by Tim Sampson
thursday, february 26
You know, it’s not like we don’t already have enough to worry about. As if it’s not hard enough already to deal with raccoons in the attic, a car whose dashboard system verbally scolds me, a CD player that plays CDs that aren’t in it, a Time Warner Cablevision remote control that was obviously hand-picked for me because I must have a slaughtered a small nation – or purchased a Kenny G. record – in a past life, a drawer full of watches that will run when in the drawer but come to staggering halt once on my wrist, a cat who scratches the blood out of my bald pate as a wake-up/feed-me call and then rolls her eyes and walks away when I put the little dish of Fancy Feast out for her, a lint collection in my laundry room that is beginning to look like something you might see in National Geographic, and getting junk mail every day with offers for cures for everything from erection problems to obesity … now we have the FBI falsely telling us that people are running around with enough anthrax to wipe out entire cities, that people with alcohol-related liver disease are at high risk of getting poisoned by eating raw oysters (and I loved them so much), and that Paula Jones has come forth with new and even more damaging testimony in her sexual-harassment suit against the president. And as much as I hate to keep harping on this, the new twist is merely more proof that the whole case is a waste of taxpayers’ money and time. Why? Because she revised her original story and is now telling the court that then-Governor Bill Clinton not only asked her for oral sex, but “put his hand under her culottes” to try to reach her crotch, as reported by The Washington Post. Now. Can anyone guess why this is so damaging to Jones? Is it because she changed her story, obviously told to do so by the people who are out to get Clinton? No. Because reaching at her crotch is a much worse offense than just asking for oral sex? No. Because, so she says, he tried to keep her from leaving the hotel room? No. Of course not. The answer is quite simple: It is because she admitted to wearing culottes. This did not happen during the Seventies, when Mary Tyler Moore was helping set the standard for fashion for American women, and wearing culottes was not a sign of severe mental illness or sheer stupidity. This happened in the Nineties, when anyone who dares to wear culottes ought to expect to be ridiculed and branded as a psychotic liar, not to mention be forced to wear a scarlet “C” on her forehead. It is absurd, and grounds for dismissing every good-grammar-defying word of her testimony. Which really wouldn’t matter, because even if The Nose goes away, they’re still going to drive the president nuts with all that Monica Lewinsky crap. If I were him, I’d just tell everybody to mind their own business. Have a press conference and tell the media, “Yeah, I had oral sex with her. So what? And she’s going to have two kids by me and we’re going to name them Bob and Neal! So bite me! And, hey, how many presidents do you think it takes to screw in a light bulb? Just me; I’ll screw anything! Come here, little reporter. Ever seen a presidential snake?” Maybe if he would just come out and tell everybody to get a life, he could do his job and figure out a way to broadcast photos of Saddam Hussein – in drag and dancing with Tattoo from Fantasy Island – across the Iraqi airwaves, and shut that pig up once and for all. Until then, however, there’s just more to worry about, so let me try to take my mind off things and get around to what’s going on around town this week. Tonight, you’re in luck if you’re in the mood for theatre. The Tony-award winning musical Pippin opens at the Poplar Pike Playhouse; while Heart Strings is showing at Theatreworks, and The Colored Museum, a comedy-drama about racial stereotypes, opens at the University of Memphis. The Six That Got Away film festival continues at Memphis College of Art, a series of movies shown briefly, if at all, in Memphis; tonight’s feature is the acclaimed Raise the Red Lantern. Downtown at The Arcade, there’s a Johnny Cash Birthday Party. There’s an opening gala tonight for this weekend’s Madonna Circle Antique, Garden, and Gourmet Show at the Mid-South Fairgrounds’ Shelby County Building, with proceeds benefiting the Exchange Club Family Center. And the really big show of the night is down in Robinsonville at Horseshoe Casino, where Booker T. & the MG’s are in concert on the Bluesville Stage.
friday, february 27
And there’s plenty more theatre, art, and music tonight. Driving Miss Daisy (someday
I am going to do that remake, Driving Miss Thing) opens tonight at Collierville’s
Harrell Performing Arts Theatre, while To Kill a Mockingbird opens at Playhouse on the
Square. There are two art openings tonight: One, which was accidentally listed in
Steppin’ Out last week with the wrong date, is a reception at Memphis College of Art
for a show of works by Erneice Brode (it really is happening tonight, we promise), and the
other is at Cooper Street Gallery for an exhibit by Jay Etkin and Rob van der Schoor. As
for live music, back at Horseshoe Casino’s Bluesville Stage Three Dog Night is in
concert, and Diamond Rio with guest Rick Trevino is at Sam’s Town. Back at home, G.
Love and Special Sauce with opening act Royal Fingerbowl are at the New Daisy. And for
opera fans, the New York City Opera is performing The Daughter of the Regiment at
Germantown Performing Arts Centre. Finally, if you want to see the coolest new cars on the
market, go out to Agricenter International for the First Memphis New Car Dealers Auto
& Truck Show
saturday, february 28
If you’ve been missing The Bouffants, who haven’t played a public gig in about six months, they’re playing tonight at Elvis Presley’s Memphis. And if you haven’t been to the hot new lunch restaurant downtown, check out tonight’s special McEwen’s Dinner to Benefit Hands On Memphis, with a menu that includes shrimp remoulade, crab cakes, Oysters Rockefeller soup, grillades of beef on Parmesan cheese grits, and more. And for a really good time to help out yet another worthy cause, the beautiful, funny, very sweet, and very talented (just leave the cash in the same bag in the same place, Kallen) Kallen Esperian is giving a benefit concert of opera selections at The Orpheum tonight, along with the Memphis Vocal Arts Ensemble and members of the Memphis Symphony Orchestra, conducted by Tom Machen, all to benefit St. Jude. We do love that Kallen.
sunday, march 1
And what Kallen Esperian is to opera, O’Landa Draper & the Associates are to gospel, and they’re playing this afternoon at the Hard Rock Cafe. Other than that, you’re on your own.
monday, march 2
Caliente at Young Avenue Deli.
tuesday, march 3
Opening night of The King and I at The Orpheum. Boxing on Beale at the New Daisy. Opening day of Jazz Week at the U of M.
wednesday, march 4
Check out Movie Night at Java Cabana, Pub Quiz at Kudzu’s, or stay home and drown flies and then pour salt on them to bring them back to life. As always, I really don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and I really don’t care what you do this weekend, because I’ll be in New York slung up at the Cafe Carlyle listening to Eartha Kitt. So there’s really nothing more I have to say. n