by Tim Sampson

thursday, december 18

Hmm. I guess this must fall under the “just when you thought you’d heard everything” category. I’m talking about that poor seventh-grade girl in Tipton County who got suspended from Munford Middle School for dying her hair orange, which, says the school’s principal, “disrupted the educational process.” Please. Have you ever spent much time in Tipton County? I have. And I can guarantee you that orange hair ought to be the least of their worries. I haven’t seen a picture, so I don’t know what kind of cut the orange-haired girl has, but I’ve seen some bleached, fried blondes up there with that leftover mutant Farrah Fawcett cut, which is far more disrupting than any mere hair color. Not to mention the “freeze.” The freeze is a type of hairdo which involves sculpting the hair into a very stiff, large entity atop the head, which remains motionless for up to several weeks and can’t be washed. I’ve seen some freezes that bore a striking resemblance to Mount Rushmore, and was told by a co-worker that a fellow student of hers at the University of Memphis regularly wore her freeze in the shape of a pineapple, sprouting leaves on top and all. And my co-worker friend had no trouble graduating. I’m afraid that personally, I would have found such a look disrupting, only because of the sheer fabulousness of it all – and the fact that it would have made me feel compelled to put down the books and listen to Patti LaBelle. And I can think of much worse ways to disrupt class. In fact, believe it or not, I once got in trouble for disrupting class. It was during the one year I was forced to attend a private school, a Baptist school where we had to attend religion classes. And in these religion classes, the teachers taught stories from the Bible – wild tales about miracles and such – as if they were fact. I guess it only took about two weeks of me asking the teachers to “prove it” that they were on the phone with my mom telling her that I was disrupting their class. About which she said to me, “Look, just sit in the back of the class and think about something else. And don’t get caught smoking on campus. I’ve already paid the tuition. Besides, you’re only 13.” But back to the Tipton County girl. She was told that she could return to school if she changed her hair back to “an appropriate color.” What I’d like to know is, exactly what is “an appropriate color” in Tipton County, an area in fairly close proximity to Frayser? Are there any codes of regulation regarding peroxide? I bet there’s been enough washed down the sinks of that area to make the drinking water useful in preventing infection from cuts. And what about the size of the hair? I bet there’s a rule that you can’t be a cheerleader at that school unless your fly-backs are several inches wider than your waist. It probably gets dangerous when they all crawl up on top of each other into one of those human pyramids, all that big hair weighting everyone down and getting in each others’ eyes. I’d be surprised (sadly) to learn that all that hair has never made them topple over onto the ground. I can see the headline now: “TOO MUCH GYPSY SHAG CAUSES PEP SQUAD TO FALL; THREE CRUSHED TO DEATH, OTHERS INJURED BY HAIR.” But let that 12-year-old girl dye her hair orange – which, I might add, is at least a color found in nature – and they act like the whole student body is going to go to hell in a handbasket. I think it’s ridiculous. Almost as shocking as yet another “just when you think you’ve heard everything” story I ran across in one of my favorite periodicals the other day, an article claiming that raw bacon can cure a horrible disease that causes maggots to hatch under your skin. Isn’t that nice? At least if it ever happens to you, you’ll know what to do. In the meantime, if you feel like dying your hair orange and stepping out on the town, here’s a little sampler of what’s going on this week. Tonight’s big event, of course, is the concert at the Mid-South Coliseum by The Three Sopranos – Cynthia Lawrence, Kathleen Cassello, and our very own, very lovely Kallen Esperian. Another Memphian, Rob Bowman, will be at Davis-Kidd Booksellers this afternoon signing copies of his new book, Soulsville, U.S.A.: The Story of Stax Records. And yet another lovely Memphian, Reba Russell, is having an album-release party tonight at the Black Diamond on Beale Street. Also on Beale tonight, at Alfred’s, is the Rock 103 Annual MDA Christmas Special in Memory of Tom Hackenberger, with live performances by Nora Burns and the Lucky Strike Band, Gary Hardy and the Sun Studio Trio, Homemade Flavor, Dennis Phillippi, the Buonis, John Kilzer, Jimmy Davis, Junkyard Men, Cornbread Mafia, and Reba Russell (she’s going to be some kind of busy that night).

friday, december 19

There’s one art opening tonight; well, sort of an opening/closing. It’s the final show at Young Street Gallery, which is closing in January, and the show is an exhibit of works by several local artists who’ve shown there over the years. Tonight is also opening night of Ballet Memphis’ The Nutcracker at The Orpheum, the full-length version of Tchaikovsky’s classic holiday ballet. I’m sure there are lots of other wonderful holiday events going on, so have at it. I’ll be dressed in black.

saturday, december 20

And speaking of holiday events, tonight’s WMFS 92.9 Christmas Party at the New Daisy features live music by Seven Dust, Cool for August, Fu Manchu, and Jimmie’s Chicken Shack; proceeds benefit St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. For pool fans, today kicks off the two-day Invitational 9-Ball Pool Tournament at High Pockets, with 64 players competing for $1,010 in prizes. Later, if you’re in the mood for live music, head down to Automatic Slim’s for a show by Paul Burlison, “The Wild Man of Rock-and-Roll,” and Johnny Burnette. Both were around in the Fifties heyday of the beginning of rock-and-roll, and have had their songs covered by everyone from Aerosmith to the Yardbirds. And according to a recent article in Guitar Player magazine, the music they’re playing now is as wild and woolly as ever. Go see them.

sunday, december 21

And if that isn’t nostalgic enough for you, check out tonight’s George Klein’s Annual Christmas Show & Auction at Elvis Presley’s Memphis, with Jerry Lee Lewis, Rufus Thomas, Ronnie McDowell, Kevin Paige, the Hombres, and the Memphis Horns; benefits The Food Bank. And don’t forget that just down the street, the Memphis Jazz Orchestra is playing at the Center for Southern Folklore.

monday, december 22

Oh, I just don’t know. You could help out The Food Bank today at a cookbook signing at the Rolling Pin Kitchen Emporium, where chefs who contributed to A Taste of Memphis will be on hand to autograph copies. Or you could go have $2 burgers at Old Zinnie’s during Monday Night Football. Or you could have a little holiday cheer at Margarita Monday at Molly’s La Casita or at Martini Monday at Side Street Grill. Or you could just bite me.

tuesday, december 21

Oh, I just don’t know. Go down to Alfred’s on Beale and hear Roy Brewer. What a guy.

wednesday, december 22

Oh, I just don’t know. It’s Christmas Eve, so you’ll probably be with your families. So just do whatever you like. As always, I don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can assure me that Mark Wahlberg is going to win an Oscar for Boogie Nights, then I’m sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this puke pit and go have some presents delivered to Munford Middle School: a Chia Head for every classroom. And you thought I had no holiday spirit. n