by Tim Sampson thursday, october 7 I guess we all know what this week is -- yes, the much-talked-about election. The mayoral race and city council race and a couple of judges and I'm not sure what other positions, all of which will guide us into the next century. And I guess as a newspaper columnist, I should probably write something about it. But what is left to say? We've all already heard about the gunslinging and the hair-dryer picture and the name-calling and the sobbing at public forums. And I hope everyone has seen the television commercial advertising a car dealership, which features one of our mayoral candidates and his girlfriend in matching off-the-shoulder faux leopard caveman-like outfits. If you haven't, please watch for it. I think you'll find it fascinating. I guess I should have something more to say about the election, but since this newspaper doesn't endorse candidates, I can't really go on and on about how much I wish the Ford family ran this city. Oops. Did I say that? Well, I wish they did. There's nothing I love better than watching a bunch of stuffy white people get a goat in their garden (for those of you who don't know what that phrase means, just write and ask and I'll fill you in -- no pun intended for those who do understand). I know being a senator is much better than being a mayor, but some day, if we get Harold Ford Jr. in that mayor's office, we'll be the envy of every city in this country. But that would happen only in a perfect world, and we know the world is far from perfect, and right now there are much bigger and more important things to worry about than the election. For one, there's that new sign downtown welcoming visitors from the west as they approach Memphis driving across the bridge. It seems to me that we should have been able to vote on that one. I suppose I should be responsible and reserve judgment until I actually go down and see it, but that would mean driving fairly close to West Memphis and I don't have any Thorazine on hand at the moment. I can pretty well imagine, however, that the sign is something about which to feel at least a tiny bit of humiliation. This is not Tunica, people. And there are even more important things than the sign about which to be concerned. Like the spot. Yes, the wet spot on Peabody Avenue is still there, haunting me daily. It just stays there, in the same shape, no matter what. Rain doesn't wash it away, even though it is water. The sun doesn't make it evaporate. Hundreds of cars passing over it each day do not affect it in the least. The other day I noticed what appeared to be red spots in it, which made me become very excited, as I instantly knew that they were little puddles of blood from either some kind of virgin sacrifice or that of the Antichrist. I dove out into traffic and landed on my hands and knees, sure that the new drops of blood would finally cause the wet spot to get the kind of recognition that it deserves, drawing thousands of people from around the world to come view and perhaps even worship it, bringing the sick to kneel down and touch it and be cured, the hopeless to be happy, the bald to have hair (just a personal wish). Unfortunately, the little red spots were not blood, but were pine tree needles. You can imagine my disappointment. I've been watching that spot since July, hoping for some answer, some insight as to why and how it remains there intact despite all of the elements that should make it go away. I know it's there for some reason, and I will not rest until the mystery is solved. But then, I really have no life, save for hanging out at bars on McLemore Avenue in South Memphis, where I tend to wind up the night with a batch of tamales, the uneaten remains often having to be scraped off my shoes the next day, despite dancing the corkscrew trying to knock them off, but that's a whole different story for a different time. For now, here's what's going on around town this week. Tonight, there are a couple of plays opening: Much Ado About Nothing at Rhodes College's McCoy Theatre; and The Boys Next Door at the University of Memphis. Today kicks off this weekend's annual Pink Palace Crafts Fair in Audubon Park, with more than 300 craftsmen and women from around the country selling their wares. Vince Gill is in concert at the Horseshoe. And here at home, it's a hard toss-up. At Automatic Slim's, there are two shows by Basin Street recording artists Los Hombres Calientes, a Latin-Creole fusion band fresh from Canal Street in New Orleans. At the New Daisy, there's Fredstock, a musical fund-raiser for legendary Memphis musician Fred Ford, who is recovering from throat cancer but can't play, which is his only source of income. The benefit is to help pay his staggering medical bills. The lineup includes performances by Charlie Wood and his horn band, Carla and Rufus Thomas, and Alex Chilton backed by the Hi Rhythm Section. Just down the street at Alfred's, it's live salsa by Caliente. And just up the street, the Dempseys are playing their wild and wacky rockabilly at Elvis Presley's Memphis. friday, october 8 There's an opening reception for an exhibit by some of Memphis' finest artists at a new gallery, Second Floor Contemporary, at 431 South Main. Play opening: The Mystery of Irma Vep at Playhouse on the Square, preceded by an opening reception for an exhibit of recent paintings by John Robinette. Down in Tunica, there are concerts by: Melissa Manchester at the Horseshoe Casino; Billy Ray Cyrus (I hope he's done something about that hair) at the Gold Strike Casino; and our own Jerry Lee Lewis at Sam's Town. (If you want to read something very funny, get on the Internet and look at the September 28th edition of the British newspaper, the Telegraph -- www.telegraph.co.uk -- and read the interview with Jerry's sister, Linda Gail Lewis. She does not mince words.) And at In the Grove, the fabulous singer/trombonist and former Broadway musician Nancy Powers is on with her trio at 9:30. saturday, october 9 For a bloody good time tonight, Ballet Memphis' production of Dracula opens its two-night run at The Orpheum. Race for the Cure, a 5K race to raise funds for breast cancer research, starts at 8 a.m. at the Shops of Saddle Creek. Santana is at the Mud Island Amphitheatre tonight. The Memphis Acoustic Music Association is hosting a concert by Alex de Grassi at the Buckman Performing and Fine Arts Center. And the Verbs are at Young Avenue Deli. sunday, october 10 Back at the Buckman Performing and Fine Arts Center, Flamenco Vivo!, a Spanish dance performance. The National Shakespeare Company is presenting Romeo and Juliet on the south lawn at The Dixon Gallery and Gardens. And Mason Ruffner is playing tonight at Murphy's. monday, october 11 Swing Night with the New Memphis Hepcats at the Hi-Tone Cafe. Or go out to the newly reopened Tap House and get Parrish to fix you up with a beverage. tuesday, october 12 Speaking of beverages, tonight's Oktoberfest Beer Dinner at Boscos features a five-course German dinner and lots of beer. wednesday, october 13 At the New Daisy tonight, it's Doug-Out II '99, a two-night rock-and-roll show to benefit the Doug Phillippi Fund, featuring John Kilzer, the Riverbluff Clan, Keith Sykes, Dr. Zarr's Amazing Funk Monsters, and the Greg Hiskey Rhythm Method, among others. At Newby's tonight, the Bamboozlers are playing inside, while FreeWorld plays on the patio. And other than that, you're on your own. As always, I really don't care what you do this week, because I don't even know you, and unless you can get that exhibit with the elephant dung to come here when it leaves Brooklyn, just to unnerve everyone, I'm sure I don't want to go through the nightmare of actually having to meet you. Besides, it's time for me to blow this ferret farm and go tend to the spot. I think I can see a reflection of a face beginning to appear, and damn it, it better be that of Elvis or the Virgin Mary.