by Tim Sampson

thursday, november 6

Little did I know, but October 26th through November 2nd was Pornography Awareness Week, as deemed by the American Family Association, that truly bizarre outfit run by Donald Wildmon down in Tupelo. I learned this because someone sent me a copy of the AFA Journal, an extremely entertaining little publication that everyone should read. And you can shop from it as well. For one thing, you can order AFA's "Faithful & True Starter Kit," which enables you to start your own support group for those who are "struggling with sexual fantasies, pornography, adultery, prostitution, voyeurism, masturbation, exhibitionism, phone sex, and other such temptations." Yes, for just $35, you get a workbook, leader's guide, and a press release, and you'll never again veer from "the ability to be sexual only as an expression of emotional and spiritual intimacy in a heterosexual Christian marriage." I guess that would rule out ordering something I saw an ad for in Boston magazine, which reads, "Do you have trouble reaching orgasm? Then order THE TONGUE -- a Sizzling Substitute. Designed by a woman for women. This incredible product duplicates oral sex with absolute perfection by providing real live movement and tireless rhythm. Forget your numbing vibrator. This amazing wonder has 5 orgasmic speeds." I doubt that the AFA knows about this, so if you think they should, you can order one for $39.95 by calling 1-800-690-5239 and send it to the AFA at P.O. Drawer 2440, Tupelo, MS, 38803. I know they would appreciate it. While the AFA newsletter has plenty more to say about pornography, they do cover other areas. One article is dedicated to spanking. They're for it. Which may not make sense at first -- opposed to sexual fantasy but supportive of spanking (go figure) -- but upon a closer read, the article is really about how it is appropriate to discipline children by spanking them, starting at 18 months old. Then there's an article titled "The gnats are swarming around Dumbo," the content of which is so weird I'm not even sure what its message is. Then there's an article about "spamming." Spamming, the AFA explains, is the process of pornographers -- and advertisers peddling gasoline credit cards, vacations, and weight-loss programs -- dumping unwanted "morally corrupt garbage" anonymously into millions of e-mail accounts every day. It says that most "spammers" have fake return addresses and even if one is real and you send a return message telling them to take you off their list the problem just gets worse: "The spammers have computer robots that treat any return message as an opportunity to identify a new active e-mail address. Then the robots put the address of the person complaining on more and more spam lists." Sounds to me like someone is suffering from a case of multiple potted-meat personality. It even points out that you can be spammed on an airplane. (I promise on Joan Crawford's grave that I am not making this up.) I can see next month's newsletter: "AFA President Spammed by The Tongue En Route to Disney Boycott." Which brings us to the bulk of the newsletter's message: Boycott everything in life -- from Lipton Tea to KFC to Q-Tips, Vaseline, and Taco Bell. And just because they advertise on television shows that mention homosexuality. One of their "reviews" of such shows is a blurb about an episode of The Simpsons, in which, they say, "Homer -- and his equally ignorant, redneck drinking buddies -- are portrayed as irrational, unenlightened, pathetic homophobes." Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle puce? And as for Disney, from the AFA list of movies to boycott: 101 Dalmatians, Aladdin, Bambi, Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, and (drum roll, please) That Darn Cat. All of this under the header: "Disney `leading the pack' in pro-homosexual movies." I guess they would just roll over and die if Disney were to do a remake of DICK van DYKE. At any rate, I suggest you all get on the mailing list for this little publication, lest you accidentally let your children watch a movie about lesbian deer. In the meantime, here's just a sampling of what's kicking around town this week. There are two opening-night performances in the theatre world tonight: Romeo Romeo, a murder mystery by the Emerald Theatre Company opens at Theatreworks; and The Actor's Nightmare and Sister Ignatius Explains It All For You, two-one acts plays by Christopher Durang, open at Rhodes College's McCoy Theatre. Or if you want to knock a few back and help out a worthy cause, there's a Wine Tasting to Benefit Special Kids at Harrah's Entertainment Employee Center on Cherry Road, with Robert Mondavi Coastal Wines and good eats from local restaurants served by celebrity hosts.

friday, november 7

Just one art opening tonight; it's at Lisa Kurts Gallery for an exhibit of works by Glen Holland. Tonight also opens the two-night performance of Tango X 2 at the Germantown Performing Arts Centre, a blend of dance, theatre, and music tracing the tango from its origins in Buenos Aires. Later, at midnight, there's the first-Friday-of-the-month Freak Engine at Theatreworks, a show of improv comedy, dance, performance art, music, and more. And for yet more comedy, Sinbad is doing his shtick down at Sam's Town Casino tonight. And if you want to help out a real religious organization, go down to today's St. Patrick's Church Annual Bazaar (11 a.m.-9 p.m.), where there will be crafts, games for kids, a country store, and lasagna and lunch and dinner. I've always known St. Pat's was a very cool, progressive church, but now I'm told by a reliable source that the congregation is even free of Republicans. Shoot, I might even have to stop by.

saturday, november 8

Talk about both ends of the spectrum (and notice that I didn't make a rectum joke). Tonight's Memphis Symphony Ball: A Salute to Broadway will find The Peabody transformed into a Broadway-themed, glitz-and-glamour palace, with dinner, dancing, a cigar room, entertainment by the symphony and several Broadway stars, and more. At $250 a person, it should be some party. As should tonight's J-Wag's 32nd Anniversary Party, where there will be plenty of entertainment as well (please read the feature on the party in this issue and pay special attention to the quote from Hettie McDaniel). No cover charge, and all bartenders' and drag queens' tips benefit Loving Arms, an organization that helps infants with HIV/AIDS. And for a concert that's liable to have people dancing in the pews, O'Landa Draper & the Associates are performing tonight at First Baptist Church.

sunday, november 9

The Memphis Jazz Orchestra at the Center for Southern Folklore.

monday, november 10

Go to Old Zinnie's for $2 burgers and be sure to tell Bill Baker I mentioned his sorry name in print.

tuesday, november 11

Spam me.

wednesday, november 12

It's finally here. Andrew Lloyd Webber's blockbuster musical, Phantom of the Opera, opens tonight at The Orpheum. And if you're downtown at lunchtime today, the Calvary and the Arts Series concert at Calvary Episcopal Church is by the Reba Russell Band. And that, as they say, is that. As always, you can do any, all, or none of these things. I don't care what you do, because I don't even know you, and unless you can get my cat to stop staring at me during all of her waking hours, I'm sure I don't want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this puke pit and go send the AFA a letter about the two raccoons I saw having sex the other night, so they can boycott nature.