by Tim Sampson thursday, august 20 Finally, finally, finally! The photo. Actually, the before-and-after photos. Published in last week’s Commercial Appeal. The new nose. Yes, Paula Jones’ finished, unbandaged, brand-spanking-new shnoz. A reason to live. And I must say, it doesn’t look half-bad. A vast improvement. But the poor thing. She’s still suffering from disillusions of grandeur. I’m referring to the statement she made on ABC’s Prime Time Live, when she said, “I just wanted a normal nose to match my face.” Honey. What were you thinking? Even with the new nose, I’d hardly call that face “normal.” Even in the animal kingdom, there are standards by which dogs and cats are measured. But that’s the last mean thing I’m going to say about Paula Jones. She went from looking like Miss West Memphis 1986 and living in some rinky-dink place in Arkansas, to having a new face, a new Mercedes, and an ocean-front condo in California, so more power to her. Even if it was all made possible by a bunch of right-wing snot-eating slime bags. But sometimes, you know, a girl’s simply gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, and she pulled it off. So there. I say, give her her own talk show. After a couple of really intense grammar lessons, so she doesn’t say something like, “He done come over to me and stuck his hand up my culottes.” And make her stop talking about that appeal. All that does is open her up to remarks about her not being the slightest bit appealing, needing a chemical peel in a bad way, her nose job being the equivalent of a banana being peeled and whittled down, etc., etc., etc. But I’m not going to say those things about her, because now I like her. And when you really think about it, everyone involved in all this scandal business has come out on top (no pun intended) in a way. Take Paula. A new woman, as documented above. Take Monica Lewinsky. Those photographs in Vanity Fair made her look pretty damned good. And has anyone noticed how much weight President Clinton has lost? I don’t know if it’s stress or if he’s cut back on the Quarter Pounders, but he has certainly trimmed down and is looking better than ever. So when you really think about it, everyone looks better than they did before, and that’s really all that matters. As long as you look fabulous, who cares what else is going on? And speaking of Vanity Fair, there’s an article in the September issue about popular talk show host Dr. Laura. I have never listened to Dr. Laura myself, because I work all day and don’t have time. Nor do I even like talk radio very much. I used to, when Janis Fullilove was first on the air and would be talking about abortion or the power of prayer or something important, and someone would call in and ask, and I quote, “Janis, where do Otis Higgs get his neckties?” But back to Dr. Laura. Apparently she dishes out advice to the no-lifes who call in for it, and is having her 15 minutes as some kind of guru. But the article sheds a little more light on her. It reports, among other things, that she hasn’t seen her mother in 14 years; has a sister she refuses to acknowledge; is described with quotes such as, “Everyone who knows her hates her”; and had an affair with a man who says they “went together for two g–mned solid, passionate, throbbing years, and we use to thrash around like a couple of crazed weasels. I used to call her Ku Klux, because she’s a demon between the sheets.” Well. I guess she’s one pissed-off talk-show host. But enough. As usual, I’m rambling on about things even I don’t care about. So let’s just get on with what’s going on around town this week. First of all, if you’re reading this on Wednesday, like most of you do (this would be Wednesday the 19th), let me say that I screwed up last week and gave a wrong date for the showing of Touch of Evil at the Memphis Brooks Museum of Art. Sorry. It’s actually playing tonight and Sunday. And I would hate for you to miss it. Tonight, Thursday, there’s World Music: Creating a Culture of Tolerance, an every-other-Thursday concert series at the National Civil Rights Museum; tonight’s entertainment is Celtic music by the Roses. There’s also live music in the way of Julio Iglesias at the Horseshoe Casino; the 7 Sons of Otis playing up on The Peabody’s Plantation Rooftop; and Drivin’ N Cryin’ at Newby’s. Tonight also kicks off Pilgrimage at TheatreWorks, a modern dance performance by Project: Motion. friday, august 21 At Circuit Playhouse tonight, it’s opening night of Blues for an Alabama Sky, a Depression-era drama by the Memphis Black Repertory Theatre. At the new Memphis Literacy Council headquarters in Cooper-Young, there’s a Southern Voices tape signing; you can meet the authors whose stories are on the fourth Southern Voices audiocassette, Arcadia: Tales from the Arcade Restaurant (which by the way, does not include my story about a prostitute waking me up there in the wee hours of the morning years ago and telling me I needed to eat that food my face was lying next to; or the time, again in the wee hours of the morning, when, during an inexplicable conversation about exercise, one of us asked the waitress what she did for exercise, to which she replied without looking up from her order pad and without missing a beat, “Walk this f–kin’ flo’.”). But back to what else is going on. The classic movie Some Like it Hot is showing tonight at The Orpheum. Brother Cane is playing at the New Daisy. David Gates (former lead singer for Bread) is at the Horseshoe Casino. The Reba Russell Band is at Patrick’s. And back at Newby’s, Voodoo Train is playing. saturday, august 22 Lest a weekend should go by with no art reception, there’s one tonight at the Barnes & Noble on Winchester for an exhibit by Kathy Williams. Down on the grounds of the National Ornamental Metal Museum it’s time again for Blues on the Bluff, a benefit for WEVL-FM 90, with live music by Di Anne Price and Joyce Cobb. Other than that, the only thing that looks good is 68 Comeback and the Demolition Dollrods at Young Avenue Deli. sunday, august 23 If you want a meal to remember tonight, go scarf down the East Meets West Dinner at KøTo, where chefs Erling Jensen, Jennifer Hood, and Jimmy Ishii are creating a very special four-course dinner with wines and sakes. And don’t forget, Touch of Evil is playing again tonight at Brooks. sunday, august 24 The fabulous Cokie Roberts is in town tonight at the Buckman Center at St. Mary’s Episcopal School, talking about her career and signing copies of her book We Are Our Mothers’ Daughters. And back at the New Daisy, there’s My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. monday, august 25 The Reatards and Deadly Snakes are playing at Barristers. And at The Orpheum, it’s opening night of Camelot, starring Robert Goulet. tuesday, august 26 Go down to The Map Room tonight for live music by Mark Harriman. Or don’t. As usual, I don’t care what you do, and unless you can get further details on a story I read the other day about a guy suing the Church of Scientology for taking a half-million dollars of his money, claiming they could turn him into a heterosexual like they did John Travolta, then I’m sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this hole and go watch THE EXPLANATION. I hope he blames it all on being influenced by repeatedly hearing the movie title, Free Willie.