by Tim Sampson
Thursday, May 8
THE REPUBLIC OF MIDTOWN -- Yesterday, May 6, 1999,
police tried to storm Old Zinnie's, where a group of militants have been
holed up in their "embassy" for several months now, claiming that
Midtown is not legally a part of Memphis and therefore its citizens do not
have to comply with city laws. A spokesman for the police department said
that when the officers tried to enter Zinnie's, they were simply mooned
by a large group of drunken rebels, with members ranging from rednecks and
female impersonators to blue-collar workers, psychopaths, numerous members
of the media and the arts, and several real estate agents. "Seeing
all those bare buttocks at one time," the MPD spokesman said, "took
us by surprise and we didn't really know what to do. So far the group has
not used any violent tactics, so we're really in the dark about how exactly
to treat them. Also, we're kind of dumb." Sources close to the militants
said that they have legalized hashish and marijuana, and are aiming to turn
Midtown into a miniature Amsterdam. They have revoked the no-smoking-in-public-places
law, and now claim that when they go out in disguise, they can make it through
the checkout line at Piggly Wiggly without having a complete nervous breakdown.
And they now smoke in all Midtown doctors' offices while waiting for their
appointments. In a formal statement to the press a few weeks ago, Republic
of Midtown leader Tim Sampson said, "Hey, why don't you goobers just
leave us the hell alone and go hang out in your malls and chain restaurants.
At least we're not involved in organized crime, we do not have an arsenal
of guns and explosives, and, more importantly, we are not in a trailer.
We have heard, however, that they are building two-story trailers for the
people in Frayser who do have money, and we are quite alarmed about
this. It is all the more reason for us to have another round of shooters
and live life the way we want to." Asked if he thinks everything that
can be done has been done to forcefully disband the group, Mayor Harold
Ford said, "Well, I had my brother John sneak in and kick a few people,
but he ended up having drinks with them and got another damn speeding ticket
on the way home. I just don't know what else to try." During earlier
telephone negotiations, Sampson told city officials to stop wasting their
time. "Look," he said, "as long as we have plenty of booze,
burgers, smokes, and a television that allows us to view daytime television
shows about women who are proud of their big butts and men who feel they
are really women with big butts trapped in men's bodies, we ain't budging.
Unless, that is, someone out there finds a real cure for male pattern baldness,
in which case I may venture out. And about those underground tunnels we
have reportedly dug, connecting us with Joe's Liquors and Backstreet, well,
you'll just have to find out for yourself. Na na na na na." With that,
Sampson yelled to the bartender, "Hey, if I lay down on the bar, will
you make a shooter in my mouth?" and then hung up the phone. He did,
however, say that he would fax the city the upcoming highlights of what's
going on around town this week, and here they are. Today kicks off
the new Court Square Tunes at Noon concert series, with live music
at noon each Thursday in the Court Square Park Gazebo; today's band is 3
Way. Later, the Emerald Theatre Company opens Divided by Zero
at Theatreworks; and don't forget that Stomp is running at
The Orpheum through Sunday. The Dixon Gallery and Gardens' Brazilian
Film Festival continues tonight with Quilombo. If you want to
help raise money for one of the best festivals in Memphis, check out the
Benefit Party for the Center for Southern Folklore tonight at the
new Flying Saucer Draught Emporium at Peabody Place, where there will be
hors d'oeuvres, handcrafted beers, and music by "nuclear polka"
band Brave Combo, all to benefit July's Memphis Music & Heritage Festival.
Finally, if you want to take a look into your past or future (what a scary
thought), the Flyer is throwing a Psychic Tea at Otherlands
this afternoon at 5:30 p.m.
Friday, May 9
A couple of art openings tonight: One is at Ledbetter Lusk Gallery for an exhibit of works by Terri Jones and Kathleen Holder; and the other is at Lisa Kurts Gallery for works by Bruce Brainard. And speaking of art openings, there was one a couple of weeks ago, when I was missing in action and didn't have a column. It was at a shop/Gallery in Cooper-Young on New York Street called Chez Reve, and if you haven't been in there yet, you should pay them a visit. It's a great store. If you haven't had enough of Brazil yet, tonight is opening night at the Germantown Performing Arts Centre of Balé Folclórico Da Bahia, featuring Brazil's only professional folk-dance company who blends African, native Indian, and European dance influences. Wild BraZOOlian Nights is a special Memphis in May event at the zoo this weekend, with a safari observing Brazilian animals, as well as a Brazilian carnival and a 12-piece drum line and dance team. And tonight's Brasil Brasileiro Cabaret at The Peabody's Skyway Room features Brazilian music, food, and carnival costumes. Back at the new Flying Saucer Draught Emporium, there's another fund-raiser, this one a Benefit Party for WKNO-FM tonight, with hors d'oeuvres, beer, and more music by Brave Combo. And if you want to help out yet another worthy cause, there's tonight's 4th Annual Whale Watch: Rockin' on the River Party on the grounds of the National Ornamental Metal Museum, a benefit for the museum, with beer, wine coolers, soft drinks, food from Steak-Out, and live music by the Rhythm Hounds. As for more live music, Mr. Bobby Womack is playing tonight down at Sam's Town Casino in Tunica.
Saturday, May 10
And there's yet more art and music today. This afternoon there's an opening reception at Maxwell's restaurant for "Invisible Artists"; wine and appetizers will be served. And the lot next to Burke's Book Store on Poplar is the site of today's 5th Annual Midtown Artists Market, with local artists selling paintings, sculpture, pottery, furniture, clothing, jewelry, and a whole lot more. As for live music, Kudzu's is hosting a benefit tonight for the American Disabled for Attendant Programs Today (ADAPT), with music by Dorothy Guinn, Steve Lockwood, Mark Allen, and Jeremiah Tucker. And over at the New Daisy, tonight's big Monster Bash will feature live music by Frankenstein Records artists Tommy Hoehn, Mea Culpa, and Grayson Wells.
Sunday, May 11
Today is Mother's Day, so be sweet to Mom and take her out to lunch somewhere nice -- Jarrett's has a very special annual Mother's Day brunch -- and then maybe take her down to the Center for Southern Folklore later for some of the best big-band music you'll ever hear, by the Memphis Jazz Orchestra.
Monday, May 12
It's that night again -- Margarita Monday at Molly's La Casita.
Tuesday, May 13
Stay home and recover from Margarita Monday.
Wedneday, May 14
Just one place to be tonight: U2, with opening act Rage Against the Machine, are playing at Liberty Bowl Stadium. Other than that, you're on your own. Actually, as far as I'm concerned, you're on your own anyway. As always, I really couldn't care less what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can smuggle some Elizabeth Taylor movies into our compound, I'm quite certain that I never want to meet you. Besides, I have to go now and make sure the militants are awake for happy hour.