by Tim Sampson thursday, september 9 Well, if you're reading this paper on the day it comes out, Thursday, you might want to take note that it is 9-9-99, so just turn this page upside down right now. See? I keep telling you the end of the world as we know it is right around the corner. That old Antichrist is just sitting in the wings waiting somewhere to swoop down and scare the hell out of us. Unless, of course, the Antichrist is actually Florence Henderson, and her appearance on the new NBC Later Today show is "the sign." Not an altogether unlikely theory, if you ask me, which you didn't, but it doesn't make any difference because as long as I don't slander anyone, I can write pretty much whatever I want to on this page. Which is about as scary as Florence Henderson co-hosting that new show. I could, if I wanted to, for instance, write about gunslinging now being a tool when running for political office, but that kind of thing is better left to pundits who can analyze it for you with some insight. I just think it's funny, although I am very glad nothing happened to Harold Jr. I could write about the children's book I heard about, Daddy Drinks Because You Cry, but in my old age I've gotten soft and actually like the little tykes, so long as they are smart and well behaved and can speak several languages before entering school. I could write about the guy wearing a platinum-blonde wig and carrying a purse and a gun who got caught not long ago trying to rob a health food store on Poplar, but I'm afraid I might know him. I could write about a conversation I heard the other day between two women, the first of whom was from the South. She asked the Northerner where she was going to, to which the Northerner replied, "Somewhere where people know better than to end a sentence with a preposition," to which the Southern woman replied, "Okay, where you going to, bitch?" But that's just another cheap joke stolen from the Internet. I could write about how Uranus is in retrograde, but I don't know enough about Uranus, and am certainly happy that I don't (I'm just trying to see how low I can go; bear with me during this test). I could write about how last weekend I was photographing fern leaves in a swamp at daybreak during my 12-hour trip to New Orleans, which also included several hours at a rest stop waiting for the rising sun and lowering moon to reach the same level in the sky, but I would have to explain far too many details that could potentially land me in a correctional facility married to the man with the most cigarettes. Hmm, something to think about. I could write about the time the Lone Ranger told Tonto to dash in circles around Silver while he went into a saloon to get a drink, and then went in and downed his whiskey, telling the bartender he had to hurry up and leave because he'd left his engine running. But I guess that could be construed as politically incorrect, and you know how I hate that. As would it be to fulfill my dream of opening a dance bar called Club Foot. There's a lot I could write about, but that's neither here nor there, as the real point of this is to mention what's going on around town this week, so away we go. And there's actually a lot happening, so this is going to have to be written as if I were sending a telegram or a message via Morse code. Tonight's music: Reba Russell Band at B.B. King's; Skull Remote Condom at The Map Room; the Dempseys, of course, at Elvis Presley's Memphis; the Buonies at the 9/9/99 New Year's Eve in September Party on The Peabody's Plantation Rooftop; and Huey Lewis & the News at the Horseshoe Casino in Tunica. friday, september 10 Art openings: Java Cabana, for the Cooper-Young Festival Poster Signing by Jeanne Seagle (live jazz to follow); Ledbetter Lusk Gallery, for a show by John Torina and Lloyd Dallet; Albers Fine Art Gallery, for "Signatures"; and Askew Nixon Ferguson Architects, for "Arts: Four Different Worlds." Music: Art Garfunkel at the Bartlett Performing Arts and Conference Center (how weird is that?); Memphis R&B Revue at the Mid-South Coliseum, with the Gap Band, the Isley Brothers, and Morris Day & the Time (how fabulous is that?); Joe Diffie at Sam's Town (who is he?); One Time Entertainment Showcase and Record Party at the New Daisy, featuring 2 Live Crew and Split Personality; and the Delta Queens with the old Green's Lounge house band Wilroy Sanders & the Fieldstones at Young Avenue Deli. Other strange but true events: Today kicks off the International Goat Days Family Festival in Millington -- yes, a weekend dedicated to the beloved goat, with goat chariot races, other goat-related events, music, food, and who knows what else. Where is the BBC when you really need them? saturday, september 11 Much to do today. Music: Bob Dylan & Paul Simon at The Pyramid (which seems kind of cruel, since Art Garfunkel played in Bartlett last night); Dash Rip Rock with the Hollisters at the Hi-Tone Cafe; and the Theresa Pate Combo at In the Grove, that jazziest of jazz clubs. There will also be live music at several venues as part of this weekend's big Southern Heritage Classic, which includes the game between Tennessee State and Jackson State, as well as a lot of other events that you can look up in the regular listings because I'm in a hurry to get this thing finished. And there'll be live music at today's Fiesta Latino-Memphis in Gaisman Park, a celebration of Latin-American culture, which includes music, dancing, Latin food, arts & crafts, kids' activities, a soccer match, and more; proceeds benefit the Latino-Memphis Conexion. That one sounds fun. And then there's today's Japanese Festival at Memphis Botanic Garden, with demonstrations of bonsai, origami, ikebana, and calligraphy; a tea ceremony, and a lot more you can look up in the listings yourself because I'm running out of space. They'll only let me write so much, thank goodness. There's also a Germantown Festival at Morgan Woods/Franklin Park, and a Cumberland Street Art Guild Show and Sale at 1830 Jackson, with lots of things for sale. And one of the biggest parties of the year, tonight's Zoo Rendezvous, features food and drinks from more than 60 area restaurants, and live music by the Beatle tribute band Get Back! By the way, if you haven't already seen it, Jackie Brown is on the Encore channel tonight at 8:45. sunday, september 12 Diva Day. Patti LaBelle at Sam's Town, and Di Anne Price and Her Boyfriends at Huey's Downtown. That's really all you need to know. monday, september 13 Burger and beer specials during Monday Night Football at Old Zinnie's. Margarita Monday at Molly's. Martini Monday at Sidestreet whatever, I've got to get out of here. tuesday, september 14 Wine tasting at Cooper Street Bar & Grill. wednesday, september 15 The Bamboozlers at Newby's. And that's all I have to say because I really am in a hurry and I'm really now out of space. As always, I don't care what you do this week, because I don't even know you, and unless you have a tape of the Tim Russert show that aired last Sunday -- an hour of him talking with Matt Lauer -- then I'm sure I never want to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to finally blow this gerbil circus and go look at some very interesting photos of a swamp. I can't believe I was wearing Banana Republic.