by Tim Sampson

Thursday, February 20

Just in case you weren't aware, Governor Don Sundquist (otherwise known as El Cheapo for not giving us that money for the riverfront development) has proclaimed March 2nd through 8th "Tennessee Severe Weather Week," and has sent out a little booklet full of all kinds of rules, suggestions, and information concerning severe weather. The booklet--which does not mention that when it sprinkles in Memphis, that's considered severe enough weather so that all drivers begin driving either 10 miles an hour or 100, depending on which grocery store they're on their way to clean out--starts off, naturally, with TORNADO SAFETY RULES. And, naturally, the first rule is ABANDON MOBILE HOMES. For this advice it has to be Severe Weather week? I think that should just be a simple rule of thumb for life in general, although I did make that visit to the trailer park not long ago and it really was kind of fun. But please be careful. The last time a tornado hit West Memphis it destroyed thousands of mobile homes, causing millions of dollars in improvements. The booklet also says that if you're in your car and are under threat of tornado, get out and go lie flat in a ditch with your arms and hands shielding your head. The last time I remember lying in a ditch it was in the pitch-dark and I was trying to tell someone I was 23. The booklet was kind enough to omit advice for Helen Keller, which I'll be tasteless enough to offer: Get out of your car, fall into a ditch, and scream your hands off! How low can one man sink? The booklet also offers plenty of information about thunderstorms, including a breakdown of what kinds of damage high wind can do. Such as, wind speed of 73-112 miles per hour "peels surface off roofs; windows broken; trailer homes overturned." Although the booklet does not go into this much detail, I think I should add that winds of this speed are also capable of blowing the hair off news anchor Joe Birch on billboards, but as for actually messing up his real hair, you have to get into the 113-plus wind speeds. (Just kidding, Joe. I'm just bitter that you have hair for wind to muss.) The booklet goes on to explain many other severe-weather topics--breaking down hail sizes into the categories of "pea, penny, quarter, half dollar, golf ball, tennis ball, baseball, and grapefruit"--and offers such gems of advice as, when there's a flood, get out of areas subject to flooding. Guess that means I better not be lying in the gutter as much. The booklet does not, however, tell you about dealing with the insurance adjuster after severe-weather damage. Why, just the other day I heard from a guy out of town whose house had been torn up by a tornado. When he went to the adjuster's office, the adjuster said, "Well, I've some really good news and some really bad news for you." When the guy replied that of course he wanted to hear the bad news first, the adjuster said, "Sorry, but none of the damage was covered by your policy and you're now basically with no home." "Geez," says the guy. "What on earth could possibly be the good news?" To which the adjuster replied, "Did you see that new receptionist out front? The really good-looking one? We're humping!" And so it goes, the juvenile ramblings of an idiot who will now stop all of this nonsense and get around to the many things going on around town this week. Tonight, for instance, is opening night for several different plays around town. At TheatreWorks, there's the opening of Fire, about a woman whose husband and child died in a fire. Opening at the University of Memphis is Refuge, an autobiographical drama by Terry Tempest Williams, who is guest artist-in-residence during the run of the play. And at Morgan Woods Theatre (formerly Germantown Children's Theatre) is I Remember Mama, a musical about an immigrant family. If none of that appeals to you, you could always go to Young Avenue Deli, shoot pool, and listen to live music by New Patrons of Husbandry.

Friday, February 21

And here's yet another theatre opening, this one at Collierville's Harrell Performing Arts Theatre for Bully, a biographical piece about Teddy Roosevelt. There's also one art opening tonight, at Rhodes College's Clough-Hanson Gallery for an exhibit of works by Alonzo Davis and Greely Myatt. If you like jazz, then go to The Dixon Gallery and Gardens tonight for a Cabaret Concert by the Emerson Able Jazz Quartet, where you can sip champagne while listening to music of Charlie Parker, Dizzy Gillespie, and Miles Davis. Or if you're into choral music, Fairest Isle: There Will Always Be an England is a concert of British music by the Memphis Vocal Arts Ensemble at Germantown Presbyterian Church. All of that sounds fine, but I must say tonight's best bet is to drive down to Tunica, eat at the newly reopened Hollywood restaurant, and then go to Sam's Town Casino for a concert by none other than the Isley Brothers.

Saturday, February 22

All right. What's up with this week? Another play opening? Yes. At Circuit Playhouse it's opening night of The Ant & the Grasshopper. There's also more live music. A Feast of Folk '97 at the University of Memphis Psychology Building features Celtic Crossing and dulcimer player Steve Mayfield. And at tonight's annual Memphis Heart Gala at The Peabody, a fund-raiser for the American Heart Association, there will be live music by Three Dog Night and Eddie Harrison & the Shortcuts, along with cocktails, dinner, and a silent auction. Just around the corner at The Orpheum, Ballet Memphis is performing Encore!, four of the most popular works from the company's 10-year history. And lest you think Barristers has forgotten you, they haven't; they are back in their old spot downtown, and tonight you can hear live music there by Olivia, Tremor, and Control. Earlier today, at the Regency Travel and International Store at Laurelwood, there's a free wine tasting with none other than Commercial Appeal columnist Fredric Koeppel (I almost called him simply "Fred" but then I remembered and slapped my head). There's also a Booksigning and Recipe-Tasting with Don Nix, who'll sign copies of his new book, Road Stories and Recipes, and have some of said recipes on hand for you to sample at Xanadu Bookstore.

Sunday, February 23

This must be theme week, because there's yet another booksigning. This one, however, includes live music. As part of the Center for Southern Folklore's new entertainment series, this afternoon's Booksigning and Gospel Singing features Alan Young signing copies of his new book, Woke Me Up This Morning, along with gospel music by the Shaw Singers and the Watson Family Singers. And just down the street at Willie Mitchell's Rhythm & Blues Club, their Sunday Soul Series offering today is a fund-raiser for the ICU at Le Bonheur, and features a soul-food dinner, silent auction, and live music by the horn band Reliance. Benefitting sickle-cell research at Le Bonheur is yet another concert tonight, this one featuring Ruby Wilson at Calvary Episcopal Church. There's also another theatre presentation; at TheatreWorks, Tellervisions presents Part I: Tales of Transformation, storytelling for adults by Judy Card and Kathy McGregor; includes music by Steve Lockwood and Mary Durham.

Monday, February 24

Margarita Monday at Molly's La Casita. I hear it's more interesting than ever.

Tuesday, February 25

In conjunction with Black History Month, A Memphis Retrospective: The African-American Legacy is hosting a series of speakers reflecting on the civil-rights movement. Tonight's speech and discussion, at The Church of the River, is by Maxine Smith. And far at the other end of town is the much-awaited Wolfchase Galleria's Grand Opening Gala, a benefit for the Memphis Junior League, which will include the opening of the mall, lots of catered food, and live music by the Temptations, Rufus Thomas, Ruby Wilson, Joyce Cobb, and the Memphis Horns.

Wednesday, February 26

Looks like it's the Kudzu's Pub Quiz or bust. In fact, you can bust if you want to. As always, I don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can find out for me if Toni Braxton is really coming to Memphis or not, then I'm sure I don't want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this trap and go lie in a ditch: "Oh, yes, it's really that big."