by Tim Sampson

thursday, august 28

This is to John Waters, my idol, who is coming to town this weekend for a 25th anniversary showing of his masterpiece Pink Flamingos and a monologue afterward. John, if you let the powers-that-be here shuttle you around, you're likely to have a really boring time, so I've put together a little itinerary for you. First of all, after your gig at the New Daisy, please stop by the Map Room. The women who own the place are really very nice and want to throw a party for you in the very cool basement downstairs. Even though it's been spiffied up, it still has that feeling of a place where someone could possibly have been gruesomely murdered down there a long time ago, or at least tortured, so I think you'll like it. Then go back to your hotel and get a good night's sleep because you'll want to have plenty of energy for Saturday. I'd say start out Saturday with a bloody mary at Old Zinnie's, where you just never know what kind of characters are going to wander in. One day I was in there and a guy walked in, yanked a block of cheddar out of his crotch, and asked if anyone wanted to buy any cheese. On another occasion, a well-dressed woman came in, announced that she was a schoolteacher, and then proceeded to run up and down the bar screeching her versions of Broadway tunes. Or you might want to stop by the Sunshine Lounge on a beautiful street called Lamar. At 10 a.m., it is not unusual for there to be tables full of middle-aged women with really nice beehives drinking pitchers of draft beer and playing cards. You might even find your next Edith Massey there. Then get someone to drive you around West Memphis, and be sure to stop at the place where you can simultaneously rent formal wear and purchase hot wings. If I could remember the name of it, I'd send you to a store over there where I walked in one night on a lonely Christmas Eve only to find the cashier wearing a Santa Claus hat and, at the front counter, ripping out nose hairs with her face close to a hand-held mirror, all the while engaged in conversation with the store's few patrons ("Whatcha gonna gitcher Diddy fer Christmas, shoog?") and humming cheerful Christmas carols to herself. Later, when it's time for dinner, I'd recommend Catfish Island in Frayser (you'll want to take a camera for future costume reference) or Club 501, where you can order a chicken cordon bleu sandwich and eat it while A) watching a drag show, B) line-dancing with very nelly men dressed like cowboys, or C) listening to Dolly Parton's version of Cat Steven's "Peace Train" blare from the jukebox. If you are truly lucky, they might be having their "Miss You Ain't Right" pageant that night. (It's too bad they closed down their snack bar, Junior's, where the drag queens cooked and regularly abandoned the grill to get up and do a number, then returned and finished up your patty melt). After that, go to a bar called Amnesia. It's a big place, but in the small video bar, they show a wonderful montage of scenes from your movies, with many clips from Desperate Living. I think you'll be very touched when they show the scene of Mink Stole having a breakdown because she's answered the phone and it's the wrong number, and the crowd screams in unison with her, "Do you know that you've just wasted 30 seconds of my life???!!!" After that it's on to Backstreet for a little Fellini-esque action. And then finally to J. Wag's, where the collective livers of the people there who've been out all night are spouting off chemicals faster than Chernobyl. By this time it's going to be daylight, so make sure you have sunglasses with you when you leave to go to, well, my house, if you like. Just give me a call, and I'll make sure you have a good time. In the meantime, for the rest of you, here's a little rundown of what's going on around town this week. Tonight, it looks like things are already revving up for Labor Day Weekend. In the art world, there's an opening reception/fund-raiser at Ledbetter Lusk Gallery for a Youth Villages Art Sale and Reception, with photographs by the children of Youth Villages as well as by professional photographers, along with wine, beer, hors d'oeuvres, and live music. And Chihuly Nights at the Dixon keeps The Dixon Art Gallery and Gardens open until 9 p.m. for viewing the Chihuly exhibit, including lighted outdoor glass sculptures. At the Black Diamond on Beale, it's Keith Sykes Songwriters Night, with Gary White and Richard Leigh. Jungle Room is playing at Elvis Presley's Memphis, and for a show that should rattle the walls, the Simple Ones, Pisshorse, and the Sorts are playing at Barristers.

friday, august 29

If you want to start out the morning with a party, head down to The Peabody's 72nd Anniversary Celebration, where Mayor Herenton is scheduled to unveil bronzed, webbed footprints during a sidewalk ceremony to honor the famous Peabody ducks; that will be followed by a reception in the Grand Lobby, with a "webbing" cake and champagne. Down at Sam's Town tonight, the King of Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, is in concert. The featured film at the Orpheum Summer Movie Series tonight is To Catch a Thief. And speaking of movies, the only real place to be tonight is the New Daisy, where A Night with John Waters will feature a screening of the classic Waters film Pink Flamingos, followed by Waters' personal monologue. Remember, John, over at the Map Room later, they're throwing a party for you, with live music by the Clears, so stop in.

saturday, august 30

There's one art opening tonight, for the "Horn Island to Taos III" exhibit at the Memphis College of Art. In Tom Lee Park today, there's the annual Stone Soul Picnic, a free festival with live acts performing soul, R&B, gospel, and more, including a show by the Bar-Kays. And tonight's big, big show is the Revenge of the Shangri-La Shindig at Green's Lounge, an end-of-the-summer blowout with Thinking Fellers Union 282 and Wilroy Sanders and his Memphis Soul Blues Band with Daddy Mack; live hippie in a cage, and quart beers only. Be there. (John, you'd probably love this place too.)

sunday, august 31

Today's big bash is one of the best of the year. The Beale Street Labor Day Music Festival will feature more than 30 acts in all the clubs on Beale, including Rufus Thomas, the Amazing Rhythm Aces, Joyce Cobb & Cool Heat, Gary Hardy & the Sun Studio Revue, Kevin Paige, and lots of others. $15 wristband gets you into all Beale Street clubs.

monday, september 1

It's Labor Day, so just lay around and don't work. Or go back down to Beale Street to the New Daisy for a show by Squirrel Nut Zippers, with opening act the North Mississippi All-Stars. Or just go to Margarita Monday at Molly's and run amuck.

tuesday, september 2

It's the day after Labor Day and you're probably hung over, so just lay around and don't do a thing.

wednesday, september 3

It's two days after Labor Day and you should finally be rid of that hangover, so check out tonight's Budweiser Superfest with Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Mary J. Blige, and Dru Hill (whoever they are). Or don't do anything at all. As always, I couldn't care less what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can assure me that someone will censor that ex-Mouseketeer from further making a fool of herself with all that blubbering on television, then I'm sure I don't want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this dump and see if I can get Raiford's to change their Sex-O-Matic night from Wednesday to Saturday, so John can see the contestants do the percolator.