair under her armpits at the wedding so your bowling-team guests could tell her from you. Promise to give up Skoal for that one night, then get you a big chaw after she's gone to bed. Finally, stay away from establishments a friend of mine calls "titty city." For the women: Get some little heart-shaped cookie cutters and present the man in your life with little Spam hearts. At dinner, give him a choice between Bud and Bud Lite. Leave those little notes around the house, saying things like: "Darlin', you ain't nearly as fat as you used to be." "Hun, it ain't the size but what you do with it," referring to, of course, his new truck. "Babe, let's celebrate our first date by going out and buying all new roach motels. Won't that bring back memories?" "I thought I'd have gotten over it a long time ago, but every time you bend over and I see the top of your crack, I still feel like you're the only man I'll ever love." Okay, so this is getting vile and sick. So I'll dispense with the nonsense and get on with what's going on around town tonight. But first, let me just say to all the couples out there, Happy VD! Tonight, A Perfect Ganesh opens at Theatre Memphis' Little Theatre, a comedy about two women from Connecticut traveling through India. While over at Rhodes, Our Country's Good opens. At the Memphis College of Art there's an opening reception for an exhibit of works by Dusti Bonge. At Six-1-Six tonight, there's a live concert by 24-7 SPYZ. And at the Cinema Showcase tonight, there's the Memphis premiere of the much-ballyhooed film Shine, the true story of an Australian pianist who spent 12 years in a state-run mental institution; all proceeds benefit the Memphis chapter of American Disabled Attendant Programs Today, a grassroots organization of people with disabilities who work to end the bias of institutionalization as a way to deal with disability. Be there.

Friday, February 14

It looks like most of the VD stuff was held off for tonight, but first, here's the Friday-night art openings: A show of works by well-known Mississippi Gulf Coast artist Walter Anderson opens at Albers Fine Art Gallery, while back in Midtown, Jill Brogdon's "From Los Angeles to Memphis" opens at Cooper Street Gallery. There's one other theatre opening tonight as well: At Sleeping Cat Studio, you can see the premiere of three short Jim Esposito plays -- Powerful One-Eye, Big Frog Neck, and Tell Me You Love Me. As for VD, there are two Memphis Queen Line Riverboat Cruises; the first one (7-9 p.m.) is the Valentine's Sweetheart Dinner Cruise, followed by (8-11 p.m.) the Froggy 94 Valentine's Cruise. There's the annual St. Valentine's Day Concert & Dinner at The Brooks, with two dinner seatings at the Brushmark and live big-band music by Swing Time. If you haven't been downtown to the old Bon-Ton Cafe in a while, well, they've started cranking up with live music on Friday nights, and tonight there's a special New Bridge Ensemble Valentine's Day Ball fund-raiser for the theatre troupe, with live music by Lorette Velvette, 68 Comeback, and the Clears. Should be fun. Finally, if you want to take the plunge today or just pretend to, there's Marriage-A-Rama at Java Cabana, where Reverend Tommy Foster will be performing real and just-for-fun weddings all day in the Viva Memphis Wedding Chapel, which has drawn young couples from all over the world. Talk about a place to people-watch.

Saturday, February 15

And it looks like there's plenty of live music tonight. To benefit the YWCA Abused Women's Services Program, there's the Random Acts of Kindness Concert at Marshall Arts, with live music by Reba Russell, Greta Cooper Young, Nanette Malher, and Jay Zabava. New Edition is playing the Mid-South Coliseum tonight. At the Center for Southern Folklore, there's an afternoon concert by blues guitarist David Evans, followed by an evening concert by Mose Vinson and L.T. Lewis with Joe Gaston and John Paul Reager. And the Beale Street Zydeco Music Festival will bring the rockin' music of Louisiana to almost every club on Beale. Earlier in the afternoon, if you want to meet Memphis' own Nobel Prize-winner, St. Jude's Dr. Peter Doherty will be at Davis-Kidd Booksellers today signing copies of the book From His Promise, a history of St. Jude.

Sunday, February 16

And there's yet more music. Niamh Parsons and the Loose Connections will perform Celtic music at Christian Brothers University. While back over at Six-1-Six, there's a show by The Lemonheads, with opening acts Matchbox 20 and Ben Lee. If you want to help out a very worthy cause tonight and see some interesting live entertainment, check out the King and Queen of Hearts Friends for Life Fund-raiser at WKRB, next door to the P&H.

Monday, February 17

Little Jimmy King at B.B. King's Blues Club.

Tuesday, February 18

Your guess is as good as mine.

Wednesday, February 19

Beer, beer, and more beer is what you'll find at tonight's Peabody Beer Dinner at Mallard's, with a tutorial by Kevin Piper, tastings of some 10 ales, and complimentary hors d'oeuvres. Or there's always the Kudzu's Pub Quiz. Or you could just sit around and do nothing. As always, I couldn't care less what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you get me a tape of something I saw on a special news report the other night -- a commentator saying that the O.J. civil-trial verdict was on its way in, and that the White House was well aware that this might interfere with the President of the United States' State of the Union address, but in the meantime, back to Wheel of Fortune -- then I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this dump and go think of a Valentine's Day present for my cat. Maybe I'll let her go one day without ridiculing her by wrapping a scarf around her head and making her pretend she's a peasant woman shopping for cabbage.