by Tim Sampson

thursday, may 14

I thought I’d heard just about everything – including a conversation I had with three total strangers with whom I ended up driving in a car in the wee hours of the morning recently in another state. Three sequined sweatshirt-clad women (10 bucks and what’s left of my hair says they all wear decorative fake antlers at Christmastime) from northern Missouri with very harsh Midwestern accents, who all talked at the same time about a number of fascinating topics, including one discussion about the prices at the drugstore, which prompted one of these women I’d never before laid eyes on to proclaim that when they went up on her psoriasis medicine at Walgreen’s, she told them that they could just “just kiss my patoot!” (You have to have heard the accent and nuance to appreciate the true, surreal horror of this, not to mention be operating on only two hours’ sleep; we’ll just skip the details on this one.) Like I said, I thought I’d heard just about everything, including a story my little brother relayed to me the other day about being at a Wal-Mart in Arkansas, and while checking out, the woman in line in front of him, out of the blue, turned to her husband and shouted in an angry and perturbed tone, “I did too shave my legs this morning!” Like I said, I thought I’d heard everything, including when I was in my favorite little neighborhood haunt a few weeks ago and a fairly normal-looking gentleman walked in and said to the bartender, “I’m conducting an experiment. Would you please sell me 22 cents worth of draft beer and put it in this Hawaiian Punch can?” which, we gathered, indeed still had Hawaiian Punch in it. Like I said, I thought I’d heard everything, including when I attempted to walk into Kinko’s not long ago, and a fairly abnormal-looking man started following me, repeating in a very determined tone, “Genesis. Genesis. Genesis. Genesis. Genesis. Yep. Genesis.” Thinking that he was probably some kind of mentally challenged religious zealot, I was waiting for him to launch into a spiel about the end of the world coming because of abortion and homosexuality and adultery. Or because he’d seen the Virgin Mary appear on a Krystal bun (hell, I think I’ve seen that). Instead, as he finally cornered me and forced me to make eye contact with him, he proclaimed, “Yep. Genesis. You look just like the lead singer from Genesis! Can I have 35 cents?” All I could think was, This guy has just told me that I look like Phil Collins and he wants money from me?!! I just gave him the money, walked away, and got depressed. Like I said, I thought I’d heard everything. But I guess I haven’t. I know you probably thought there was going to be some point to this, but you know, sometimes life just doesn’t work out that way. So there’s not. And there’s not much anyone can do about it, now, is there? So here we go with the real point of all this: what’s going on around town this week. And a fun-filled week it’s going to be. First of all, if you’re reading this early, on Wednesday the 13th, there’s a booksigning tonight at Davis-Kidd by Memphian Cassandra Webster, who’ll be autographing copies of Mother Africa’s Table, which she compiled with the National Council of Negro Women. I haven’t had a chance to read the book yet, but Cassandra is so lovely, I’m sure the book is as well. Today, Thursday, of course, kicks off this weekend’s big Memphis in May World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest, during which more than 250 teams will be cooking up everything from whole hogs to hot wings, with lots of themes, costume contests, and other pig-related events. There will also be live entertainment; country star Mark Collie is on the main stage tonight. Tonight is also opening night of “In Every Corner” at TheatreWorks by the modern dance company Project:Motion, whose dancers will perform works by Seattle choreographer Juliet Waller and others. If you’re downtown tonight at the BBQ fest and want to get out of the maddening crowd and hear some live music, here are just a few options: junkyardmen at Black Diamond; The Daddy Mack Blues Band at the Center for Southern Folklore; the Preston Shannon Band at Blues City Cafe; John Kilzer at High Point Pinch; RiverBluff Clan at Martinoya’s Southside Saloon; and the Velcro Pygmies at the Sunset Serenade party atop The Peabody hotel.

friday, may 15

Couple of art openings tonight. One is for “DRIVE THROUGH” at Marshall Arts; the first two hours are “drive-through” only, with a tailgate reception outside. As for music, there’s Stabbing Westward with opening act Feeder at the New Daisy; country star Billy Dean at Horseshoe Casino; Sideman Syndicate and the Mudflaps at B.B. King’s; Ian Moore at the Hard Rock; String Kings at The Arcade; and probably a lot more that I don’t know about.

saturday, may 16

Here’s a change of pace: an art closing. Yes, today is commencement day for the BFA students at Memphis College of Art, and the featured speaker is Rosanne Cash.There’s also an opening reception at Lisa Kurts Gallery for an exhibition of works by Georgia O’Keeffe and several other artists. If you’re into orchids, don’t miss today’s 14th Annual Orchid Show & Sale at Memphis Botanic Gardens. If you’re into China, don’t miss today’s China Fair at the First Chinese Baptist Church, with lion dances, martial arts, calligraphy, fashions, acupuncture and herbal medicines, and Chinese food (if that’s not something for everyone, I don’t know what is). And here we go again with the live music. Tonight’s Independent Music Showcase at the New Daisy will feature numerous signed and unsigned bands; Leisure Highway and the Gales Brothers are at B.B. King’s; and there’s a show at Barristers by Bumrush, Mash-o-Matic, and Clanky’s Nub.

sunday, may 17

Okay, I’m getting tired and I’m running out of space, so this is going to be quick. Back at B.B. King’s yet again, there’s today’s 4th annual Beale Street Messaround. Eric Clapton is playing at The Pyramid. And at Madison Flame there’s United We Stand, an HIV/AIDS education fund-raiser featuring female impersonators.

monday, may 18

Who the hell cares? It’s Monday.

tuesday, may 19

Bloodbath on Beale (I love saying that), which is Southern pro wrestling at the New Daisy. Brewmaster’s Dinner with lots of good food and beer at Boscos.

wednesday, may 20

Yawny, oops, I mean, Yanni is at The Pyramid tonight. So go or don’t. As always, I really don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can offer more information on the guy I mentioned last week, who was arrested for luring little boys into his room to watch porno but, more importantly, goes by the nickname Eartha Quake (would someone explain to me why this is not national news?), then I’m sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this puke pit and go make sure Phil Collins was indeed the lead singer for Genesis.