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Original GoddessAt 81, Phyllis Diller reflects on comedy, surgery, and success.by Chris Davis
Phyllis Diller: I think of myself as a Renaissance woman come on, baby. Let's put it at the top. Let's face it, a hundred symphonies, books, theatre, Broadway. Here's the thing. Funny ladies are three categories: comic, comedienne, comic actress. People don't know about those separations. The comic is what I am. But, you see, a comedienne can't be a stand-up, and a comic actress can't be a stand-up. The comic is the stand-up. And what makes it different is that a comic is responsible for his own material and works alone. It's the scariest. It's like going into space without a suit. I
only recently found out about your career as a pianist. Do you still do that? No. That is a very harsh discipline and my schedule simply obviated the ability. And the act was about the music. When I played, I did the best I could, but when I talked, it was funny stuff. Like a female counterpart to Victor Borge. Sort of yes more like Jack Benny did. It's amazing how similar the acts were. The reason I can't say it was like Victor Borge is because he was a truly fine concert pianist and was a child prodigy at 12. I didn't go that route. Nor did Benny. You wrote a book for housewives. Oh yes, Housekeeping Hints. I was the first Domestic Goddess. Roseanne gives me complete credit. Of course you know that when I started she wasn't born. So, you see, I really influenced her a lot. Women's roles have changed so much just in my lifetime. How has this affected your act? Well, I keep it up to date, I talk about people who are alive and well and getting into trouble. But it's still a lot of housewife humor. I'm still the same inept person, only now instead of Mrs. Clean next door it's Martha Stewart the bitch. The main raft from which I swim and come back to always is: married to Fang, the children, the neighbors, trouble lots of trouble mostly trouble. Didn't you win an award for bringing plastic surgery out of the closet? I was the first one that blew the trumpet. Before you it was a very secretive thing? Oh yes. Before that it was handled like an abortion. You know, they would go to South America, say, "I had a lovely vacation." Oh, well, you look so rested. "Well, I am." You know they have had everything done. I had what I needed to make my face regular. I had a badly broken nose. I had broken teeth. I did everything. I had my teeth straightened and whitened, and my nose straightened and shortened, and the bags under my eyes removed. I had really premature bags under the eyes and I thought it was debauchery but it was fat fat. Plain fat. That plays right into that thing that you said about how a person can make fun of themselves all day long and never offend anyone. It's true. It endears you to people when you say, "I'm not perfect." The reason the Liberty Bell is famous is because it was cracked. I was a kid in the '70s, and you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing Phyllis Diller on something. You were like this omnipresent guest star. Oh my god! Always a bridesmaid. You were on everything. Talk shows, game shows, sitcoms. There is a reason for that. They could always depend on me to be funny, they could always depend on me to be cooperative, they could always depend on me to be on time with no bitching, make no waves. These are all things that will put you ahead in life in any field. I had more appearances on the Bob Hope specials than any other female. He was my guru. Your what? G-U-R-U. Guru. He's the king of the one-liners. He's a one-liner technician. I'm really patterned after him. So what is the awful truth behind Hollywood Squares? Well, it's coming back with Whoopi Goldberg as the center square. Are you going to do it again? I never know. I doubt it. You know, I think they are going to use young,
hot movie-star types. Phyllis Diller
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lyer: You did
everything. You were a concert pianist, a comic, a writer, and, of course, all of those TV
appearances. 
