A Memphis Millennium Despite a slow start, the city’s last thousand years have been eventful (but still no NFL franchise). by Jim Hanas 1000-1100: Aboriginal natives build a village on the banks of the Mississippi River at the site of present-day Memphis. The village is later called Chucalissa. 1100-1200: Nothing happens. 1200-1300: Nothing happens. 1300-1400: The council of elders appoints a commission to lobby the NFL to bring a football franchise to the hunting grounds on the Fourth Chickasaw Bluff. Their efforts to court team-owners are fruitless, however, despite a handsome full-page ad taken out in USA Today. 1400-1500: No change. 1500-1600: Hernando de Soto arrives at the banks of the Mississippi River. He is pissed. The river does not appear to be made of gold. It appears, in fact, to be nothing but a big obstacle to getting at things that are made of gold. Fighting off Indian attacks, the conquistador and his troops cross the river and get on with looking for things made of gold. Finding none, de Soto returns to the banks of the Mississippi, where he plans to establish an NFL franchise. He dies. 1600-1700: French people arrive. They are pissed and they do not like football. La Salle claims the Fourth Chickasaw Bluff for France. Spain’s Charles II gives it to some British people instead. No conflict results. 1700-1800: The British claim the bluffs for the crown. The French build a fort, fight Indians, then leave so can they team up with the Indians and go about the business of losing the French and Indian War. The British are feeling pretty good right about now. The United States wins its independence from England and begins divvying up the continent. John Rice and John Ramsey receive land grants on the Fourth Chickasaw Bluff. No one tells the Spanish. John Overton and Andrew Jackson buy Rice’s land, pretending all the while that the Spanish, like, don’t even exist. Fed up, the Spanish build a fort. Then they give up. Then they burn the fort. The U.S. Army erects Fort Pickering and somehow manages to stay put. 1800-1900: The U.S. Army abandons Fort Pickering. Jackson, Overton, and James Winchester get together to plan a town that people will quit leaving. The absence of an NFL franchise is duly noted. Shelby County is established, and Memphis’ city government is organized in time for the first yellow fever epidemic, which kills 150. Memphis business begins to boom. Buildings are constructed and railroads are built. The city becomes a major river port. The second yellow fever epidemic kills 220. Shelby County ratifies Tennessee’s secession in time for Memphis to be instantly captured by Union forces. The Civil War ends and the third yellow fever epidemic kills 550. Memphians begin celebrating Mardi Gras. The fourth yellow fever epidemic kills 2,000. The fifth yellow fever epidemic kills 5,150. The city goes bankrupt. Memphians stop celebrating Mardi Gras for a minute and wonder if there isn’t some way to prevent yellow fever epidemics. The health benefits of acquiring an NFL franchise are considered but sanitation measures are undertaken instead. 1900-2000: Memphis discovers infrastructure. The city builds an airport and buys Memphis Power and Light. The park commission is established, as is the Brooks Memorial Art Gallery and West Tennessee State Normal school, the precursor to the University of Memphis. Clarence Saunders invents the supermarket but goes broke anyway. Machine Gun Kelly is captured, Boss Crump dies without ever mentioning the NFL, and rock-and-roll is invented then promptly sold to RCA. The first football game played at the Liberty Bowl involves two non-NFL teams; Dr. Martin Luther King is assassinated; Stax goes bankrupt; FedEx is founded; and Elvis dies. Late in the century, the Houston Oilers NFL franchise agrees to move to Nashville. For a year, they play in Memphis but nobody goes to the games. By Millennium’s end, the newly christened Tennessee Titans are running a solid second in the AFC’s Central Division and are guaranteed a spot in the playoffs.