by Tim Sampson

Thursday, February 27

It happens about twice a year. They make me clean up my work area at the office. It's always called "Office Cleanup Day," and everyone is supposed to participate, but I'm convinced that this ritual is designed solely to make me, in particular, get rid of the wreckage that surrounds me and probably really is a danger to the rest of the staff. Cleanup day is usually pretty interesting, because I get so bombarded with "stuff" all the time and throw it to the side and forget about it, usually without even looking at it or reading it, depending on what it is. On this past cleanup day, for instance, I ran across a copy of a "zine" called Hot Snot Pot. Billed on the cover as "the zine for those who embrace the poop," this lovely little homemade treasure from Blue Bell, Pennsylvania, looks like a high-school student put it out, but still contains some clever articles, such as "Put Your Placid Penis Away," an essay about the uselessness of male strippers who aren't allowed to get an erection; "The time I Saw Joe's ball Which is True even if you have your doubts," an adolescent reminiscence about seeing something hanging out of a guy's baggy shorts; and what appears to be a PSA (public service announcement) that says, "Why Force your child to take a laxative? Because it's Fun!" There's plenty more, but most of it is too goofy to get into, such as the "Anna Nicole Smith Nipple Challenge." For some reason, I also get a lot of e-mail. I still don't know how to e-mail people, and I still contend that the one time someone e-mailed an article to me, I could have carved the thing on a concrete slab in the same amount of time it took me to figure out how to get it off the computer and decipher all the symbols that appeared between the words. I guess they come to me because the Flyer has an e-mail address, or a Web site, or whatever; I don't even know if there's a difference. I just wish John Waters would do a remake of Female Trouble called E-Mail Trouble, and have a 300-pound drag queen kill her parents by crushing them with a Christmas tree, not because they didn't get her the cha-cha heels she wanted, but because they tried to make her learn to e-mail people. At any rate, I got an e-mail message just the other day from a friend in New York, wanting me to get in touch with him. The e-mail address and instructions were roughly a half-page long, and there was no telephone number. Needless to say, I have no idea where he is. Sometimes, however, I enjoy getting e-mail. Like the other day, when someone e-mailed me a message he'd gotten off the Internet (I guess); it was one man's account of "My Favorite Enema," and included things about garden hoses and bleach. Scary. I also got one advertising the new Michael Jackson clock; you can tell what time it is when the big hand is on the little hand. Then I got one that was a mock Ebonics homework assignment, which involved taking certain words and using them in sentences. I'm sure this is being passed all over town already, but I'll still share a couple of them with you. Hotel -- I gave my girlfriend the crabs and the hotel everybody. Disappointment -- My parole officer told me if I missed disappointment they were gonna send me back to the big house. And my own personal favorite: Catacomb -- Don King was at the fight the other night and man, somebody ought to give that catacomb. And on that note, I guess I'll stop stealing other people's jokes and get around to what's going on around town this week. If you haven't had a chance to hear any of Calvary Episcopal Church's Lenten Noonday Preaching Series, today would be a good time; Rev. James Lawson Jr. is speaking. And tonight at the U of M, there's a lecture by Dr. Peter Doherty, St. Jude's Nobel Prize-winner (about whom you can read much more -- plug, plug -- in the March issue of Memphis magazine). If you're interested in buying art, you can learn how to buy it at auction at tonight's lecture at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens, The Ins and Outs of the Auction House. Or you could go down to Beale Street and either hear Michael Hedges in concert at the New Daisy, or go to the Black Diamond for Keith Sykes Songwriters Night. Or you could just go hang out and shoot pool at Young Avenue Deli.

Friday, February 28

Tonight's only art opening is at the Poplar-White Station Library, for an exhibit of works by Kay Hommedieu. After that, you could buzz around the corner to the Tap House on Brookhaven Circle, where they've got about 2 million different kinds of beer and a new cigar menu. And later, the Presidents of the United States of America are playing at Six-1-Six; Reba McIntyre and Brooks & Dunn are playing The Pyramid; the Roy Brewer Group are playing at the Center for Southern Folklore, followed by Big Lucky Carter & His Mighty Men of Sound; and Mash-O-Matic are playing at Young Avenue Deli, where you can just hang around and play pool. Tonight is also opening night of Opera Memphis' English-language version of Mozart's The Magic Flute at The Orpheum.

Saturday, March 1

Boy, today looks really dead. My suggestion: Get in the car and go to Oxford, Mississippi. There's an opening reception for painter Bill Turner and photographer William Greiner. After that you could go next door and have a great dinner at City Grocery. Or go upstairs and have drinks at City Grocery Bar. And then go over and hear whoever's playing at Proud Larry's. Believe me, you'll have fun. Unless you're a real loser anyway. If you are staying in town, the place to be tonight is Automatic Slim's, where there will be two shows by former Memphian and jazz great James Williams and his new band ICU; it's going to be a kind of jazz/gospel show, it should be great, and you'd better call ahead for reservations.

Sunday, March 2

And there are yet two more art openings today. One is at the Memphis Jewish Community Center's Shainberg Gallery, for "Color DeJour," and the other is at the office of Dr. John Spencer (863 S. Barksdale) for "Snoozin': Dreams, Notions, and Nightmares," paintings by Michael Warren. And in preparation for its production of The Diary of Anne Frank, Playhouse on the Square kicks is featuring a Holocaust Film Series; tonight's film is As If It Were Yesterday.

Monday, March 3

Preston Shannon at B.B. King's Blues Club. I finally heard him the other night down at the Black Diamond and he was too cool.

Tuesday, March 4

The modern-dance group Pilobolus, known for contortionism and humor, is performing tonight at the Germantown Performing Arts Centre. There's also Boxing on Beale at the New Daisy. And University of Memphis Jazz Week kicks off with a performance in Harris Auditorium by the adjunct faculty and graduate assistants.

Wednesday, March 5

Well, get out your lawn chairs and go camp out in front of Burke's Bookstore, because John Grisham is going to be there today signing copies of his new book, The Partner. The signing is limited, however, to 250 people who've bought the book in advance. Later, you could go to Young Avenue Deli and hang out and play pool. Or you could sit around and do nothing. As always, I don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can tell me why Elizabeth Taylor's birthday hasn't been declared a national holiday, I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this dump and go home and check my Web sites. They're right there where the ceiling meets the wall and they're starting to multiply.