by Tim Sampson thursday, august 27 Okay, I’ve just been informed that this portion of the Flyer is going out early, and that I have, oh, an hour to write this. So bear with me. I’m barely awake, not feeling well, and in general am not the type of person who likes to get up, squeeze a fresh orange, eat a healthy breakfast, and embrace the day. I had a very boring weekend, save for being cornered by a total maniac who insisted on telling me dirty and sacrilegious jokes, alternately – all of which incorporated the singing of opera. And I did get a call from a friend in California, informing me that his new boss had a pet pig that committed suicide by jumping into the swimming pool and drowning – which kind of made sense after he told me that the pig’s name was Hammy Faye Baker. The same guy, I was told, also had a mule that died. It seems the mule, whose name I did not catch, ate too many green apples and got the colic, at which point the owner tried to cure the mule through some process that involved a garden hose, and, well, I did not ask for further details. By the way, the man is an interior designer and a member of AA. Go figure. No, the only exciting thing that’s happened in the last few days is the resurfacing of the Chupacabra, the “Goat Sucker” monster that has been terrorizing Puerto Rico for years by eating goats, other small animals, and sometimes small children. The creature, it is reported, was blamed for a rash of mutilated cattle, which were found completely drained of their blood. In a more recent incident, the Chupacabra was blamed “in the deaths of dozens of turkeys, rabbits, goats, cats, dogs, and even horses and cows.” Around the same time, it was “said to have ripped open the bedroom window of a house in the city of Caguas, destroyed a stuffed teddy bear, and left a puddle of slime and a piece of rancid white meat on the windowsill.” Sounds just like my kitchen. There have been many sightings, so there are various descriptions. Some say it is a descendant of a sea monkey gone bad. Some say it’s a giant bat, as it kind of looks like one and usually leaves two small puncture wounds on its victims’ necks and drains their blood. At any rate, all agree that it has very large, slanted glowing-red eyes, a flat face, skin like a frog, and spikes on its back and head. Again, I say to Paula Jones, that nose job was not a panacea. But back to the beast. In an article by Chupacabra expert Tito Armstrong, there’s a man, Chemo Soto, in the city of Canovanas, who is both mayor and Chupacabra hunter. In fact, he won the last election by running on an “anti-Chupacabra” ticket. On one of his last attempts to catch the goat-sucking creature, according to Armstrong, Soto underwent “rigorous preparations to trap the elusive Chupacabra. He saw all of the Indiana Jones movies at least twice and was seen buying a leather whip at the local Sears.” But alas, the creature is still out there, and could be headed this way. Maybe if we dress up Kenneth Starr to look even more like an old goat, we could get this whole mess of his behind us and go on with our lives. Those who have one, anyway. Until then, lock your doors, watch out for your goats, and here’s a look at what’s going on around town this week. Today, the Court Square Tunes at Noon concert is by none other than Rufus Thomas. Later, there’s an opening reception at Lisa Kurts Gallery for an exhibit by Diane Morley. Patty Loveless is down at the Horseshoe Casino. Blue Silk is playing at the Cockeyed Camel (and tomorrow night at O’Sullivan’s on Beale). Big Fish is playing on The Peabody’s Plantation Rooftop at tonight’s Sunset Serenade Party. And Herman Green and the Green Machine with Kelley Hurt are at the Southern Comfort Lounge. friday, august 28 North Fork, a drama by Mark Dunn, winner of the 1998 Playhouse on the Square New Play Contest, is opening tonight at TheatreWorks. The Peabody’s 73rd Anniversary celebration features cake and champagne in the Grand Lobby, not to mention unveiling the latest inductee into the Peabody Duck Walk of Fame. And there’s plenty of live music. Englebert is playing at Sam’s Town (I assume this is the artist formerly known as Englebert Humperdinck, and if it is, who could blame him for dropping that last name?). The fabulous Joan Jett, icon of the ’80s, is at the Horseshoe Casino. The Memphis Acoustic Music Association is bringing in Barton & Sweeny to Otherlands tonight. And, well, I’m sure lots of other bands are playing around town, but you’ll have to look them up yourselves because I’m in a hurry. saturday, august 29 Tonight’s big art opening is for the “Horn Island/Taos ’98” exhibit at Memphis College of Art. Down at the Black Diamond on Beale, it’s the Blues Talent Competition Finals, the culmination of a summer of competing blues musicians. Just down the street, at Hard Rock Cafe, there’s a show by that Latin Elvis interpreter, El Vez. Lock Down, Dawg, O.D., and Carpe Diem are at Barristers. Irish session tribe and Crash Into June are playing at Kudzu’s. The Kiss Offs are at The Map Room. At Young Avenue Deli you can have a low-rent rendezvous while listening to the Amazing Rhythm Aces. And, well, I’m sure there are lots of other bands playing around town, but you’ll have to look them up for yourselves because I’m in a hurry. sunday, august 30 This afternoon’s Brooks Film Series feature is Raging Bull – no, not a saga about the Monica Lewinsky investigation, but the Martin Scorsese classic with Robert DeNiro. Later, the Jerry Garcia Band is at the New Daisy. As always, the Memphis Jazz Orchestra is playing their Sunday-night gig at the Center for Southern Folklore. And, well, I’m sure there are … you get the point. monday, august 31 Not a clue. Rent Jackie Brown. Go eat at In the Grove. Bite me. tuesday, september 1 Carl Wolfe and his band are playing music that was played aboard the Titanic at Borders Books & More. wednesday, september 2 If you want an incredible lunch today, go down for the Chef’s Table in the kitchen at Chez Philippe in The Peabody, and eat with Chef Jose Gutierrez; you won’t be disappointed. Later, the Crystal Method is playing at the New Daisy (never heard them but love that name). And tonight’s big, big bash is The Memphis Flyer Disco Party at Raiford’s Hollywood Disco. There’ll be drink specials, dancing, giveaways from the new movie 54, and well, you just never know what else might happen. And that is that. As always, you can do whatever you like. I don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can get them to stop showing that Valerie Bertinelli movie in which she plays the psycho writing crazy epithets all over the walls, I’m sure I don’t want to meet you. Besides I’ve got to go back to the Chupacabra Web site and learn the lyrics to the “Goat Sucking Song.”