by Tim Sampson

thursday, may 21

Now I get it. At first I wondered, What in the hell is this thing, when it fell out of the Flyer last week. A little folded-up piece of paper with a lot of really small blue type on it. A lot. At first I thought they had inserted one of my credit card statements – you know, the ones you get with all the charges on it from places to which you don’t remember going? Oh. You mean, that’s just me? Well, let’s just slap a great big ol’ “nevermind” stamp on that one right now and move on. The document in question turns out to be a questionnaire/test kind of thing from the Church of Scientology. It loosely claims that by answering the questions, you can learn how to improve relationships and discover the factors about yourself that cause stress. WELL. First of all, after glancing at the type that is so small you almost need a magnifying glass, I learned that there is a staggering total of 200 questions you are supposed to answer using this code: (+) – means definitely yes or mostly yes; (m) – means maybe or uncertain, not a definite yes or no. And (-) – means definitely no or mostly no. And that is supposed to help you deal with stress? Why don’t they just hook an electroshock machine to the thing and give you three seconds to answer each question before you’re juiced? Or have Paula Jones sit across from you and put on her makeup while you take the test? It would certainly give you plenty of time – now that someone has finally taught her to at least make an attempt at the art of blending (like it’s gonna help). But back to the test. Here are just a few samples of the questions, and the way any sane person would respond. Q: Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries, just for pleasure? A: Why don’t you people go back to Hollywood where you belong? We don’t even have railway timetables here. Don’t you have anything better to do? Why are you trying to make us nuts?!!!! Q: Is your life a constant struggle for survival? A: Well, what do you think? No. It’s a friggin’ piece of cake. I love having a cable-TV remote control that was designed and assembled by the Antichrist. I love eating cabbage soup every night for a week and gaining weight. I love living in a city where 90 percent of the population has yet to firmly grasp the perplexing concept of a turn lane. No, it’s not a struggle at all. Q: Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days? A: Yes: Every time I pass a factory with a sign that reads “Plant Entrance,” all I can think about for days is a bunch of ficus trees with name badges carrying lunch boxes, filing in through the gate for work. Q: Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch? A: Duh. Everything makes mine twitch. Just the other day I was in a bar. A guy says to me, You know, all Republicans are jerks. I began to twitch and replied, I resent that remark. To which he replied, Oh, are you a Republican? To which I replied, No, I’m a jerk. Q: Are you embarrassed by a hearty greeting such as a kiss, hug, or pat on the back, if done in public? A: Yes. Especially when it’s one of those people who feel compelled to make comments before doing things like this. Like the people who walk up and say, “I need a hug,” or “Can I have a hug?” and then just do it whether you say it’s okay or not. That makes me find myself recoiling in such horror that, yes, I do get embarrassed. It’s hard not to when it’s obvious that you’re reacting as if a dog who’s been rolling in his own feces is jumping on you. Q: Could you agree to strict discipline? A: People, it just aaaallllllll depends on who’s doing the disciplining. And that’s my final word on that one. In fact, I guess as to whether that’s my final word on this test, I’d have to give it a “mostly yes.” I’ve been far too long-winded on such an inane subject, and besides, it’s just a rip-off of another test, one with almost identical, but more, questions. A test I had to take many years ago when I was, well, sent away for a little rest, shall we say. That one was a bit more thorough, and contained the question: Would you rather change the lock on a door or become a forest ranger? I’m still trying to figure that one out. In the meantime, I guess it’s that time again, time to get around to what’s going on around town this week. And it’s a good thing there’s not much, because, as usual, I seem to already be running out of space. So here’s the lowdown. Today: Opening night of Caged Vixens at TheatreWorks, a women’s-prison comic tribute to exploitation movies. Would you rather see this, or clean all the door hinges in your house with a Q-Tip? I’ll let you answer that one. There’s also this evening’s Sunset Serenade party on The Peabody’s Plantation Roof, with live music by Reba Russell. And at Horseshoe Casino tonight, it’s Dick Clark’s Good Ol’ Days of Rock & Roll Show, with the Shirelles, the Coasters, Freddy “Boom Boom” Cannon, and the Brother John Band.

friday, may 22

Opening night at Circuit Playhouse of Noel Coward’s Private Lives. Down on the river, there’s a Sunset Symphony Rehearsal Picnic, where you can dine on Portugese-style cuisine while listening to the rehearsal. Or you could sling up in the P&H and have cheeseburgers and beers while listening to the ever-out-on-a-limb (in a good way) Delta Queens.

saturday, may 23

Tonight’s big deal, of course, is the Sunset Symphony, which is symphony conductor Alan Balter’s next-to-last performance. There’s also a show at TheatreWorks this afternoon by Craig Hickman, a gay poet and performance artist. It’s also karaoke night at P.J.’s Midtown Country bar on Lamar, which, believe me, is worth the trip. There’s an Irish dance contest called the The Memphis Feis at the Adam’s Mark Hotel.

sunday, may 24

Johnnie Taylor and Tyrone Davis are in concert tonight at Sam’s Town. And the 1993 film, A Heart in Winter – nominated for nine French Academy Awards – is the feature this afternoon at the Brooks Film Series.

monday, may 25

It’s Memorial Day. Remember something.

tuesday, may 26

Who cares? You’ll be too hung-over.

wednesday, may 27

Back at the Brooks Film Series, tonight’s feature is the sizzling Jamon, Jamon, the plot of which revolves around food and sex. And there, in short order, you have it. So do what you want. As always, I couldn’t care less what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can ban any further Seinfeld remarks from my television screen, I’m certain I don’t ever want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this dive and go add a question of my own to the Church of Scientology test: Would you marry a man whom you think is a man, who’s had his nose cut down to look like a ruler and walks around with a monkey on his shoulder? Think about it.