by Tim Sampson

thursday, october 9

Just when I thought I'd heard everything, across my desk comes something from "The Managers' Intelligence Report," and let me tell you that they are using the term "intelligence" about as loosely as if I were calling the Promise Keepers "winners" (have you ever seen a bigger bunch of losers in your life?). It is a list of strategies to keep employees happy in these times we live in of high-stress corporate America; you know, a kind of "10 things you can do to keep someone from committing mass murder." Frankly, I'd prefer a mass murder to some of the things this list suggests. Starting with number one: "Sponsor a noon movie. Once a week (depending on employee schedules) set up a VCR in the lunchroom and show a funny movie during lunch. If time is limited, show reruns of Frasier or other situation comedies." I say, show home movies of people in Frayser. You know, guys having sex with small animals so that on the video their penises will look proportionately bigger than they really are (I've already grossed out even myself; you might want to stop reading here). Number Two: "Set up a humor corner. Designate one section of the office as the place for humor, and encourage employees to post cartoons, jokes, or other funny material." Please. What a stupid idea. I say, set up a humiliation corner, a place designated to making fun of those with whom you work. Take pictures of everyone's heads, and place them on photographs of nude bodies of the other sex taken from really bad porno magazines. You know, take the head shot of the most demure person in the office and place it on the head of some naked guy in a position that involves sex and a vacuum cleaner. Number Three: "Get out of the office! Whenever possible, hold meetings outside the office -- at the coffee shop down the street, or at a local restaurant. If weather permits, don't be afraid to hold meetings outside from time to time." Well, I kind of like the idea of outside meetings, only because that means I would be able to smoke. However, I have something of an aversion to the idea because once, while institutionalized, I was in an outside group therapy session and a pigeon shit on my head. And they still wouldn't release me early. I still want my money back. Or at least an unlimited lifetime supply of decent anti-seizure drugs for watching Jerry Springer. Number Four: "Sponsor an interesting pizza day." That one is so stupid I won't even list the details. Now, if one could go to a magic shop and buy little fake maggots with computer chips in them to make them crawl around ... Number Five: "Liven up your memos. Buy a book of one-liners, and include a joke at the bottom of your memos." Brilliant. Memo: "Hey fart head, you screwed up and you're fired. By the way, did you hear the one about the two gerbils walking past a gay bar and one said to the other, `Hey, let's go in and get shit-faced?' Enjoy your pathetic life and don't leave anything in your desk to remind us of you." Number Six: "Run a `Guess the Baby' contest. Ask the staff to bring in baby photos, and post them on the wall. Award a free lunch to the employee who can guess who's who." I, for one, don't know of any "baby" pictures of me that exist. My grandmother does have one of me as a toddler, wearing a cowboy hat, with a corn-on-the-cob in one hand and a Tab in the other -- dieting at the age of four. Not to mention trying to make a fashion statement. Dead giveaway. Number Seven: "Have late-day Mondays. Once a month, allow your employees to come in one hour late on a Monday morning." Cool. I'll have time to take a shower after leaving J. Wag's. I could go on, but I think you get the picture. I will say that Number 10 is the one that gags the maggot: "Bring your smile to work. You'll be surprised at the difference it makes. If the manager consistently has an upbeat attitude, the staff will as well." Right. Like any of us want to work in an atmosphere that even remotely resembles the set of Suddenly Susan. What we ought to bring with us is a fully stocked wet bar. Then we could at least smile in the afternoon. In the meantime, I guess it's time to get along with what's going on around town this week, which, I might say, ain't much. Although if you want to go out of town, today is opening day of the King Biscuit Blues Festival, a four-day blues fest in Helena, Arkansas, with performances by Robert Lockwood Jr., James Cotton, Bobby Rush, the Staple Singers, and others. And if you want to go in style, the Memphis Queen Line is offering a Blues Cruise, with live music, breakfast, and lunch. Down at Sheraton Casino in Tunica, comedian Howie Mandel is performing. And here at home, it's opening night of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the University of Memphis.

friday, october 10

There's one art opening tonight, at Marshall Arts, for the exhibition "Generations." And opening tonight for a three-night run at TheaterWorks is Mark Twain Moments. If you like the comedy of Sinbad, then head down and see him at Sam's Town casino in Tunica tonight. As for live music, check out: Kevin Paige at Alfred's on Beale; Preston Shannon at B.B. King's; and you can never go wrong with listening to James Govan down at Rum Boogie Cafe.

saturday, october 11

If you feel like getting out of the house this morning, well, you can actually come out, because it's National Coming Out Day, and Memphis Pride, Inc., is hosting a dog show and picnic at Audubon Park; bring your own picnic lunch and your dog, and enter the pooch in several categories, including best costume of dog and owner, dog and owner that look most alike, most disobedient dog, best stupid pet trick, and more. Later, there's a big potluck dinner sponsored by the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center (2012 Oliver, 7 p.m.), and there's brunch Sunday morning at 11:30 a.m. at The Peabody's Skyway Room. Today's Memphis Mix in Handy Park on Beale is an afternoon of dance and musical performances by various ethnic groups. Comedian Jamie Foxx is at The Orpheum tonight. G3 is in concert at Mud Island Amphitheatre. And Anson and the Rockets, Vykki Vox, and Charlie & the Top Cats are at Black Diamond on Beale.

sunday, october 12

More live music tonight, in the way of Russ Freeman & the Rippingtons at the New Daisy; the Memphis Jazz Orchestra at the Center for Southern Folklore, a gospel brunch at Elvis Presley's Memphis, Mount Pilot at Newby's, and the Overton Square Fall Sunday Jazz Series at the Palm Court Room (tonight's band is the Beale Street Jazz Band).

monday, october 13

Well, here it is Monday again already. How about Reba Russell at B.B. King's, Southern Fried Jazz at the Map Room, big frozen cocktails at Margarita Monday at Molly's, $2 burgers and beer specials at Old Zinnie's, or Martini Monday at Side Street Grill?

tuesday, october 14

Ah, forget it.

wednesday, october 15

If you're downtown at lunchtime today, check out Calvary and the Arts Concert Series at Calvary Episcopal Church; today's entertainment is by Opera Memphis. And that, as they say, is that. So do what you want to do, be what you want to be. As always, I really don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you have live footage of that NBC sports commentator biting that women while she ripped off his toupee, then I'm sure I never want to go through the sheer agony of meeting you. Besides, it's time for me to go back home and get that smile. I simply forgot to bring it to work today.