by Tim Sampson thursday, march 25 So. I read with much interest the other day that Paula Jones and her hubby Steve are having a trial separation, brought on by disputes between the two about strategy during Jones’ sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton, and how to spend the $200,001 she ended up with out of the settlement, which really doesn’t seem like that much, after everything she put us through. But I guess when you figure in the free nose job, which likely ran into the billions, she got a pretty fair shake. But back to this separation. The AP article stated that a woman who identified herself as Mrs. Jones was reached by phone at her mother’s house and told reporters, “These are just rumors, rumors, rumors. That’s all I have to say.” Well, my, my, my. My first reaction was that she probably didn’t have anything else to say because she couldn’t think of anything. But then I read on and — with not a little feeling of shock — discovered that she also told the reporter, “We are not going to get ugly at each other.” While I’ve never seen a picture of Steve, I feel that I must say to Paula, Honey, Honey, it is way too late. You have done got ugly and not a thing in the world — even the nose job and alleged makeover — can change that. I bet when you were born, the veterinarian slapped your butt first and then your face and said to your mother, “Madam, you’ve had twins!” I know. I’m being insensitive. People can’t help the way they look. I’m no Ben Affleck myself. But I think Paula Jones truly believes that she is beautiful in all that Wal-Mart-wear and hair that looks like the dog’s been gnawing on it. I also think that because she thought she was beautiful, she never thought she had to learn anything about the proper use of the English language to get along in life. All those “He done run his hand up my culottes” statements she made to the press during the hearings. It was too much to bear. But back to that trial separation. Can you imagine what they must be arguing about? I bet one thing is that when Clinton made her that first offer just to get her to shut her trap for a second and so we wouldn’t have to look at her on the news any longer (good president) and she turned it down because the money wouldn’t be accompanied by an apology, ol’ Steve probably hit the roof, telling her to take the dough and forget about the apology and be glad someone had the sympathy to come on to her. And what to do with that $200,001? I’m sure Steve wanted to buy a sports car, a lifetime supply of ugly repellent, and a big batch of Beer Nuts at $1.99 a pound, while she insisted that they spend their newfound fortune on a blue velour sectional, some paintings from one of those Starving Artists sales, some tube tops, lots of holiday-themed jewelry, and some deer nuts, because she heard they were under a buck. I can hear her now: “Dang it, Steve, I’m the one who done seen the president’s penis. I thank I ought to be able to buy whatever I want at Bubba’s Fine Furniture.” Steve: “Look, I am married to you and have to look at you. I deserve that money.” At any rate, I wish the couple all the luck in the world, whatever they decide to do. Because if they do get divorced, there will be more articles with more photographs, and I can’t take it. In the meantime, I guess we’ll just have to cope by getting out and having fun this week, so here’s a little rundown of some of what’s going on around town. Tonight, there are a couple of art receptions, one at the Art Center Supply Store on Union Avenue, for a show of works by children; the other is at Memphis College of Art, for the Memphis Arts Council Day Exhibition. Today is opening day of the four-day Southern Women’s Show at the Cook Convention Center, where there will be all sorts of exhibits, demonstrations, seminars, fashion shows, shopping boutiques, entertainment, and most importantly, a guest appearance by that Kristoff St. John from The Young and the Restless. There’s a dinner tonight at White Church Tearoom, a five-course meal from the Vincent Price Cookbook, with Vincent Price’s niece on hand as guest of honor. And Ringo Starr and his All-Starr Band are at the Horseshoe Casino. friday, march 26 More art openings tonight at: Jeanne Reynolds Studio, for “Spring Fever II”; at the University of Memphis Art Museum, for “The Body and the Lens”; and at Askew Nixon Ferguson Architects, for the Memphis/Germantown Art League’s 22nd annual juried exhibition. There’s a preview gala at Theatreworks for Memphis Black Repertory Theatre’s upcoming presentation of A Day of Absence, Douglas Turner Ward’s play about what might happen if all black people disappeared for one day; Ward will be present at the gala and the performance of the play, which is slated to officially open April 1st. At The Orpheum, it’s opening night of the gospel musical I Know I’ve Been Changed. It’s also opening day of Midsouthcon 17 at the Sheraton Four Points Hotel, that weekend of weekends for science-fiction freaks. Little Anthony & the Imperials are in concert tonight at the Horseshoe Casino. And here in town, check out: Sean Costello & the Jivebombers at Black Diamond on Beale; the Bouffants at Elvis Presley’s Memphis; Ed, the Lewds, and Valhalla at Barristers; Duraluxe, Delorean, and Bicycle Thief at The Map Room; the Nancy Apple Band at South End Saloon; the Distraxshuns at Patrick’s; Webb Wilder at the Hi-Tone Cafe; Saliva and the Verbs at Newby’s; and Ron Anderson at In the Grove. saturday, march 27 One art opening tonight, at the Jack Kenner Gallery, for an exhibition by Micha Bar-Am. For reasons I can’t imagine, Regis Philbin will be at the Grand Casino tonight. And tonight’s big party is The Beach Ball, this year’s Faux Arts Ball benefiting Number: magazine. The bash, held at Harrah’s Corporate Headquarters Pool House on Cherry Road, will include live music by Memphis Soul Stew, a live auction of beach trips and artist-designed beach wares, a silent auction of beach-related items, a beach buffet and cash bar, and contests for beach attire, sand-castle building, and dancing The Swim. sunday, march 28 Okay, I’m running out of space and time. Yet another art opening today, at Memphis Botanic Garden, for a photography exhibit by Jed Dreifus. The Jerry Garcia Band at the New Daisy. monday, march 29 No clue. tuesday, march 30 Kathy Mattea at Sam’s Town. Vertical Imbalance improv comedy show at Kudzu’s. Will and Grace on television. wednesday, march 31 Brooks Film Series feature, Breathless, the original by Jean-Luc Godard. And that’s about it. Or at least that’s it for me. As always, you can do whatever you like. I don’t care what you do, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can get the FDA to legalize marijuana for medical use on persons who are nervous, then I’m sure I never want to meet you. Besides, I’ve got to check up on Paula and Steve’s split-up. I am praying that they end up on Judge Judy so Judge Judy can say to Paula, “Mrs. Jones, look at me when you’re talking. Oops. Nevamoynd!”