by Tim Sampson thursday, december 9 I don’t know if it’s the upcoming (looming) holidays or the upcoming threat (promise) of worldwide mayhem when the century changes, but having turned 40 this past year (past middle age for me), I have suddenly realized that I am not the person I once was. Just like when, in my very early 20s, I looked in the mirror one day and realized I didn’t have hair any more, the fact that I am old is now something I can’t make go away. I probably realized this most acutely just the other night. I was sitting on the sofa with a friend watching television and talking, and all of a sudden I was brave enough to put two and two together and figured out that I was dropping acid before . . . he was born. It was pretty harrowing. And not only am I old in terms of years and digestive problems, but also in the way I think. In some ways, I think I’ve gotten downright crotchety. Take the protests that have been going on in Seattle. There was a time when I would have jumped right on a bandwagon like that. But now when I look at them dressed in their ludicrous garb and carrying their ludicrous signs, I think to myself, go back to your vegan burgers and pot and just get off the streets because you’re only making fools of yourselves, not to mention destroying the display windows at Nordstrom’s, for which you should be imprisoned. Against child labor policies? Do something productive. Egg Kathy Lee Gifford. I saw a TV journalist following one of the protestors, a 23-year-old “actress” from Los Angeles, who actually said, in all seriousness and into a news camera, “This has changed my life forever. I don’t think I can go back to my old life of watching TV.” Never in my life have I wanted so badly to see a metal canister of tear gas hit someone in the side of the head. To me, the very word “anarchist” implies: trust fund morons with too much time on their hands. Oh, I understand it all. The death penalty? I used to cry out against the very notion of it. Now when I see the empty remorseless face of someone who has just unloaded a few rounds into someone for no reason other than to pass the time, I envision a giant toaster. I also feel old when I drive — because, shocking as it may be, I drive the speed limit. This can be very taxing, because it seems that no matter where I am, I’ve got some bleached-blond thirtysomething housewife in an SUV riding close enough to my bumper to reach up and around and pick my nose. Why do they get away with this? I never see one getting a ticket. If I drove 42 in a 40, I’d land in jail. But no. These insipid excuses for people, who think they are the ones on the street, are determined to kill me. What, I ask, could be so exciting at the Wolfchase Galleria that they feel compelled to risk my life to get there? Well, let me just say right now that the road rage in me is building, and the next time one of you (and you know who you are) roars up behind me at 80 mph on Walnut Grove or Central or Poplar, I’m slamming on the brakes faster than you can say soccer practice. I have a car with an air bag now, and I’m ready for you. And for everything your precious husbands have in their stock portfolios. I’m old as hell and I’m not going to take it. So there. Be on the lookout. In the meantime, I guess it’s time for me to shut my old mouth and take a brief look at some of the things going on around town this week. Tonight, the Malco Theatres 85 Years of Movie Magic Celebration at The Orpheum features a screening of the new Tom Hanks film, The Green Mile, and a silent auction; proceeds benefit St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. Pianist Yakov Kasman is at the Germantown Performing Arts Centre. In other music, Caliente is at Alfred’s on Beale, where just up the street those wild and crazy Dempseys are playing at Elvis Presley’s Memphis, and blues guitarist John Hammond is performing at B.B. King’s, taping live for the Beale Street Caravan radio show. The real show tonight, however, is the Nancy Powers CD Release Party at In the Grove. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Nancy Powers, she is the lovely and talented singer/trombonist who has played all over the world, including a stint in the Kit Kat band in the original production of Cabaret on Broadway. We love her. friday, december 10 If you’re in one of those holiday shopping frenzies but are out of Valium and therefore can’t possibly walk into a mall, you’re in luck. There’s a party tonight for the opening of this year’s 7th annual Midtown Artists Market upstairs from Palm Court in Overton Square. The market features some 60 local artists selling pottery, paintings, jewelry, metal work, folk art, fiber art, and lots more. It’s a great place to shop and a great way to support local artists. And there are a lot of bars nearby. Be there. If you’re heading down to Tunica tonight, you can catch Tanya Tucker at Sam’s Town, the Brenda Lee Christmas Show at the Hollywood Casino, or Percy Sledge at the Grand. Here in town, the Buonis are at the Tap House; Blue Silk is playing its blend of jazz and R&B at French Quarter Suites; there’s a Loverly record-release party at the Hi-Tone Cafe; and for a nice getaway, CYC is playing in Oxford at Proud Larry’s. Make a night of it and have dinner at the Yacona River Inn. You won’t be disappointed. saturday, december 11 If you want to mainline a little holiday spirit, today’s Orpheum Saturday Morning Holiday Celebration is the ticket, with music by the Mississippi Boulevard Christian Academy Choir, holiday music on the Wurlitzer organ, characters from some local theatres’ various holiday plays, and a showing of Miracle on 34th Street. Later, the Memphis Acoustic Music Association is hosting a concert by one of the world’s most acclaimed Celtic bands, Clandestine, at the new Strings & Things Atrium Stage. Comedian George Wallace is at the Gold Strike Casino. Wesley Willis with Today Is My Super Space Out Day is at Young Avenue Deli. And Yamagata is at the fabulous new Blue Monkey. sunday, december 12 Tonight’s Evensong with Charles Billings at Shady Grove Presbyterian Church features Christmas songs. Usually I wouldn’t recommend something like that, but that Charles is just too much. Go see him. And this afternoon, Di Anne Price & Her Boyfriends are playing at Huey’s Midtown. monday, december 13 Wine tasting at Jarrett’s. Monday Night Football with special Cedric Burgers at Old Zinnie’s. tuesday, december 14 Not a clue. Stay home and watch Will & Grace. wednesday, december 15 If you want to do some holiday gorging, there’s no better place than today’s Holiday Chef’s Table at Chez Philippe in The Peabody, where that chef of chefs, Jose Gutierrez is preparing a three-course luncheon, served with two wines. And that, as they say, is that. As always, I really don’t care what you do this week, because I don’t even know you, and unless you can get me the real scoop on NBC’s Andy “the Gadget Guru” Pargh getting arrested for cocaine trafficking last weekend, I’m sure that I never want to meet you. Besides, it’s time for me to blow this dump and go take a little drive. I have a PDS decal radar built into my taillights and a lawyer on a retainer. You can e-mail Tim Sampson at letters@memphisflyer.com