Try To Remember An intimate conversation with Herman Balinsky, a 101-year-old resident of Oaklawn Nursing Home. Mr. Balinsky was asked his thoughts, opinions, etc. about the upcoming New Year. by JEROME WILSON Wilson: How are you today? Balinsky: Just. Fine. Just fine. Wilson: So, what does it feel like to be 101 years old? Balinsky: Old. Wilson: Ahh … okay … cool. Well, as you know, the world is about to go into the year 2000 and we wanted to ask opinions of someone like you who has seen many years in his lifetime. So, my question is this: What do you think about the new Millennium that the world is about to embark upon? Balinsky: Millennium? Wilson: Yeah, Millennium. Balinsky: Hmm…ain’t that the stuff put out by Reynold’s Wrap? Wilson: Huh? Oh … no … MILLen-nium … not aluminum. Balinsky: What’s the difference? Wilson: One is nothing but foil used for wrapping or cooking. Balinsky: Then what is aluminum? [PAUSE] Wilson: Okay, Mr. Balinsky. Next question. You’ve probably seen many changes in the city of Memphis. What do you think about those changes? What were the most significant ones that you can think of right offhand? Balinsky: Well, my family members were Quakers from Pennsylvania and we came through what is now Tennessee back in 1899 in covered wagons on our way to the first Superbowl in California. Wilson: Excuse me? On your way to the first Superbowl? Balinsky: Yeah. Wilson: That’s impossible, The first Superbowl wasn’t until 1967. Balinsky: Who’s telling this story? Wilson: You are, but … Balinsky: Then shut the hell up. Anyway, we didn’t make it to California. Some folks on their way back told us the game was over. Green Bay won, you know. So we just settled here in Memphis. Wilson: Really? Balinsky: Yeah, Memphis is an old Cherokee word that means “Damn, I think they’re staying.” It would be years before this town would be known as the city that never sleeps. Wilson: That’s New York. Balinsky: Are you crazy, son? We’re in Memphis. Wilson: Do you remember what you were doing when you heard that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was shot? Balinsky: He was shot? When? Wilson: Never mind. What about the Watergate scandal? Do you remember what you were doing when that broke? Balinsky: Whose water broke? Son, I don’t want to discuss any dirty women’s talk now. Wilson: But the Watergate scandal isn’t about pregnancy! Balinsky: There you go again! I said I don’t want to talk about any women stuff! Wilson: Damn. Okay, Mr. Balinsky. Is there anything in history that you do remember? Balinsky: I remember when DeBarge broke up. Wilson: The singing group? Balinsky: Yeah. I had just gotten out of bed, was having my morning coffee and my usual English muffin, and I looked over and there on the front page of The Commercial Appeal it read: “DeBarge Disembarks.” Wilson: (Laughs) Balinsky: Terribly sad. El DeBarge tried to make it as a solo act, but things weren’t the same. Wilson: Mr. Balinsky, are you sure you’re okay? Balinsky: What? Wilson: I mean, you don’t remember anything about anything, but you remember what you had for breakfast when an ’80s R&B singing group broke up? That is very strange. Balinsky: I should say it’s strange! They had potential! Wilson: My God. Balinsky: I do remember the Crash of ’29. Wilson: Now we’re getting somewhere! Tell me about the stock market crash of 1929. Balinsky: What stock market crash of ’29? Wilson: The one you were going to tell me about. Balinsky: I don’t know a thing about any stocks crashing! I’m talking about when I crashed my Ford into a tree back in 1929. Wilson: I’ll be damned. Balinsky: Please don’t curse. I’m a Christian. Wilson: (sigh) Sorry. Balinsky: Anyway, it was the spring of ’29 and I was hanging with the Barrymore brothers. Wilson: The Barrymores? Lionel and John? The actors? Balinsky: Don’t interrupt. Yes. Anyway, we were all out riding together with Truman Capote and Lionel Richie one drunken night when … Wilson: (laughs hysterically) How did you know them? Balinsky: I told you not to interrupt me! Just for that I’m not going to finish the story. Wilson: (sarcastically) So sad. Balinsky: Umph. [PAUSE] Wilson: Okay, Mr. Balinsky. What do you see in Memphis’ future? Balinsky: The re-emerging of Beale Street as a haven for the Southern white male. Wilson (laughs uncontrollably) Balinsky: What’s so funny? Wilson: Oh nothing. I’m sorry. Go on. Balinsky: I can envision Beale Street as the beacon for all rich Southern white males who have been discriminated against because of both their sex and race. Wilson: Are you serious, Mr. Balinsky? Balinsky: What makes you think that I’m not? Anyway, we would promote the music — the blues would be sung like only the white male knows how. Blues is all about being a rich white boy who is trampled upon, spit upon, and hassled by The Man. I can even see a small television station down on Beale Street where there will be educational shows about the history of the struggles of the white male down through the years. We could even produce a talk show that discuss issues about the plight of the Southern white male in the upcoming new era. Wilson: (Laughing) Honky Talk? Balinsky: What was that? Wilson: Never mind. Balinsky: Anyway, that’s the Beale Street I envision in the upcoming new aluminum. Wilson: That’s very interesting, Mr. Balinsky. Now the same question, but more on a universal level. Balinsky: What was the question? Wilson: What do you see in the world’s future? Or, better yet, what do you want to see happen in the year 2000 and the years to come? Balinsky: I want to be alive in year 2000. That’s the only thing I care to see. What kind of dumb question is that? Wilson: I understand. What else do you see? Balinsky: You think they will still show reruns of Mama’s Family in the new aluminum? Wilson: (sigh) I’m sure. Anything else you would like to say to Memphis readers? Balinsky: No. I don’t know these people. Do you think Vicki Lawrence is hot? Wilson: Who? Balinsky: Vicki Lawrence, you know … Mama Harper. Wilson: ahhh … no … I don’t think so. Balinsky: You young folks don’t know nothing. Wouldn’t even know a good piece of … Wilson: Okay, Mr. Balinsky, so there’s nothing you want to say to Memphis readers? Balinsky: Boy, didn’t I just tell you that I don’t know these damn people? What kind of damn racket are you running here?? Wilson: Oooo … you cursed. Didn’t you just say you were a Christian? If you’re such a Christian, then why are you cursing? Balinsky: I’m Baptist. Wilson: Hmm … okay … well, I thank you for your time, Mr. Balinsky. Balinsky: I haven’t the slightest idea of the time. Must be close to noon. I’m hungry.