by Tim Sampson thursday, august 19 Since it is proving impossible to ignore the current mayoral race going on here, and since it looks like we're up you-know-which-creek any way you look at it, I've decided what Memphis really needs: a gay mayor. And a gay city council. I know, it would raise some eyebrows, but before you start throwing Skoal cans against the back window of the truck, just think about it. Think of how a gay government could turn this city around. Think about the way gay officials would deal with issues. 1) Crime: What would they do? Legalize Ecstasy and enforce a law that all potential violent crime offenders must take it regularly. All they'll want to do is hug and dance and drink water. Hurting or robbing someone would be the last things on their minds. Save the jail space for those who commit fashion crimes. On second thought, we really don't want jail overcrowding. Just send them off to Texas or somewhere like that. 2) Race Relations: Look it, gay people don't care. They are just as comfortable at Raiford's as they are at Chez Philippe. It really doesn't matter what color someone's skin is, as long as they know how to dress, cook, and shop. 3) The infrastructure: Line all roads with flowering trees and make sure all workers are very attractive to passersby. All bridges must include ornately carved statuary at the entrances. And a gay mayor would never allow that flashing sign at the entrance to downtown. This is not a dog track. 4) The environment: There will be no peace until sparkling mineral water comes out of every faucet in the city. One faucet for water, and one for a martini. Which leads to 5) Hunger: Instead of the government giving out cheese and peanut butter and hominy, give out olives and smoked salmon and capers and Jell-O shooters. Give the people what they want, not what they need. 6) The job market: As long as there is hair to be done -- and in this city, it would take another millennium to correct the wrongness out there -- everyone would be employed. Free cosmetology school for the masses. 7) Education: Each day in each school would begin with Patti LaBelle's "Teach Me Tonight" over the intercom system. And you can bet every school would be air-conditioned, because a gay mayor would know that the only way one can tolerate very hot, humid weather is to be slung up on a balcony in the French Quarter with an ice-cold Bloody Mary. 8) Public transportation: Replace those ugly buses with parade floats, then begin a long-term plan of building a canal system with pontoon boats that have dance floors and wet bars. 9) City/county consolidation: Just forget all about the county and concentrate on Midtown. 10) Tourism: Push the fact internationally that Memphis holds claim to the fact that Joan Crawford got a couple of her illegally adopted babies here. Millions would flock to see the actual site where it took place and hear the story of how it happened (more about Joan later). And change the Memphis Belle to the Regina Belle, turning Mud Island into one big dance club, finally making it useful. And there you have it. The possibilities are endless. And so, it seems, is this rambling, so here goes with the real point of all this: what's going on around town this week. And there are some very interesting things. Tonight at Tsunami, there's an Arts in the Park Wine Tasting, during which the first Arts in the Park festival wine will be introduced, which has a label by local artist Dolph Smith, who'll be on hand to sign bottles. Proceeds from wines sold will benefit Arts in the Park, coming to you this October. Down in Tunica, Duran Duran is at the Horseshoe Casino. Here in town, those amazing Dempseys are at Elvis Presley's Memphis (tonight through Saturday). The Electric Mood Elevators are playing on The Peabody's Plantation Rooftop during the after-work Sunset Serenade party. And the absolutely fabulous Nancy Powers Trio (a.k.a. the Trombone Lady, who you really have to see and hear) is at In the Grove. friday, august 20 Let's get the small things out of the way here. Three art openings tonight: at Buckman Performing and Fine Arts Center, for an exhibit by Janet Preslar; at CBU, for a show by Richard Ritter; and at Cooper Street Gallery, for an exhibit of paintings by Rock-and-Roll Granny Cordell Jackson. Live music: the Henry Rollins Band at the New Daisy; Ray Charles at Sam's Town; Men at Work (love it) at the Gold Strike Casino; Blue Silk at French Quarter Suites (very cool band); Yamagata at Young Avenue Deli; and last but certainly not least, Ms. Di Anne Price during dinner at Cielo. Now. For the real entertainment. Referring to my earlier suggestion, I don't know who organized this, but he or she is the only person in Memphis qualified to be mayor. Tonight at The Orpheum, it's JOAN CRAWFORD NIGHT, which features the showing on the big screen of not only Mommie Dearest, but also The Women. There, in one evening, two of the finest films ever made. Films that should have won Oscars in every category. As for Mommie Dearest, yes, there is the famed coat hanger scene for amateur fans of the film; buffs will be waiting for the "panty shot" that occurs as Mommie (Faye Dunaway) has Christina (Diana Scarwid, in a rivetingly bad performance) on the ground strangling her in an attempt to kill her for acting like an ingrate in front of a reporter. As for The Women (the most-rented video in New York City, if that tells you anything), pay close attention during "the bathtub scene." saturday, august 21 If you're looking for some variety in your musical entertainment, check out tonight's Gospel Renaissance Festival at Mud Island, featuring Fred Hammond and John P. Kee. Back down in Tunica, Merle Haggard is at Sam's Town tonight. Back here in town, Eek-a-Mouse with the Nevers is at the Hi-Tone. And the real party tonight is at the P&H, where it's Wanda Appreciation Day, a special tribute to owner Wanda Wilson, loved by thousands and for very good reason. There will be live music, a dunking booth, a kissing booth, a mud-wrestling match hosted by mayoral hopeful Jerry Lawler, and much more. Proceeds benefit Hands on Memphis. sunday, august 22 Go down and hear the Memphis Jazz Orchestra at the Center for Southern Folklore on Beale. monday, august 23 Go eat raw oysters at Anderton's. tuesday, august 24 Improv Comedy by Vertical Imbalance at Kudzu's. Or take a drive down to Oxford for a show by the Country Teasers with special guests Compulsive Gamblers at Proud Larry's. wednesday, august 25 Just one word for tonight: Caliente, playing at the Hi-Tone. And that, as they say, is that. As always, I really don't care what you do this week, because I don't even know you, and unless you can outlaw those Old Navy vest commercials that are making it very difficult to watch television, I'm sure I don't ever want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this puke pit and go see if I can't round up a gay mayoral candidate. Let's see. Mongo has been a prince, a king, and a saint. Think he'd be willing to try being a queen?