by Tim Sampson

Thursday, May 15

If it weren't for Matt Lauer, I think I would stop watching the news. JonBenet, JonBenet, JonBenet. Timothy McVeigh, Timothy McVeigh, Timothy McVeigh. Whitewater, Whitewater, Whitewater. It's the same old stuff every day. What they need to do is read the Weekly World News, which I haven't read in some time. Which is why I went out and bought one to find out what's really going on in the world. Did you know that in Cleveland there's a woman with three breasts divorcing her husband, a baseball player with three arms, because he's not playing as well as he used to? See? Eddie Murphy picking up transvestite hookers for years? Papers found from a doomed wagon train with prophecies that include: "Nakedness on the Streets -- Moral decay in the U.S. will escalate to the point that by the summer of 1998, public nudity will be common." Can you in your wildest dreams imagine nudity at Barbecue Fest, or at ZZ Top playing at Liberty Bowl Stadium? Or how about the Goat Days Festival in Millington? I think that one is even scarier than the prediction that Satan is going to appear in California in 1999. And just look what's going on right now in Bangkok: Instead of police using drug-sniffing dogs, they've switched to using dwarves, calling them "little lieutenants" and leading them around on leashes. Naturally, human-rights advocates are up in arms, but I don't expect WWW columnist Ed Anger feels that way, since his most recent tirade was about political correctness. Tired of that "crap that's being stuffed down our throats," old Ed has come up with some new definitions, including "NATIVE AMERICAN -- Red Injuns who would still be living in tents and pounding tom-toms if Pilgrims hadn't come to America. But thanks to us, they now run reservation casinos that make them rich. MENTALLY CHALLENGED -- Like Forrest Gump or Chump or whatever his name was. CHAIRPERSON -- A girl head of something or other -- most likely a lesbian. HYPERACTIVE CHILD -- Brat. ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER -- Brat, again." He goes on with a few more, but I think you get the drift. Other overlooked stories include Castro finding one of his kitchen staff urinating on his food and having him shot -- and who could blame him? I wish he would hang around the outside of my house sometime. A South African Airlines plane had to land the other day because it was carrying a cargo load of pigs and they all starting pooting at once. "All the heat and methane gas generated by the pigs' flatulence was enough to activate the alarms and signal an emergency," said a somber spokesperson. Somber? Who could be somber with a bunch of pigs cutting the cheese and causing an emergency landing? Hasn't he ever seen Blazing Saddles? Oh, well. Just another day in the life, I guess. At any rate, if you are sick of hearing about JonBenet and Whitewater and Timothy McVeigh, maybe these little news stories will serve as food for thought. In the meantime, it's that time again, time to take a look around and see just what the hell is going on this week. Today, of course, is day one of the big Memphis in May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest down at Tom Lee Park, which smokes through Saturday. And Court Square Tunes at Noon continues today, with live lunchtime music by B.B. Price. It's opening night of David Mamet's Speed-the-Plow at Theatre Memphis' Little Theatre. Let's not forget that Sunset Serenade party on the Plantation Roof of The Peabody, with live music, a cash bar, buffet, and the best view in town. And finally, tonight starts a week of premiere parties for the new J. Michael McCarthy film, The Sore Losers. The movie will be showing around town this week at several places, but tonight you can meet the stars at the new Parallax at 111 Madison.

Friday, May 16

And as usual, there are a couple of art openings tonight. One is at the University of Memphis Art Museum for "Skeletons in the Closet of Culture"; the other is at Marhsall Arts for the Memphis College of Art MFA exhibition. If you want yet another great view of the river, stop by the Spring Rooftop Party at River Terrace Yacht Club on Mud Island after work, where there will be hors d'oeuvres, a cash bar, and live music by Blue Silk. As for other live music, Snoop Doggy Dogg is playing The Pyramid tonight, while country star Billy Ray Cyrus and Mark Collie are down at Sam's Town Casino. And at Circuit Playhouse, it's opening night of Sylvia -- and you don't know how much I wish this was the stage version of the movie Sylvia, in which Carroll Baker tries to improve her financial situation by becoming a prostitute and is hired by a club owner who does a number in drag, which ends with him karate-chopping a board in half, exclaiming, "Now, that's what Lola calls a bang-up finish!" and then ripping off his wig and lighting a cigar. Why can't I find this video?

Saturday, May 17

And there's yet more art and live music today. First of all, last week I listed an ADAPT Benefit at Kudzu's, but -- oops! -- I had the date wrong. Imagine, me making a mistake. Anyway, it's tonight, it's to help raise money to send disabled activists to D.C. for a civil-rights demonstration, and there will be live music by Dorothy Guinn, Steve Lockwood, Mark Allen, and Jeremiah Tucker. So be there; I promise it will really be going on. Also on the bill is The Night for Sight, an opening reception at the University of Memphis Art Museum for "Art of the Eye," a very impressive exhibition of works by visually impaired artists; reception includes cocktail buffet and jazz. If you're looking for a few laughs tonight, you could go to the Crucial Comedy Tour at Cook Convention Center, or enjoy a blast from the past by going down to the Hollywood Casino to see the Smothers Brothers.

Sunday, May 18

If you want to see a Memphis in May event tonight that actually includes performers from Brazil, the place to be is Memphis Brooks Museum of Art, where 4th World Musique will be presenting Brasilia, a show of music, dance, and theatre that includes some Brazilians now living in Memphis, some famous ones who are coming in, and just lots of good talent. 4th World Music has gotten international media attention during past MIM performances, and they're likely to this time, too.

Monday, May 19

Just one place to be tonight: An Evening in Heaven at Cielo, the fabulous restaurant in the Mollie Fontaine House in Victorian Village. There will be Brazilian music, food, and beverages, and angel-themed artwork by Mary Norman.

Tuesday, May 20

Spend your entire day calling all over the world to find me a copy of the movie Sylvia.

Wednesday, May 21

Back at Overton Square, check out the new cigar/martini bar/restaurant, the Side Street Grill. All I have to say about this place is that any bar with a big framed black-and-white photograph of Joan Crawford on the wall is A-okay with me. And the martinis are pretty good, too. So go. Or don't. Who really cares. As always, I don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can get me a copy of that damn movie, I don't ever want you anywhere near my line of vision. Besides, it's time for me to blow this hog trough and go read the National Enquirer. I don't know what's in it, but I did see Matt's picture.