by Dave Conover & Bill Raker
elcome friend,
to Slick Rotors! I'm Earl Slick, owner and operator of the best little used-video
lot this side of heaven, where our motto is "Nobody Walks Away."
What can I do you for, today? You say you don't have a lot to spend? Why,
I can put you in a like-new videocassette faster than newlyweds on a honeymoon
-- and at prices you can afford!
Take for example this 1975 Death Race 2000. At only $14.95 it may be Roger Corman's finest hour; director Paul Bartel's too. Heck, as far as I'm concerned it's Sly Stallone's best work and he's hardly in the danged thing! You see, David "I Never Ever Turn Down Work" Carradine, Mary Woronov, and the Italian Stallion are all contestants in this nationally televised Transcontinental Death Race where drivers score points by mowing down pedestrians! It's got interesting options like flame throwers and swastika pinstriping, and snappy writing like, "Go for the baby! The baby!!" Yessir, it's the ultimate couch-driving experience. No?
Oh, I see. Need something for a family on the go? Well here's a cherry 1977 Damnation Alley reduced to only $59.98. This little post-nuker took the customized van craze to a wicked extreme. Screw all those shag-carpeted, disco-balled love machines that your parents conceived you in, this baby packs dual .50-calibers and a roof-mounted rocket pod! Yessir, the old Landmaster was the ultimate sport-utility vehicle of its day. Pretty-boy Jan-Michael Vincent (himself a rusting '70s relic) and George Peppard (ditto, 1960s) used it to fight giant cockroaches and angry, unpaid extras in this awful piece of crap, but the "liquid sky" special effects made the tedium seem all the more redundant. It was, like, chevy dude.
For something more adult, I'd recommend this 1994 Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure (priced for rental). Four-wheeling meets foreplaying when a jeep-tour business, the only thing standing between a desert and a strip miner, hires its own nubile strippers -- who are definitely not minors -- to haul men into the sun for a little S&M (Sunburns and Mammaries). There's some astonishingly beautiful scenery and a pretty desert, too, but it's still one of the sleaziest environmental flicks since The Wilderness Family.
Or, that same year they also came out with this little experiment in alternative transportation, a fully restored Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert ($19.95) with real butt-'n-tuck upholstery! Shuffle on over here and check out this great deal. You see, the deck is stacked against former stud Terrence Stamp, leader of a trio of cross-dressing curiosities continually criss-crossing the Outback in cross-your-heart bras. For some reason their bus just can't go straight, har har. And the heat makes them flushed, har har har. What a drag!
Where you going? Wait a minute! You want power, right? Deee-troit heavy iron with a Crocodile Dundee differential. Here's the finest 1979 Mad Max you're likely to find for only $9.95. This glossy saucy Aussie import introduced Mel Gibson and put a lot of late-'70s American Motors products through their paces. That's right, your granny's Pacer actually penetrates a tractor-trailer rig (this is science-fiction) and Mom and Dad's Matador transforms into the formidable V-8 Intercepter! A terrific crack'em-up that spawned an even bigger sequel, The Road Warrior, and much of the fashion seen crawling late-night sidewalks. Oh, and the cars weren't the only thing Americanized about this one -- the moronic stateside producers had it dubbed ... into English! Think about it.
Hey, speaking of heavy iron, why not hedge your bet on a clean Corvette like the one in this 1981 Heavy Metal ($22.95)? After a decade of wrangling over music rights, the lawyers finally let the rest of us see this little animated cult fave again. It's not near as good as everyone remembers -- we just weren't allowed to see it when it first came out 'cause it had cartoon boobs -- but it's still a ball to drive. The goofy title cut by Don Feldor is a hoot, and there's some sort of plot about a glowing orb, but it just gets in the way of the gratuitous music and violence.
Not bad enough for ya, huh? Well, some cars are just born bad. But enough about my wife's Tercel. I'll make you a deal on this classic 1983 Christine ($14.95). Its heart and soul is a '58 Plymouth Fury that makes axle-grease of just about everybody in this Stephen King/John Carpenter effort. The only one to dodge the marauding Mo-Par product is the always amusing Harry Dean Stanton, and that's only because he's the only character with a real name in the credits. Everyone else is like "third victim in alley" or "punk on motorcycle."
Still not impressed? Okay, you've backed me into a corner. I didn't want to do this, but here's the 1964 Goldfinger ($14.95) that I was saving for myself; the Ultimate James Bond Film and the Ultimate Movie Car! This blockbuster's 1963 Aston Martin DB5 sported the wildest array of optional accessories in flick history, and most folks still don't believe me when I tell 'em that passenger ejector seats were factory standard back then -- along with bullet-proof screens, revolving license plates, white sidewall tire-slashers and twin .50s (taxes, license, and dealer prep extra). Heck, you could get Pussy Galore, too, if your rod spewed as much oil as this baby!
Hey, where you going? I've got plenty more to choose from! Don't walk away. Remember our motto? Don't walk away! Okay, boys ... break his legs.