by Tim Sampson

thursday, april 23

First of all, let me apologize for a mistake in last week’s column. Somehow I got confused (imagine that) and wrote that Dixie Carter would be appearing at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens, when she was actually appearing at the Hunt-Phelan Home. Sorry about that. Guess another brain cell was in the process of biting the dust. Either that, or I was simply too distracted by that photograph of Paula Jones on the front page of The Commercial Appeal. You know, the one where she was boo-hooing at the press conference while announcing she would appeal Judge Susan Webber Wright’s ruling that threw her case against Clinton out of court – which, as you’ll recall, happened on April Fool’s Day; just try to ignore the coincidence in that. While trying to read a statement prepared by someone who had the good sense to not use the phrase, “He come over here and asked me to kiss it,” her face was so contorted that her chin took on the appearance of raw biscuit dough that someone had been poking with a stick. But at least she’s back, and I can’t wait to see what happens with the appeal. Although if I were her, I think I’d save those legal fees and instead of appealing her case, get a good chemical peel that might shave off a few inches from that nose. And I’d definitely stay away from banana peels, because she already too closely resembles a spider monkey. And isn’t it ironic that at about the same time she’s appealing her case, so are the cattlemen who lost their suit against Oprah Winfrey, alleging that she harmed their business by making some remarks on her show about mad-cow disease? So let’s see. Mad-cow disease, Paula Jones. Paula Jones, mad-cow disease. I think there’s the potential here for something really exciting to happen: Mad Paula Disease. Can you see the poor cows with this terrible plague? Having their owners do whatever it is she does to damage their hair (yes, the bad perm has been straightened, but what about the Quiet Touch action she has going on now?) Walking through airports smiling that ridiculous smile she sports in front of cameras, even though she claims this whole sexual-harassment thing has ruined her life. Having to moo in a style of grammar that defies explanation. At least there would be this solace: Instead of people using the derogatory phrase, “You’re nothing but a cow,” the cattle could get a break and hear people saying, “You’re nothing but a Paula.” Finally, a cow’s revenge. In the meantime, I guess it’s that time again, time to get around to what’s going on this week. And this week isn’t looking too bad. Tonight, Noises Off opens on the Main Stage at Theatre Memphis. The Voices Dance Concert at the U of M’s Main Theatre features dance performances by U of M students, Project: Motion, and guest artists. Tonight’s feature film in the Brooks Film Series at Memphis Brooks Museum of Art is Port of Call, an early Bergman film. Frankie Valli is in concert on the Bluesville Stage at Horseshoe Casino. And if you want to do your part in helping out a worthy cause, go to tonight’s 27th Annual Steak N’ Burger Dinner at Woodland Hills, a fund-raiser for the Boys & Girls Clubs of Greater Memphis, where you eat the burgers and the kids eat the steaks, and everyone can listen to the keynote speaker, Olympic gold medalist Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

friday, april 24

And there are art happenings a-plenty tonight. There’s an opening reception for one of my favorite artists, Lurlynn Franklin, tonight at Cooper Street Gallery. At the University of Memphis Art Museum there’s a reception for the MFA thesis exhibit, while over at the University’s Fogelman Executive Center there’s an opening reception for an exhibit of photography by Howard Berg. And speaking of photography, one of the people who made it an art form in Memphis, Murray Riss, is conducting a two-day workshop at Memphis College of Art, which starts tonight; he’ll be discussing the past, present, and future of photographic art, and he’s one of the nicest guys in the world, so go hear him. And speaking of nice people, tonight’s All Fired Up at Ledbetter Lusk Gallery is a Planned Parenthood fund-raiser during which local artists and celebrities will be painting Carol DeForest’s handmade platters and vases to be auctioned off. Back in the world of theatre, the Memphis Black Repertory Theatre’s Master Harold . . . and the Boys opens its run at TheatreWorks. As for live music, we’ve got that too. Today kicks off the two-day 7th Annual Crossroads Music Exposition, a music-industry bash during which signed and unsigned bands play in nearly all of the clubs on Beale Street for label executives to hear; there are also panels, workshops, and other business-related events. John Berry is doing a fund-raising concert tonight at Sam’s Town Casino for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. And Christopher Cross opens a two-night gig back at the Horseshoe Casino’s Bluesville stage.

saturday, april 25

And there’s yet more art and music today. There’s an opening reception at Rhodes College’s Clough-Hanson Gallery for the senior thesis exhibition; a reception at Java Cabana for a show of works by Charlie Agnew and Tom Delaney; and at Playhouse on the Square, it’s the 21st Annual Original Art Auction to benefit Playhouse’s educational programs; the evening includes silent and live auctions of artworks, cocktails, and a buffet from Lulu Grille. Another fund-raiser worth checking out is the 10th Annual Midtown Rhythm & Blues Party at Askew Nixon Ferguson Architects, a benefit for the Porter-Leath Children’s Center, featuring a cash bar, food, and live music by Come in Berlin and the Southern Lights Band. And last but not least, today and tomorrow at the Memphis Fairgrounds is the Mid-South Cat Fanciers Show; I would enter my own feline beauty, but I’m afraid being around other, much inferior, cats would be a bad influence on her.

sunday, april 26

And those fund-raisers just keep on coming. If you’re in the mood for some great seafood and a lot of fun, head to Palm Court in Overton Square today for Polly’s Clambake, a benefit chow-down party for the Memphis Family Shelter. And at Memphis Botanic Garden, the 22nd Annual Crisis Center Celebrity Brunch & Auction to benefit the Crisis Center suicide hotline features an all-you-can-eat brunch buffet cooked up by local celebrities. An art exhibit by Sowgand Sheikholeflami opens at 3 p.m. at Maxwell’s. And if you’re a fan of Wynonna, you won’t want to miss her tonight down at Sam’s Town Casino.

monday, april 27

I would say there’s nothing to do tonight other than knocking a few back at your favorite watering hole, but I noticed in the paper that Jackie Brown is indeed still playing, at Malco’s Apple Tree Cinema.

tuesday, april 28

Ditto.

wednesday, april 29

I’m not sure exactly what this is, but I like the title: 16 Selfish Bastards Present Theatre In A Biscuit, not the story of Paula Jones’ chin when she’s weeping, but a student-produced evening at Rhodes College’s McCoy Theatre, which includes scripted sketches, movement pieces, and improvisations. Other than that, you’re on your own. Actually, you’re on your own anyway, as far as I’m concerned. I really don’t care what you do this week, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can convince E! to run their Fashion File 24 hours a day, then I’m sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this dump and go for a drive in the country. I absolutely cannot wait to see a herd of cattle standing around in culottes. n