Stand Up, Sit Down Fight, fight, fight. by WALTER JOWERS ome time ago, I wrote a column about bidets. While I was on the Internet learning about bidets, I also learned about some other things. I figure it's time I shared them. Stand-Up Peeing Women There is a cult of women who want to pee standing up, and there's an Internet website (http://www.restrooms.org) to support them. On the Web site, there are detailed instructions for stand-up whizzing, and testimonials from women who've converted to the stand-up method. A Huntington woman writes: "WOW, I'm truly excited. After 40 years of hovering, I can finally stand to pee. I tried it (the device-free method) after reading this site and I WILL perfect this! Actually the first try was really accurate! I wish I knew this technique when I was plowing snow! It'll work fine on the beach, too. THANKS." I'm not going to get into the fine details of how women can pee standing up. I'll leave that to Denise Decker, RN, BSN, who hosts the Web site. I will say this: I read Decker's directions, and they sounded plausible to me. I do know what the "device" is, though. It's the Caring Hands TravelMate, a 5-inch-long plastic gadget (think plastic spoon with a tube for a handle) that enables a woman to open her fly, and just go. You can order your very own TravelMate from the Web site -- just 13 bucks for the gadget itself, a swell denim carrying case, and 25 towelettes. The TravelMate alone is just 3 bucks. Sounds like an excellent stocking stuffer to me. Commode-Squatting Pussycats Many years back, wife Brenda was looking through a catalog, and she found a gizmo that promised to teach cats to relieve themselves not in a litter box, but in an actual made-for-humans commode. I resisted the notion. At the time, we were living in a house that had only one bathroom. "I will not," I told Brenda, "walk into the bathroom and find out I've got to wait for the cat to get off the commode." "She wouldn't take but a minute," Brenda said. That was the last I thought about cats on the commode, until I found a Web site (http://www.karawynn.net/mishacat/toilet.shtml) dedicated to teaching cats how to invade and use human commodes. Basically, the routine goes like this: 1. Move the catbox into the bathroom, and put it right next to the commode. 2. Always leave the bathroom door open, the commode lid up, and the seat down. 3. Over a period of several days, move the catbox up higher (using phone books and such), until it's level with the commode seat. This will get the cat in the habit of climbing up onto the commode seat. 4. Remove the catbox. 5. Affix a metal mixing bowl to the underside of the commode seat. Put a couple of inches of kitty litter in the bowl. At this point, the cat should squat on the commode seat, and go in the metal bowl. 6. Over a period of several days, reduce the amount of litter in the mixing bowl, until there's none left. 7. Remove the bowl. 8. The cat is now potty-trained. Just as with the Jowers family's self-cleaning electronic catbox, the above toilet training should not be done with little kittens or really old and feeble cats. You'd hate for one of 'em to fall in. Wouldn't you? You can e-mail Helter Shelter at walter.jowers@nashville.com.