by Tim Sampson

Thursday, June 19

Well, for a while there I hadn't been doing inexplicable things in my sleep. I thought the horrid phase was over. No more eating soap, eating dirt from potted plants, cooking, or wandering around the front yard with a tube of anchovy paste and with no recollection of it the next morning -- only the tragic evidence. So you can imagine my surprise when I woke up the other morning only to discover that the pocket of the shirt I'd fallen asleep in was filled with tuna fish and anti-inflammatory drugs. Pretty, huh? Almost as pretty as a few mornings later, when I woke up, and went into the kitchen only to discover on the stove a huge pot of water filled with toilet paper. Thank God it hadn't been cooked and eaten -- although, as a friend pointed out, that would have saved me one step during the morning ritual, giving a whole meaning to Handi Wipes. If all of this sounds like a desperate plea for help, it is. I need to go to one of those sleep-disorder clinics, but I need for them to come set up at my house where all of this madness takes place. And I don't think my health insurance covers such things, which means I can't afford it. Which means someone needs to give me a huge amount of money, or I need to come up with a get-rich-quick scheme. I've tried this before: my blood-splattered line of Psycho bathroom products, my dance bar called Club Foot, and several other ideas that just never came to fruition. So here's a new one. With all this craze going on about Beanie Babies and those other new computer babies, and the new Barbies wearing gowns designed by Bob Mackie, a friend and I have decided to come out with the all-new, ever-fabulous PhenoBarbie Doll. Her lipstick would be all smeared and mascara would be running all over her face. Her hair would be kind of dirty and she would be about as big around as a straw. Naturally, she would look fabulous. She would come with her own prescription for phenobarbital, which would also help calm down the little ones who would be playing with her. (This would also open up a whole new adult market for Barbie.) Then you'd have the option of letting PhenoBarbie run out of drugs and watch her go through withdrawal -- she would come equipped with mechanical devices to make her shake and sweat and throw up -- and then send her off to treatment, and we would send her back to you with the option of being off the stuff and you could take her to self-help meetings organized by you and all of your other friends who have PhenoBarbie, or you could let her relapse and go right back to popping pills and even being a slut. She could also start taking lots of other drugs, and we'd send her back with a little kit for you to put track marks on her arms. She could even steal Ken away and get him hooked and turn him from the all-American guy he is into a gin-soaked pill-popper like her. The options are endless. So if any of you entrepreneurial investors out there would like to help finance this venture -- and contribute to my not cooking a Brillo pad one night in my sleep -- just let me know. In the meantime, here's a little taste of what's going on around town this week. Today officially kicks off this weekend's Fourth Annual Juneteenth Freedom Festival in Douglass Park; today's event is a Blues & Jubilee Business Luncheon at the Days Inn downtown with a fashion show and music by the Bill Hurd Trio, and Friday and Saturday in the park will feature live music with a great lineup. And there's the weekly Court Square Tunes at Noon concert in Court Square, with live music by Blue Silk, as well as the Sunset Serenade party on The Peabody's Plantation Rooftop, with a buffet, cash bar, and live music.

Friday, June 20

And there's plenty more live music today. Summer Daze '97 at the Mud Island Amphitheatre is a nostalgic music fest featuring Steppenwolf, Foghat, Blue Oyster Cult, and Pat Travers; Motorhead with W.A.S.P. is playing at Six-1-Six; Neighborhood Texture Jam is playing at Automatic Slim's; Dame Chaka Khan is at Sam's Town Casino in Tunica; at the Center for Southern Folklore, there's the big Dixie Fried Fest, with Sam Carr & Frank Frost with Luther Dickinson, the Will Roy Sanders Blues Band, the Oblivians, and 68 Comeback. Just around the corner there's the Orpheum Summer Movie Series tonight; the feature film is Casablanca. Or you could go to Playhouse on the Square tonight for The Sensational '70s: A Cabaret, a retro-'70s party following The Rocky Horror Show, with cast members performing a disco revue. Whatever you do, start out the night at one or both of these parties: There's a Sleep Out Louie's Alley Party, and around the corner at Ciao Baby Cucina, the Flyer is sponsoring a Ciao Baby Martini Hour, where you can fill out free personal ads, win prizes, and get really cheap martinis. What more could you possibly ask for?

Saturday, June 21

After all that savage partying, if you want a little culture, by all means go to The Dixon Gallery and Gardens this afternoon for an Opening Lecture by Dale Chihuly, the renowned blown-glass artist whose new exhibit opens Sunday. Or you could opt to join in the Gay and Lesbian Pride Parade and Festival this afternoon; the parade starts in Overton Park and winds up at the Holy Trinity Community Church on Madison, where there will be a festival with entertainment, speakers, and more. Later, in conjunction with Gay Pride Day, Aphrodite of Memphis will be putting on a very special show at Secrets, a benefit for Loving Arms, an organization that helps infants with HIV/AIDS. Later, if you want to have a big time and help out a worthy cause, there's the 21st Annual Marguerite Piazza Gala, a fund-raiser for St. Jude at The Peabody, with live music by Piazza, the Bob Westbrook Combo, the Seven Sons of Otis, and none other than the Spinners. Finally, if you're trying to improve your credit to buy a house, you might want to check out today's Credit Open House at the downtown Days Inn, a seminar sponsored by Black Business Association member Universal Credit Repair, where there will be prizes and free consultations with mortgage lenders about how to buy a house; noon-4 p.m., call 368-2600 for details.

Sunday, June 22

And there are yet more fund-raisers tonight. Hope House, another organization that helps HIV/AIDS-affected children, is hosting a Riverboat Cruise Party benefit with heavy hors d'oeuvres, beer and wine, and live music by Joyce Cobb and Cool Heat. At the P&H Cafe tonight there's a Theatreworks Benefit; the experimental theatre/dance space has just lost much of its funding, and they're raising money tonight with a party that includes live Latin music by Caliente! And if you're in the mood for jazz tonight, don't miss the two-show appearance of the Count Basie Orchestra at the New Daisy, co-sponsored by this lovely paper.

Monday, June 23

And tonight, sponsored by our lovely sister publication, Memphis magazine, there's the 1997 Memphis Theatre Awards at the Memphis College of Art, where the best of local theatre will be honored; there will be a cash bar and the awards will be hosted by comedian, talk show host, columnist, and all-round funny man Dennis Phillippi. Today is also day one of the 40th Annual Federal Express St. Jude Classic at Southwind.

Tuesday, June 24

If you didn't make it to Margarita Monday at Molly's La Casita last night, or if you did and have the stamina to go back, there's a margarita tasting, with premium margaritas and tequila martinis. And tonight's big party is the Rufus Thomas Birthday Bash at The Orpheum with performances by B.B. King, William Bell, Millie Jackson, Little Milton Campbell, and others.

Wednesday, June 25

Whew. It's a good thing there's nothing much going on tonight (I'd recommend going to the Side Street Grill), because I am out of space and pooped. Plus, I really don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can explain that television news piece I saw this morning about area pastors learning to shoot guns and encouraging their congregations to start packing rods, then I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this dump and go give the PhenoBarbie Doll a pill. She's driving me nuts.