by Tim Sampson

thursday, october 23

I guess I should be paying more attention to all this annexation-vs.-incorporation business, but, you know, most of the time I'm caught up in my own little world, just trying to make ends meet and keep from spiraling into a state that requires the wearing of adult diapers. Nashoba? I'm not even sure where that is, except I know it probably means driving through that Poplar/I-240 interchange, which, to me, is tantamount to driving dodge-'em cars blindfolded and drunk. Fisherville? Who knows? I guess it's a place where you go fishing. New Berryhill? It sounds like a brand of yogurt. Or a natural laxative. And don't you love laxative commercials? I do. Especially the one they show about 100 times every morning, with that very angular woman doing that modern dance in that flowing white outfit. I guess they're trying to get across the message that if you wake up and take a big dump, you'll suddenly turn into Judith Jamison from the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. I mean, I've never seen such happy people. I'm the first one to admit that being irregular can be bothersome, but I'm certainly not going to tap dance on the roof of The Peabody and claim that life couldn't possibly be better just because I've had a successful constitution on any given morning (of course, that could all change in a few years, the way things are going). And laxative commercials all use some variation of a very famous song. I think I saw one the other day that used a James Brown song and changed the lyrics around. Can you imagine how that must make an artist feel, knowing that his songs are being used to tout stool softeners? Well, I guess in Brown's case he wouldn't care as long as plenty of cash was involved. And then there was the quintessential laxative commercial, which I'm sure I've mentioned on the page before (you write 500 of these things and try not to ever repeat yourself), which featured a country singer against the backdrop of a sunset, playing a guitar and singing, "Doxidan, Doxidan, in the PM for a BM in the AM." Magnificent. But I digress. I was talking about these little suburbs wanting to become incorporated towns and somehow started talking about laxatives. Imagine that. At any rate, since I haven't kept up like I should, my opinion is really meaningless, so if you want to stop reading here and go fix a cocktail, be my guest. But when thinking about whether we should annex these areas or let them incorporate into their own towns, all I can think of is, what if we had annexed Millington? A city that worships goats. Think of it. Millington could be just another neighborhood for Memphis to call its own. Would we have wanted that? Wasn't Parkway Village bad enough? And I am here to tell you that, as a person who grew up in Parkway Village on the edge of Hickory Hill, let them incorporate. Let them have their own mayor, worry about their own sewage, and send their little prison-bound children to their own school system. Same with all the rest of the communities that want to be separate towns. And why someone hasn't suggested this yet, I don't know, but the answer to the whole problem is simple: toll gates. You have to pay to get into Manhattan from the burbs, you have to pay to get into San Francisco coming in on the Golden Gate Bridge. Hell, I had to pay to get into part of Oklahoma one time. Why not charge the suburban dwellers a few bucks to come into town? It would generate revenue, keep out the real riff-raff, and everyone could have their own space. And the gates should be manned with officers giving those passing through the once-over. You're trying to get into Memphis from Hickory Hill and you're wearing a tube top? Sorry. Turn around and go back. "Free Bird" blaring from the radio? Not a chance. Back! Back! Go back! And we won't even mention the desperate need for a toll gate on the bridge that separates us from West Memphis. Frankly, I think this is the only viable solution. In the meantime, if you're in the city and looking for something to do, here's some of what's going on around town this week. Tonight, there are a couple of plays opening. Neil Simon's musical Star Spangled Girl opens at Shelby State Community College Theatre, and on the Main Stage at Theatre Memphis it's opening night of Lillian Hellman's The Little Foxes. And if you haven't yet seen the new book CitySmart Guidebook: Memphis, the nifty new look at the Bluff City by Memphis Business Journal writer Linda Romine, she'll be signing copies of it this evening at Burke's Book Store.

friday, october 24

If you want to get an early start on Halloween, tonight's Hell on Earth Halloween bash at Memphis Underground features live music by the North Mississippi All-Stars, the Usurpers, the Little Flames of Fire, the Chiselers, and surprise guests. Or you could just go park downtown and make the rounds for other live music worth checking out: Omar & the Howlers at B.B. King's, Preston Shannon at Black Diamond on Beale, James Govan at Rum Boogie, John Kilzer at the Flying Saucer, the Simple Ones at The Map Room, and I'm not sure who's playing, but there's live music at the new Martinoya's Southside Saloon, which just opened in the space formerly occupied by the South End.

saturday, october 25

And there's yet more live music today. This afternoon's Blues Harvest is an outdoor concert by past and present winners of the Blues Society talent contest. And later, the Four Tops are playing down at Sam's Town Casino. At The Orpheum tonight, Ballet Memphis is performing Stravinsky's The Firebird, as well as Patsy & Hank, a new work inspired by Patsy Cline and Hank Williams, and a new work by the choreography duo Shapiro and Smith. Tonight's biggest bash by far, however, is High Hats and High Heels VI, a huge Hollywood-themed Halloween shindig at the Mid-South Fairgrounds Shelby County Building; it's one of the best parties of the year in Memphis, and proceeds benefit Friends for Life.

sunday, october 26

And today's Day After Brunch at Maxwell's is a continuation of the party, with a great menu, cash bar, and live entertainment. Seatings at 11:15 a.m., and 1 and 2:30 p.m. There's also an opening reception today at Memphis College of Art for "Communigraphics 1997: Bridging the Gap." And just next door at Memphis Brooks Museum of Art, the Brooks Film Series feature is Alfred Hitchcock's The Man Who Knew Too Much.

monday, october 27

Well, I didn't think anyone could be more offensive than me, but there's a band playing at Barristers tonight called The Diarrhea of Anne Frank. I think I'm actually speechless. And at Young Avenue Deli, check out Caliente, a new salsa band that's an offshoot of the fabulous Memphis Jazz Orchestra.

tuesday, october 28

Bite me.

wednesday, october 30

Oh, just go to Sidestreet Grill and don't write me any nasty notes on cocktail napkins. Or do. Or don't. Who cares? As always, I really couldn't care less what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can get Shelley Winters to appear as guest host at the High Hats and High Heels party, then I'm sure I don't want to go through the agony of actually having to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this pit and go check the mail. I'm still waiting on that new gerbil joke.