by Tim Sampson

thursday, june 26

I love it. I'm looking at the front page of Thursday's Commercial Appeal and there's a big headline that says, "Baptists to boycott Disney `And no more Regis and Kathy Lee.'" Then under that there's a headline that says, "Mississippians Nose-to-Nose," and underneath it is a big picture of a bunch of hogs, and another headline that says, "Are hogs too smelly a business?" I would love to think that they intentionally linked the Southern Baptists who have decided to boycott Disney to smelly hogs, but I doubt they did that on purpose. But I will. Hey, you Southern Baptists who are boycotting Disney because they give people health insurance to keep them from getting sick and dying, you're a bunch of smelly hogs. There. I mean, really. Just because Disney doesn't hate gay people, you're gonna deprive your kids of knowing Mickey Mouse? And you're going to give up watching ABC-TV, ESPN, and the Lifetime and A&E networks? Not to mention giving up Regis and Kathy Lee which, well, let's face it, wouldn't be much of a sacrifice to anyone but you. What are you going to do with yourselves? I'll tell you what you ought to do. Since Cracker Barrel has never been very gay-friendly, why don't you all go plop your happy asses down in there for the rest of your lives? And do you honestly think there are no gays in your congregations? Who do you think plays the pianos and organs? Straight men? Please. Y'all need to sit down and take a pill. Especially the man I read about who was there voting to boycott Disney and was wearing a Mickey Mouse watch, refusing to take it off because his kids had given it to him. Can you say hypocrite? And guess what? Remember all those years you loved watching Minnie Mouse? Well, that was Mickey in drag! Na na na na na! Anyway, most of you people are a few bricks shy of a load, so I won't waste any more time talking about you. Besides, it's hard to spell out what it sounds like when one is retching. So on to bigger and more important things. Like wondering what ticks think about. Is the guy on that commercial who is dressed like Hercules and lifts that woman up out of her suitcase with one hand really Bubba from Mama's Family? Why, the other morning on the Today show, did a large group of screaming people from Southaven, when asked by Al Roker what part of Mississippi that was in, reply, "Memphis"? Haven't we suffered enough? Are we indeed going to be invaded by aliens? Do gorillas drink? (I know of one who does. He walked into a bar the other day and ordered a beer. The bartender wasn't too keen on having a gorilla at the bar, so he gave him a dirty look and charged him 10 bucks for the beer. When the gorilla tipped him five, the bartender got to feeling kind of guilty and said, hey, man, I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that we don't get too many gorillas in here. To which the gorilla replied, I guess not, at 10 bucks a beer!) And finally, on much more important an issue than the debate about Southern Baptists boycotting Disney, how do you say transsexual in Ebonics? Susan B. Anthony! And there you have it. Plenty of things to contemplate that far exceed the Disney whirl. In the meantime, if you feel like getting out this week, here's a little sampler of what's going on around town. Today there's the weekly Court Square Tunes at Noon concert series offering, with live music by Global Warming. There's also the weekly Sunset Serenade party tonight on The Peabody's Plantation Rooftop, with cash bar, buffet, live music by Big Fish, and a great view. And if you want to check out a cool and different kind of happy hour this evening, stop by The Map Room at Madison and Main Street Mall, a tour-destination/coffeehouse/reading-room kind of place, where there will be live exploratory jazz by Purvisbird; cold beer or BYOB. Later, Keith Sykes Songwriters Night at the Black Diamond on Beale will feature, among others, Teenie Hodges.

friday, june 27

Just one art opening tonight, but it should be a good one. It's at Marshall Arts for the exhibit "21st Century sEXPRESSIONISM," a group show of erotic art organized by Invisible Artists, a group dedicated to gaining exposure for ethnic artists. There are a couple of theatrical events tonight. One is opening night of Anne Meara's comedy After Play at Circuit Playhouse; the other is a TheatreWorks Silent Auction to benefit the theatre. If you want to go the movies tonight and see something really special, the Orpheum Summer Movie Series feature is the James Bond classic, Goldfinger. There's lots of Memphis jazz tonight at the Center for Southern Folklore, with Fred Ford and Honeymoon Garner & Friends, followed by a show by Joyce Cobb and Cool Heat featuring Herman Green. If you want to eat some great food, shoot pool, and listen to live music, head to the Young Avenue Deli tonight, where The Paladins and Voodoo Train are playing. Back at The Map Room, there's live jazz by the No. 8 Quartet. And if you want to see a big, big show and help out a worthy cause, go to the New Daisy for the Loving Arms Fashion Gala, a party sponsored by Betty's Fashions, featuring a retro-'70s fashion show, live music by the Bouffants, a performance by the Pyramid Dance Company, cash bar, hors d'oeuvres, prizes, and more; proceeds benefit Loving Arms, a support organization for women and children infected with HIV/AIDS.

saturday, june 28

Two big live music shows today. One is the R.O.A.R. Tour concert at Mud Island Amphitheatre, with Iggy Pop, Sponge, Rev. Horton Heat, the Bloodhound Gang, the Nixons, Tonic, and other acts. The other is Todd Snider's What the Folk Fest at the New Daisy, with Steve Earle, Jerry Jeff Walker, Jack Ingram, Joe Ely, the Bottle Rockets, and Todd Snider; proceeds benefit The Food Bank. Just down the street, the Preston Shannon Band is playing at the Black Diamond. And if all else fails, just go to the Side Street Grill and order one of their jumbo martinis.

sunday, june 29

And here's yet another fund-raiser at the New Daisy. This one is an Artist's and Merchant's Treasure Auction to benefit the Memphis Child Advocacy Center, featuring a live auction of original artworks, as well as goods and services by various local merchants, along with free food by Huey's Catering and live music by the Roy Brewer Jazz Band, Jungle Room, and Nora Burns and Lucky Strike.

monday, june 30

Little Jimmy King at B.B. King's Blues Club. Margarita Monday at Molly's La Casita.

tuesday, july 1

There's not really much going on tonight, so go see the latest Disney movie. Or go to Barristers and hear Monorchid and the Cranium.

wednesday, july 2

There's not really much going on tonight, so go see the latest Disney movie. Or test your skills at Kudzu's Pub Quiz. Or go to Retro '80s night at Fantasia. Or don't do anything at all. As usual, I really don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can enact a law forbidding anyone from this area to stand outside the set of the Today show and hold up stupid signs and talk on camera, then I'm sure I don't want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this dump and go buy a gorilla a beer.