by Tim Sampson

thursday, may 7

I usually (okay, always) sleep on the sofa with the television on. I don’t know why. Even as a child, there had to be noise to enable me to sleep – a fan, the vacuum cleaner, the phonograph repeatedly playing “Valerie” by the Monkees. I can’t explain it. I’m sure it’s linked to some traumatic event that took place when I was a baby, and I’ve never been able to remember it. I guess that could explain a lot. Not why I chose to eat cold pizza and boiled okra for dinner the other night, but a lot. There is a point to this, and I’ll now get to it. This morning when I awoke on the sofa to the images and sound of television, it was the WMC Wake-up Call show, and the very first thing I encountered as I opened my eyes was a story about a 900-pound man who was arrested for luring young boys to his home and making them watch porno movies. I didn’t catch his name, but my buddy Kym Clark reported that he was also known as “Eartha Quake.” How she said that without falling out of her chair, I will never know. It was then reported that it took numerous officers to get Eartha out of his bed and into a squad car – or some other specialty vehicle, I suppose, designed for transporting groups of people. They also showed some tonnage – oops, I mean footage – of Eartha piled up in his bed about half-covered, and, well, let’s just say that the mental images of this man surrounded by young boys watching porno flicks will forever be burned into my psyche. Like I need more. And I wonder if the media have any idea that they do this to people. Or if anyone else sees these things and involuntarily commits them to memory. Like the image of Monica Lewinsky giving Bill Clinton the old you-know-what in the Oval Office. All I have to say about her is that she’s doing a great job of keeping her mouth shut to withhold evidence. (Think about that one for just a minute; are those cheeks naturally that full-looking?) Well, I do have one more thing to say about her, or at least repeat about her what someone else said. In a commentary in the online magazine Salon, rabid feminist Camille Paglia – who is right up there with Bay Buchanan at being so vile as to induce projectile vomiting on cue among anyone looking at them or listening to anything they have to say on any topic – wrote this about Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky: “Based on my long study of pornographic pictures and videos, I can easily see why Paula Jones would instantly produce a fantasy of oral sex.” She actually wrote that, with her own name on it. Maybe it did it for her, but for the rest of the human world, I really don’t think so. And here is her logic: “Well, I can see very clearly that she has this big mouth and a lot of teeth, and there’s a sort of slackness about her jaw – which is what women porn stars develop then they learn how to relax their jaw muscles to perform oral sex. I think that Paula Jones was at every stage a walking, talking advertisement for oral sex! So I was stunned when I first saw the pictures of Monica Lewinsky on TV – the big wide smile, the nicely relaxed lips with all those teeth, and I thought, Oh my God, here we go again!” And there you have it, in Paglia’s own words – not to mention the overuse of exclamation marks. So according to her, all of you women out there with a slacked jaw and lots of teeth are seasoned oral-sex maniacs. I guess it’s a good thing men can grow mustaches to hide the stretch marks. And because this is getting more hideous by the second, I’ll just shut up and get on with what’s going on around town this week. If you haven’t seen STOMP yet at The Orpheum, it’s playing tonight through Sunday. On the other side of town, at the Germantown Performing Arts Centre, tonight kicks off a three-night performance by the Portuguese Gulbenkian Ballet. Or if you just want to enjoy the spring weather and have a few cocktails, check out Nancy Apple on the patio at Elvis Presley’s Memphis, along with the Afflictions

friday, may 8

There are a couple of art openings tonight: One is at Ledbetter Lusk Gallery for an exhibit by Tim Crowder and Marjorie Guyon; the other is for “Focus Your Attention” at the Memphis Edge Gallery at Young Avenue and New York Street. If you’re in the mood for some flawless Greek food, this morning starts the two-day 40th Annual It’s Greek To Me! Food Festival and Bazaar at Annunciation Greek Orthodox Church, with food, music, dancing, and more. Another international event is tonight’s Uma Noite Encantada International Reception and Gala, a Memphis in May wing-ding at The Peabody with Portuguese cuisine, wine, and fashion show. As for live music, there’s Tanya Tucker at Sam’s Town, the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band at Horseshoe Casino’s Bluesville club, Saliva at Six-1-Six, the Reba Russell Band at Patrick’s, the Grifters and Edith Frost at Barristers, Laundry Room Squelchers and the Diarrhea of Anne Frank at 296 Monroe, and a whole bunch of other bands playing around town that you can look up yourself in the “After Dark” listings. I’m tired and running out of space.

saturday, may 9

Which means the rest of this is going to be brief. Art: opening reception at Playhouse on the Square for “Wild Kingdom,” a new exhibit by Daphne Hewett. There’s also a European Street Painting Festival at Saddle Creek. Good-cause event: “Flea Fair” and Bake Sale at Chickasaw Plaza to benefit the Memphis Humane Society. Another good-cause event: Moth Ball at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens, a benefit for NUMBER: with live entertainment, an auction, buffet, cash bar, and fashion show. Music: Molly Hatchet at Fitzgerald’s Casino; Alicia Merritt at Kudzu’s; the New Memphis Hep Cats at The Map Room, and a whole bunch of other bands playing around town.

sunday, may 10

It’s Mother’s Day. Take Mom to brunch and hear O’Landa Draper at the Hard Rock. Or to an opening reception at the Memphis Jewish Community Center for a show of works by Israeli artist Calman Shemi. Or to Mother’s Day at the Garden at Memphis Botanic Garden, being held in conjunction with the World of Plants festival. Or to brunch at Elvis Presley’s Memphis to hear Sons of Wonder, followed by a tour of the Hunt-Phelan Home (whew, got it right that time). Or to any of the bunch of clubs that have live music – including open-mike night at the Barefoot Lounge in Frayser. Yowza.

monday, may 11

Orchestra Caliente at Young Avenue Deli.

tuesday, may 12

Dance: Ballet Magnificat! and Classical Ballet Memphis at Germantown Performing Arts Centre.

wednesday, may 13

Film: Brooks Film Series feature – Hour of the Star. And that’s it. Except to say that, as always, I really don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you actually go to the Barefoot Lounge and videotape open-mike night, I’m sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this maggot ranch and inform Ms. Paglia that a slack jaw and lots of teeth does not make up for a face that could re-route a river.